When We Almost Had It All
by whitelilly0989
Summary: There are a lot of things we take for granted in life, and love is one of them. Taylor and Ryan had everything they wanted, but something definitely went wrong. Will they be able to make things right again? Or life's just gonna get in the way?
1. Starts With Goodbye

Chapter 1

_"God, Taylor__, what do you want from me?"_ Ryan said looking at her with these big, angry and frustrated eyes she had never seen before. _"I said I was sorry what more do you want?"_

It was like the thousandth time Taylor had heard those words in the past few months: _what more do you want;_ and every time she heard them she had started to wonder what exactly it was that she did want. She wanted so many things… She wanted to stop fighting all the time with the man she loved. She desperately wanted to stop, because every fight was bigger and bigger and it always ended up worse and worse… she was always the one who ended up hurt. She wanted to be able to talk to him like before. All those times in the past when they didn't see eye to eye on something, she was the one who got frustrated, rambling and yelling in a pretty cute way that always made him smile and that was it, that was as far as it went. They always managed to find a way to compromise without ever hurting each other… she wanted to be able to talk to him like old times.

She wanted to wake up the next morning without feeling guilty because they had gotten to bed angry at each other once again, pretending things were gonna blow over by it self. She wanted to stop pretending… She wanted so much! She wanted HIM back! Ever since he got started on that job things started changing between them. At first she could understand it. He wanted to give the best impression possible. He had gotten the job of his dreams at this prestigious architecture firm and the last thing he wanted was to lose this opportunity. He started working hard and crazily, looking for the way to stand out from the other employees. She could definitely understand that. After all, she was the one who used to sleep with the Dean of discipline just to get Social chair. She understood the feeling of wanting to be on top so she didn't mind sacrificing a few days a week of not spending time with her fiancé so he could achieve his dream, but she never thought things were gonna get like this.

She rarely saw him anymore. Whenever he got home she was already asleep. Their sex life was practically nonexistent at the moment and they only talked when they were like this: fighting. How had things ended up this way? Just a few months ago everything seemed perfect! They were deeply in love, everyone could see that. They had been engaged for 8 months for God's sake! How come they had gone from being a couple living heaven on earth to fighting as much as they did? It wasn't that they didn't love each other… She was still crazy about him and she was almost certain he loved her just as much, it was just that he hardly said it anymore.

_"What I want from you is for you to start caring again! God, Ryan, you just missed Sophie's birthday! You know how much she loves you, and you had promised her you were gonna be there to take her to the carnival. How do you think she felt when you didn't show up? She was devastated! You know, one thing is to leave me waiting for you to come home late at night, or to cancel on me whenever we have a date, but your sister? Come on! And you're just gonna tell me that you're sorry?" _She was so mad at him right now. Just to remember how sad Sophie was that night broke her heart. Sophie was waiting on the porch for almost an hour and a half just looking to see if Ryan's car passed by and all Taylor could do was watch. She had desperately tried to reach his cell to find out where he was but it went straight to voicemail. Finally, Taylor had taken her to the carnival herself but she could feel that what Sophie wanted was Ryan.

_"Taylor, I told you I was in this important meeting I couldn't get out off! The important thing is that she went to the carnival", _was his response with this angry, yet at the same time cold tone in his voice.

_"I can't believe what I just heard! No Ryan, that's not the important thing! The important thing here is that you promised her that! _You_ promised you were gonna take her there and she was expecting you to! She wanted you there. She wanted you as much as I do!" _she said, trying not to get the knot in her throat to stop her from finishing what she was gonna tell him. _"It's like I don't even know you anymore! You've become this workaholic machine, which is something I could expect from anyone else on the face of the Earth except for you!"_

_"Are we gonna start this again? This thing where you tell me that I've changed so much now, and that you feel like you wake up every morning next to a total stranger? Cause if that's what you feel, then maybe we're too different, maybe we shouldn't be together anymore!" _

Once those words came out of his mouth he immediately started regretting them. He loved her, he really did it was just that this was really important to him as well. It was just as important to him as writing, reading and reviewing French literature was to her. He had finally found something he was good at and that people actually thought he was good at too. He had never had that before. He was finally feeling like he was in the right place in his life. For the first time he didn't feel like he didn't belong. Whenever he was in that office, no matter how stressed out he was, he enjoyed doing what he loved. But he was finally realizing that maybe this was gonna take away the love of his life. This could take away his everything! But maybe he was starting to realize it was a little too late. She was there, standing in front of him with her eyes covered in tears and he knew it was because of what he said.

She was heartbroken. She could feel her eyes filling with tears and she couldn't control it. Her boyfriend, fiancé… her everything had just suggested to break things up! And it didn't matter if he said it because he was mad… That hurt her, deeply, more than anything he had ever said before in any previous fight. No matter how bad things got, she'd never even considerated that a possibility, and the fact that he said that just less than a minute ago was something she couldn't handle. She just put her head down and looked at the floor for about two seconds as she felt a tear run down her cheek. She cleaned it up as fast as she could and looked straight into his eyes… _"Maybe we shouldn't, Ryan… maybe we are too different after all."_

She looked down to her finger and saw the ring. That ring that had brought her so much happiness 8 months ago was now the symbol of this excruciating pain she was feeling in her entire body. It was too much to bear. She reached for her left hand and slowly pulled the ring away from her finger. She stared at that ring for almost 3 seconds, and then she took his hand. Those precious hands that she loved to feel go through her hair whenever he kissed her… those hands that had meant more to her than anything else in the entire universe… She had never thought she was gonna do what she was doing, but then again, life wasn't turning out like she had always thought it would. Therefore, she deposited the ring in the palm of his hand and without even looking him into his eyes, she just said _"Goodbye Ryan",_ and she was out the door.

As she closed the door behind her, all he wanted to do was go after her, to hold her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok...but he knew that that was a promise he wasn't ready to make.

It was over… It was definitely over.


	2. Tears And Memories

Chapter 2

Taylor had been driving around in circles all night. She didn't know exactly for how long she had been driving, she just knew it wasn't long enough for her to start forgetting about what had just happened. She couldn't stop herself from re-living the whole thing over and over again. Remembering every detail was really hard but for some reason she couldn't understand why she wasn't crying. Maybe it was because subconsciously, she had kinda been expecting something like this for quite a while now. After all, they had been so distant lately for almost three months time. Or maybe it was because she was kinda numb for now and wasn't feeling anything. But still, now that it had happened it was so… surreal, almost unbelievable.

Her mind kept having these flashbacks to almost every single moment of their relationship. Their first kiss, the first time they danced, their first date, the first time they had sex, the first time he said I love you… But her mind just kept hitting this memory that she could not avoid thinking of.

_It was their five year anniversary and they'd had this unforgettable evening. First, they'd gone to have dinner in this fancy restaurant he knew that she loved. After that, he had taken her out for a walk down the park. She had been in that park before, but never like this. There was a full moon and the sky was filled with so many stars… it was just beautiful. They were holding hands and walking when she stopped and raised her head to look at that beautiful sky… she just closed her eyes for a second as she sighed and smiled._

_He looked at her and he was just mesmerized. She had never looked more beautiful to him than in that very moment. She was wearing this sexy black dress that made all the perfect aspects of her body stand out, and she wore her hair down just like he loved. But it was something about the combination of her physical beauty and seeing her standing there, so naïve and vulnerable just looking at the sky, that took his breath away. She was gorgeous; there was no doubt about it. _

_He took her hand and pulled her into his arms and kissed her. It was an intense, but at the same time, sweet kiss… He pulled away a little and then he said: "_I love you… more than anything."_ When he finally pulled back enough, he could see that her eyes were still closed and she was holding him really tight. When she opened her eyes she just smiled and then kissed him again. This time, a little bit more intense as she passed her hands through his hair. The kiss grew more passionate and they were both starting to get out of breath when she just softly started kissing his cheeks all the way to his earlobe to slow things down a little and she asked: "_Wanna go home?"_ He released a sigh and he smiled at her while he nodded, and then they went to the car._

_  
When they got home, as soon as he closed the door, Taylor was all over him. She was kissing him desperately and immediately started unbuttoning his shirt. He practically carried her to the bedroom and laid her on the bed as they both gave into the heat of love and passion they were feeling in that moment. _

_After an hour and a half of the most amazing sex they'd ever had in their entire life, they were now tired and satisfied. She had her head on his chest and he was holding her, passing his fingers through her hair._

_"_This is so perfect", _she said almost whispering with a smile on her face._ "I bet heaven must be like this."

"Like what?" _he wondered, really curious and interested to hear what she was going to say._

_  
_"Like this. You and me laying here on bed after making love", _she said, leaning over to his face as she gave him a kiss. "_And you were terrific, by the way.""I was, wasn't I?"_ Ryan said jokingly with a voice deeper than his own._

_  
"_Well, well, well… aren't you so modest?" _she teased while she gently and playfully hit him on the arm and smiled at him._

"Seriously, thanks Ryan, this night couldn't get any better."

"You think?" _he asked her. "_I bet I can make it better"_ he said while he sat down on the bed… and started looking for something._

_  
_"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do now? Sing to me?"_ she wondered as she was making fun of him, and she sat up on the bed as well. _"'Cause that's the only way this night's going… to… get… any… better…"

_There, right in front of her, Ryan was holding this little black velvet box in his hands, and she was speechless. It was one of the few moments in her life where she didn't know what to say. She looked at Ryan and then at the box in disbelief. Was that what she thought it was? Was he going to propose in this very moment?_

__"Look, Taylor, you know, I've never been good at expressing my feelings, but I love you… I can't imagine my life without you, whenever I'm around you everything feels right. You've always known exactly what I'm feeling without having to say it … you're… you are amazing… and I want to spent the rest of my life with you… so… Taylor… will you marry me?"_ he asked, and finally opened the box so she could see the big and shiny diamond ring inside it._

_  
She looked at his face while he was saying all those words and it almost made her cry. She knew him, she knew him like nobody else in the world, and she knew that he was probably terrified right now waiting to hear her answer. But most importantly, she knew that every single word that he just said, he had meant it…_

__"Taylor… honey… now would be the time for you to start talking",_ he said with a nervous smile on his face. She had been staring at the box for almost a minute now in complete silence. He was beyond scared right now because she hadn't said a word and that was really rare. She was Taylor after all. The thought of her saying no to his proposal scared the hell out of him and he desperately needed to hear her say something… at this point… anything was good._

_  
_"Wow, Ryan… wow… I mean… I didn't really expect this… I thought you were going to do, I don't know, something else… I'm really surprised here, don't get me wrong, I really love you and I wanna be with you, 'cause you're the man I love, and I wanna marry you, it's just that I never expected you to tell me this tonight… It's very unlike you to keep this kinda thing for a perfect night like this… It's not that I'm saying no to this proposal, hell no! I would never reject a proposal from you… I love you too much to say no to this…"

_He interrupted her rambling with a kiss. He placed his hand on her cheek and he pulled away from her. He put his forehead with hers as he closed his eyes with a big smile on his lips… _"A simple yes would do."

_She smiled at him and held his face between her hands and she said: "_Yes… yes… yes… yes… yes…",_ kissing him in between every "yes" she uttered, and then she just pulled him back to the bed, placing herself on top of him._

_  
They were so happy, so amazingly happy… For a moment in both of their lives… everything was perfect._

__By now, Taylor had stopped driving and she was now on the porch of Seth and Summer's house. She was shaking as she rang the doorbell. That memory had struck a nerve and she needed someone to talk to. Her heart was broken… completely broken in a thousand million pieces. That proposal, even though it might not have been the best proposal in the world, was the most important moment in her life; and now it wasn't anything more than a distant memory… Another painful joke destiny had thrown her way… and remembering it devastated her even more than she already was.

If someone would've told her back then that she was going to be returning that diamond ring in 8 months, she never would've believed it. All at once she remembered all those words he said: _"… Maybe we're too different, maybe we shouldn't be together anymore!" _Every single one of those words he said were like a stab in her heart and it was so terrible that it had physically started to hurt. She felt like she suddenly was starting to get out of breath and she almost couldn't bear to be standing, when Summer finally answered the door.

"_Taylor honey, what's wrong?"_ Summer asked when she saw her friend pale and shaking like a leaf.

Collecting all the energy she had left in her body, Taylor lifted up her head and when she saw her best friend's face, horrified just from looking at Taylor, she just threw herself in Summer's arms and she finally started to cry... inconsolably.


	3. Without You, Where Do I belong?

Chapter 3

Taylor had been staying at Seth and Summer's for almost 2 weeks now and during that time, Ryan hadn't done anything about it. She wanted to believe that, one of those days, he would've at least tried calling her, but he hadn't tried to contact her in any way.

It wasn't that he didn't love her, he did. But at the same time, he wasn't giving up his dream. This was the chance of a lifetime and he was gonna take it… Oh he was so blind!

He started working harder. He started working more and more hours, as if such thing was possible. He asked his boss to be in two or three projects at the same time just to go numb… After a few days of having that insane life, he was tired… he was extremely tired but this, this awful lifestyle he was trying to perform, was his way to deal. He had started working this insanely as a way of not feeling anything 'cause he knew that the minute he'd stop working, the lack of her presence was gonna sink in.

He stayed at the office for as long as he could just dreading to go home. Home… that was the last place he wanted to go. He definitely didn't want to be there 'cause in that place, just the memory of her and the last time they crossed words, started to haunt him. Just remembering her taking his hand and giving that ring back tied a knot into his stomach.

But no, he told himself that he needed to do this for himself, he needed to find his place in this world and for now, his office was that. He had promised himself he wasn't going to think about her while he was there. He wasn't gonna let himself think about that. He wasn't gonna let himself think about all those times he had loved to see her smile, the smell of her hair, the feeling of her hands running through his back, the way her head fitted so perfectly on his shoulder, her incessant rambling when she was nervous… God what was wrong with him? It didn't matter how much he tried to ignore her, she was inside his head every single second, and he felt like he was starting to loose his mind.

One night, despite his best efforts to keep working, he realized that he needed to get some sleep, and he was already tired of sleeping on his desk, so there was no other choice for him but to go home. Once he opened that door this big wave of memories started drowning him. For less than a second, he had thought that he was going to find her here, and that she was going to throw herself into his arms and give him a quick kiss on the lips. God, he loved those kisses! It didn't matter how brief they were, he had always looked forward to get home just for the sake of receiving one of those…

He was navigating through his memories when something caught his attention. He looked over to the table and he saw a blinking red light coming from the phone. He walked over to it, and leaning a little closer, he could see that he had 1 new message. He pressed the button to listen and he sat there on the couch, alone in the dark as Seth's voice filled the room.

_"Hey man, It's me… Look, I've been trying to reach you lately, but I guess you're just too busy being Ryan... Listen, as much as I wish this message was just to say hello and not be the bearer of bad news, I kinda have to do this unless I want Summer to kill me. Taylor needs you to pack her stuff so she can go over there and pick them up while you're working tomorrow. She kinda still has the key, but don't worry, she says she'll leave it there once she gets her stuff back… Sorry man."_

__Oh… the lack of her presence had definitely sunk in! This had never been more real to him than right now. If he couldn't have her there, at least he could smell her perfume all over the apartment… but now she was moving out. He knew her… he knew how she was when her mind was determined on something, and this proved she was determined to forget him now.

It was like finally this blindfold was being lifted from his eyes and he could finally see how miserable his life was without her. He had been too afraid to go home, that's how miserable it was! He was loosing her… OH MY GOD he was loosing her! Once he realized that, he started pacing around the room desperately. The thought of her away from him was so upsetting and nerve wrecking… In less than a minute he went from being desperate to being incredibly angry. He was mad at himself. He started looking back on the past few months like they were a movie passing right in front of his eyes and he had seen how horribly he had treated the love of his life. What was he thinking? How had he been able to think that this job was more important than Taylor? And why the hell had it taken him two weeks to react to her leaving?

Oh how devastated she must have been that night! Thinking about her crying made him even madder at himself. He had once promised himself he was never going to hurt her, but yet, he'd found himself doing exactly that. He wanted to go to Seth and Summer's at that very instant, but knowing Taylor he knew that she wasn't going to give in that easily if she was as hurt as he imagined.

He wasn't gonna let this one pass, no… he wasn't going to loose her. He knew he was going to have to do something to make this up to her and he knew it wasn't going to be a piece of cake. But he was going to do it. He was going to do everything in his power to win her heart back. It was his purpose now to have her by his side as soon as possible.

All he needed now was plan.


	4. Too Little Too Late

Chapter 4

Ryan had been up all night thinking about what he was going to do to win Taylor back. He was just rolling over from one side to the other of the bed, his eyes still wide open. If he needed anymore proof that he needed Taylor back in his life: this was it. If Taylor would've been there, she definitely wouldn't have let him roll around in the bed as much as he was. She was one of those people who woke up from the tiniest sound or movement, for that matter.

He was convinced, more than ever, that he loved her and that he had been the most stupid person in the world for letting her go. He couldn't believe that he had let her go so easily, and it stunned him. He had lost her only once before in the past. It was now several years ago, but he still remembered how miserable he'd felt when that had happened, and how much time it had taken him to try to convince himself he was over her after the earthquake. But after the almost-wedding between Julie and The Bullitt, he hadn't let her go even for a minute.

Those three years she was in France he had done everything in his power to be with her. Every little break he'd had at Berkeley, he'd always managed to find a way to fly over to Paris and see her, even if it was only for two days, and she'd done the same for him. They'd sometimes been tired from flying around that much, but it was worth it for the sake of keeping their relationship. They were never apart, not for a single second. She was constantly on his mind and he was constantly on hers. Whenever school was too crazy for them to leave, they sent each other this unbelievable amount of e-mails, another proof of how much he wanted to be with her considering that he wasn't a talking person, let alone a writer.

Every time she was having a crazy day, there was always something that kept her going… Knowing that he was going to call that night to listen to how bad her day had been, and to tell her that everything was going to be ok. Even when she didn't feel like things were going to get better, those words always comforted her, and life was good again.

But now, she found herself, unaware that he was doing the same thing, rolling around in the bed, thinking about that she was going to get her stuff back the next morning. She didn't want to go over there… it was too painful. Once she'd started crying in Summer's arms that night, she'd found that she hadn't been able to stop. She had spent the night of their break up crying on the floor of Summer's bathroom while she held her head. She had admired her best friend's support, considering that she wasn't able to tell her why she was crying until the next day, but still, Summer was the one that held her throughout her meltdown. After a few days of crying like a child, she'd felt strong enough to collect herself and to try living life as normal as possible. She was going to work normally, but still she couldn't avoid thinking of Ryan and how thing's might have been.

Meanwhile, Ryan still didn't have a plan to convince his hurt ex-fiancé to be with him once again. So he decided that he's plan was to have no plan. What he did know, was that she was probably going to get her stuff back when she got out of work, which was about 5 or 6 pm, and he needed to be there to talk to her by then. He had realized that this wasn't the best plan he could've come up with, but it was better than doing nothing. He had decided that he had spent too much time doing nothing, which was one of the main reasons why things were like this in the first place.

Ryan found himself feeling anxious and nervous thinking of what he was going to tell Taylor once he had her in front of him. He knew he had to come up with something good in no time, since he was already on the car going home to see her. He had spent all day rehearsing words to say, but for some reason none of them sounded right. He wanted to say something that came from his heart, but he still found it hard to be in touch with he's sensitive side. He might have become a workaholic, but he was pretty much still the same old Ryan.

He was in shock when he got to the apartment. He found a note on the counter along with the key and he read:

_"Dear Ryan: I got my stuff now, so I guess I shouldn't be bothering you anymore. I think I have everything, but if for some reason I left something, send it over to Seth. He'll give it to me. Wish you well… Taylor. PS: I have to admit that a little part of me waited for you to show up here… but I guess we're definitely taking different paths now."_

_  
_As he read that, his heart started beating a lot faster. It wasn't even five yet and he was already late! No, no way! He was going to look for her and talk to her. He needed to tell her that he had screwed things up more than once now, but that still it wasn't like he was giving up. Oh… those words broke his heart: "…_I have to admit a little part of me waited for you to show up here…"_ She still expected him to be there… and he had screwed up! He needed to mend thing and he needed to mend them now!

The next thing he knew, he was driving like a crazy person to go over to Seth and Summer's place and talk to Taylor face to face. The words _"Taylor I can't lose you!"_ kept repeating themselves like a broken record inside his head. He was angry at himself for all the things he had done, but that didn't kept him from driving to get there as fast as he could.

When he finally got there, he knocked on the door really hard as he screamed: _"Taylor!"_ so every person in the neighborhood could hear him. After what felt like hours, but was actually no more than 2 minutes, Summer opened the door.

_"Ryan, what are you doing here?",_were Summer's words as she gave him a really surprised face.

_"Taylor. Is she here? I need to talk to her", _he said while he started pushing the door to get in the house.

_"Atwood…", _Summer said, giving him a look while she did her best to stop him from entering the house.

_"Summer I don't have time for this right now ok, so let me in"_, he said, now really frustrated as he desperately wanted to talk to the woman he loved.

_"Ryan you can't",_ she said while finally giving in after Ryan had pushed the door open, letting himself inside the house. _"She's not here."_

_"What do you mean she's not here?! Where is she?!" _He asked almost feeling his voice breaking and looking at Summer, desperate to hear her answer.

_"Didn't she tell you? God, she told me she was going to tell you!" _She said while she was passing her hands over her eyebrows. _"She's going to Paris, Ryan. She got a job offer four days after your break up and she thought that since you didn't do anything, things were definitely over…"_  
_  
_As Ryan heard that, without even realizing it, he was leaning to the floor almost as he was about to faint while he put his hands on his head. _"I lost her…"_,was all he could whisper to himself, but it was loud enough for Summer to hear.Seeing him there so vulnerable broke her heart. If someone was a witness of their love for each other, it was her and she hated to see them both so heartbroken…_"Not quite… She's gonna kill me if she ever knows I told you this, but the plane is leaving in 20 minutes, so if you want to catch her, you have to go… NOW!"_  
_  
_When Ryan heard that, it was like life was being given back to him, and he got up from the floor and lifted Summer up and hugged her tightly as he said like a thousand thank you's. _"You can thank me later Atwood, just go… GO!"_

And with that Ryan was on his way to the airport. In the car he was thinking that he definitely needed to tell her that he loved her more than anything and that his life was meaningless without her in it, but he had no time. He needed to focus on getting that car as fast as he could to the airport.Once he got there he started looking around crazily for her in the waiting lounges but there was no sight of her anywhere. He was desperate… beyond words… it was like his life was being taken away from him again. He felt like he was drowning and like he couldn't breathe, just of the thought of her leaving the country.He started run like a maniac when he looked through a window and saw the airplane… He saw this beautiful and amazing woman with auburn hair walking up the staircase to get into the plane, and he almost started to cry in that very moment. He instinctively started calling out her name as loud as he could after he realized that she wasn't going to hear through that window. He started to run over to the passenger lines to see if he could get through to the airplanes, but every time he tried to pass, the security guards were all over him telling him that he needed a ticket to get through.

He was about to go all Kid Chino on them when he saw something that he was certain he wasn't going to forget. The airplane where he had seen her get on board started to lift from the ground, taking the love of his life with it. He stopped fighting the security guards and he instantly went in shock as the words _"I lost her…"_ came once again to his mind. He was there, looking through that window, and he couldn't help but to feel in that moment, that he was better off dead. He knew that no matter how hard he tried from now on to reach her, she was always gonna hold against him the fact that, through her eyes, he hadn't done anything to stop her from going away.

As he sat down on a chair, with a lost look in his eyes, he searched through his pockets and pulled out the note. _"I guess we're definitely taking different paths now."_, he read, as he felt a tear run down his cheek.


	5. The Night Before Life Goes On

Chapter 5

Taylor was looking out the window of the airplane and was seeing all the clouds in the sky. That was exactly the way her mind was… cloudy and filled with thoughts. She wasn't sure that she wanted to go back to Paris, but she was sure she needed to get away from Berkeley as fast as she could. She needed to get away from the pain she was feeling, this pain that had been inside her for so long now… She needed to get away from her own memories, those memories that were once the moments she'd lived for, and were now only thoughts she wanted to forget. She needed to get away from him… away from everything.

She found herself again questioning every single aspect of her relationship with Ryan. She had wanted to find the exact moment where things had gone completely wrong, but she wasn't able to find it, and that hurt her even more. How was it that she had lost him and she hadn't even realized it? When had Ryan stopped loving her, and started loving other things more than her? When was the moment when she'd stopped being enough for him? Was there something she could've done differently to prevent things ending up the way they had? Maybe it had been her fault? She couldn't help but to think that maybe it was her fault because she hadn't noticed that something was wrong. If she would've paid more attention to her relationship and all the changes Ryan was experiencing, maybe they could've saved their relationship.

But no… she hadn't realized it sooner… she'd realized it when there was nothing to save, and the fact that he hadn't even bothered to look for her at the apartment had proven that. Somewhere along the way, he'd stopped loving her, leading to the point where she'd given him the engagement ring back and he hadn't cared. It doesn't matter how bad things get in a relationship, when a girl gives a guy an engagement ring back, that has to produce a reaction… that's the way it works. But he'd just stood there that night and had watched her go away and he hadn't done anything. Ok… so he hadn't done anything that night. Maybe he would try and call her the next day.

That next day, she'd had her cell phone practically attached to her body as she'd cried like a baby waiting for him to call… but he hadn't. She could still remember that after four days when she'd heard the phone ring, she'd thought it was him. But, no… it hadn't been. It was a job offer to work for this Cultural/Travel Magazine. She had been sending resumes the month before because she wasn't feeling happy with the job she'd had. Her boss had been giving her a hard time and she'd been tired about it.

The first time this magazine had called her to offer her a job; they'd told her that they had all the employees they needed in the US but that they were planning to expand the franchise and start a new magazine in Paris and they needed someone who could speak French fluently as an editor for the magazine. This was the kinda thing she wanted to do, but as tempting as the offer had sounded, she hadn't wanted to leave Ryan, so she'd had to decline.

But now, they'd called her again to insist that she was the woman for the job. She'd talked to Summer about it and she'd told her to wait a little longer… it had only been four days and after all, Ryan was a little slow to respond when it came to his love life.

So she'd waited… and waited… and waited. After almost 2 weeks she'd had to face something she hadn't wanted to believe was true: Ryan didn't want her in his life anymore, and pursuing his dream was more important than she was. It had hurt her to face that, but it was the truth and she'd had to deal with it. So she'd decided that it was time for her to pursue her dream as well. She'd picked up the phone and called… and she'd been hired for the job.

As she'd asked Summer to tell Seth to tell Ryan that she needed her stuff back, a little part of her had still had hope that he was going to be there waiting for her to say some lame excuse to the way he'd been acting, and that he had been a jerk for treating her like that and that he loved her. But, once again… no… he hadn't been there. _"What more proof do you want, Taylor?"_ she'd asked herself. _"The guy really doesn't love you anymore." _So she'd left.

Oh, if only she had known that the guy did love her…! After he saw the airplane lift from the ground with her in it, Ryan'd realized that nothing was ever going to be the same. She was on her way to Paris now and there wasn't any point in trying to reach her anymore. He knew her. He knew that she was always going to think that he had done nothing to stop her. It didn't matter now how many visits he'd make to Paris or how many phone calls he'd give her, all she was going to hear was empty words now. All because he had spent so much time trying to convince himself that he didn't need her, that he hadn't showed her how much he loved her in the moment he should've had.

He was driving home now, heartbroken when he heard his cell phone ring, and he picked up.  
_"Hey man… How's it going?" _Seth asked on the other side of the line._ "I'm here with Summer, hang on, let me put you on speaker. Summer told me you were on a mission to get the girl… how'd it go?"_  
_  
"Is she with you?" _Summer asked, eager to hear the answer.

Ryan stayed in silence for a second, knowing how much it hurt him to say the words he was going to say: _"No… she's not here."_  
_  
"Oh no…" _Summer said, her enthusiasm turning into sadness.

_"You didn't catch her, huh? Oh… I'm so sorry man"_ ,Seth said, feeling sorry for his brother. He knew a thing or two about losing THE girl.

_"It's ok, guys… really. I'm fine"_ ,Ryan said while his voice got a little sadder.

_"Of course… you probably have this big plan in motion now, don't you?"_ Summer asked, once again feeling a little excited. _"When are you going to fly over there?"_  
_  
"I'm not"_ ,Ryan said while taking a big breath._"What?"_ Seth asked, feeling really surprised. _"You're just going to call her? Ryan… I hate to say this, but you're gonna need more than a phone call to get through to her."_  
_  
_Ryan sighed. This was the last conversation he wanted to be having. The wound was still open and talking to Seth and Summer was like throwing salt in it. _"I'm not going to Paris and I'm not going to call her."_  
_  
"So what are you going to do?"_ Summer asked, practically knowing what he was going to say next.

_"I'm going to let her have a fresh start"_ ,Ryan said, talking with a low voice so his friends wouldn't hear that his voice was starting to break _"I hurt her so much… and I made her life miserable… so miserable that she felt that she needed to go away. The least I can do is let her have a life away from me."_  
_  
"Are you sure that's what you want?" _Seth asked with a tone like he was trying to force some sense in to Ryan.

_"I want her to be happy… and she's not going to be happy around me"_ ,he said as he felt how his own words were hurting him beyond what he'd thought was possible.

_"Atwood, you don't know that…"_ ,Summer said with a pleading voice._ "Maybe you still have a chance."_  
_  
"Summer, I know Taylor, ok? I almost married her…"_, he said as the knot in his throat, the knot that was keeping him from crying, got a little tighter. _"And I know that the minute she took that job offer in Paris, my last chance was to be in the apartment this morning… and I wasn't there. I failed her. It's decided… I'm giving her what she needs right now."_  
_  
"Ok… Look, we're sorry for the way things turned out, and we're sorry for making you talk about it…" ,_Seth said.

_"So we're going to give you some space now, right Cohen?"_ Summer said, almost sensing Ryan's voice was about to break.

_"Yes… we are"_ Seth said, still wanting to be with Ryan through the phone line.

_"Bye, guys"_ Ryan said as he hung up the phone.

As Ryan arrived home, he felt again like he had failed Taylor and that didn't make him worthy of her. He had hurt her so much… and it hurt him to think that he had lost her. But he needed to get used to it. It didn't matter how much it hurt him or how hard it was, he needed to get used to the fact that he wasn't going to have her in his life anymore. He wasn't comfortable with letting her go, but he truly wanted her happiness, more than his own, and he really believed she was going to be happy in Paris.

Meanwhile, As Taylor arrived to Paris, she felt like she was a little bit lost without Ryan. She still needed him so badly, and it made her a little mad to know that she still loved him. He had been more important to her than anything, and feeling like she had loved him more than he had loved her was something she'd never thought possible. If this experience was to teach her something… it was this: Life was unpredictable. Everything could fall apart in the blink of an eye, and she needed to seize the moment. Take every opportunity. After all, she was in Paris now, with a new job and apartment waiting for her. She was in this world with enormous possibilities in front of her, and as hard as it was to imagine a life without Ryan, she had to face the fact that he wasn't with her anymore. But it wasn't easy.

Taylor had always thought she was going to get closer to Ryan as their wedding day got closer, but instead she'd found herself a thousand miles away from him.

Ryan had always thought that if there was a reason worth fighting for in life, it was for the woman he loved, but instead he'd found himself letting her go.

They both found themselves now doing the exact opposite of what they had always thought. It wasn't easy for either one of them to be like this. They were both hurting. But they were gonna try to do their best to forget each other. To try to live life as normal as they could… There wasn't anything else to do.

The next morning they both had responsibilities to accomplish and it was going to be hard. But this was the first night of the rest of their lives… and it sucked.

It really sucked.


	6. Far Away And Now, Going Home

Chapter 6

Taylor found herself looking down the balcony of her apartment in Paris, where she had been living for almost two years now. The cars were passing by and there was a lot of noise, but it didn't matter because she was lost in her own thoughts. She was thinking about a lot of things, but mainly about Berkeley. She started to reminisce about what had actually happened in that place. It had brought her so much sadness for such a long time.

She had run away from there because of a break up, but she had come to realize that maybe that break up had been for the best. After all, she and Ryan were totally different people who had nothing in common, and now she was definitely sure about that.

At the beginning she had been really upset and that was understandable. She loved him and she had pictured spending her entire life with him, but things just didn't work out so she'd decided to move to Paris to work as an editor at this French magazine. It had taken her a while to get used to living alone, away from her friends and away from him, but she had been away from her friends before so it was just like riding a bike. And after all, being away from Ryan had been the main reason why she'd moved in the first place.

She'd decided that things were over between them and that it was time for her to start to move on. She needed a fresh start and that meant a life free from Ryan. All of the sudden she started remembering a conversation she and Summer had had a couple of months after she'd arrived in France.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" _Summer asked over the phone._ "Are you sure you want to forget him?"

"Well, Summer, is not like I have any other choice", _she answered with a slightly sad tone in her voice as she continued. _"I've spent a lot of time feeling sad and I just wanna be happy you know? And I'm not going to accomplish that with his memory haunting me."

"It's just that…" _Summer started to say something over the phone but immediately had to bite her tongue. She wanted to tell Taylor how miserable Ryan was now that she was gone and that he went to look for her at the airport that day but he'd made her promise not to tell Taylor about it. After he'd realized she was gone, he'd told Seth and Summer numerous times that as much as he wanted to be with her, he didn't have the right to ruin things for her now and that she was probably better off without him. He had treated her really bad, and he felt like he didn't deserve her. She deserved to be happy and he hadn't given her happiness so he was going to step aside, even if that hurt him. Sadly, he'd had to lose her to see that she was the most important thing he'd ever had._  
_  
_"What Summer?" s_he asked, really surprised that Summer had stopped talking all of the sudden. "_Is there something I should know?"

_Summer couldn't help but to feel like she was betraying Taylor, but she had made a promise to Ryan, so she had to bit her tongue a little harder as she said: _"No, It's just that… I really miss you and I wish you were here…"

That was the first time she had ever said that she needed to forget Ryan. As hard as it was to make that determination, she wanted to be happy and she needed to face the fact that Ryan wasn't going to be a part of her happiness. He'd made that perfectly clear when he didn't do anything to stop her from leaving and since he hadn't even tried to reach her since she'd arrived in Paris. All the months that had gone by after that call; she had started getting more and more proud of herself. She was thinking of him a little less everyday, and one day, without realizing it, she'd finally stopped. But now, she was feeling a little bit nervous about everything. In a few hours she had to get on an airplane to go back!

She was still lost in her own mind when she heard the sound of the front door being open as the voice of a really handsome, tall brunette guy filled the room:

_"Hey, so look, I don't really know what kind of sunglasses you wanted, so I bought you these black ones… And I know you said we could buy them in Berkeley, but I also know how neurotic you get when you feel that you're leaving something behind no matter how silly it is… Like a pair of sunglasses…" _He stopped talking when he saw that no one was coming to meet him. _"Taylor, honey… where are you?"_

_"I'm out here… at the balcony"_, was Taylor's response, still lost in her own thoughts as she was looking out over the street.  
The guy kept walking towards the balcony and when he saw her standing there, looking at the street for no reason, he asked: _"So, are you gonna tell me what's bothering you, or should I pretend like I'm ignoring you?"_  
_  
_Finally, snapping out from her lethargy state, she raised her head to meet Matt, who was looking at her with this gorgeous smile on his face that only produced for her to smile back at him.

_"I'm just here, thinking about going back home today…"_ she said sighing.

_"But, don't you wanna see your friends? It's been more than a year since you last saw them."_

It was Seth and Summer's two years wedding anniversary and they were planning on celebrating it by having this party where the entire family was going to attend. Summer had begged her to go home so she could be with them. After all, they hadn't seen her in a year and a half, and Summer wanted to share a lot of things with her in person. Taylor had her doubts about going home, but she wanted to be with Seth and Summer as well, so she didn't give it a second thought and immediately said yes to the invitation. But as the date of her arrival in Berkeley got closer and closer, she started feeling a little bit anxious, like she didn't want to go back at all and she didn't know exactly why she was feeling like that. She hadn't thought about Ryan in a long time, so that couldn't be the reason… could it?

No, that wasn't why she was feeling like that! She was with Matt now and Matt made her happy. He was a successful reporter for the magazine she worked for, and he'd had this particular interest in Taylor from the start. They started talking because they were both American and while they were together, they both missed home a little less. She didn't want to rush things with him, given her last heartbreak, so they'd started by being just friends. But after a while, she'd found herself feeling something for Matt. She wanted to be happy, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to try, so she'd given it a shot. And now, after 9 months of being with him, she didn't regret it. He was this sensitive, sweet, smart and understanding guy that always put her first. Not for once had she felt hurt around him, because there was no need to. He knew perfectly how to treat a girl and she liked that about him.

_"It just that I can't help but to feel a little nervous, you know?"_ she said as she sat down on one of chairs she had on the balcony.

_"Ok… so, tell me why you're feeling nervous… maybe I can help you out"_ ,he said as he took a seat on the chair beside her and placed her hand in his.

_"That's the thing! I don't even know why!" _she said in a hysterical tone while she got out of the chair and started pacing around the balcony from one side to the other as she bit her thumb nail.

_"Tay, honey… calm down" ,_he said with this sweet and lovely voice, as he got out of his chair as well and stopped her from walking around by wrapping her in his arms. "_Maybe it is because you were hurt there and you don't want to re-live those memories… but you shouldn't have to worry about that, ok? I'm here now and I'm here for you… And we don't need to do this unless you really want to, 'cause frankly, I'm kinda scared too."_  
_  
"You are?"_ she asked really surprised as she suddenly started feeling safe in Matt's arms. _"Why?"_  
_  
"Well, because I'm meeting your friends and they have absolutely no idea that I'm coming"_, he said obviously feeling nervous and looking down at Taylor._"Well, there's no need for you to feel nervous. They're going to love you"_, she said as she leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

_"Ok… let's make a deal"_, he said still not letting go of Taylor. _"I won't be nervous, if you promise to stop being nervous. How does that sound?"_  
_  
_That didn't sound so good… she knew that this was only the beginning of the freak out. This freak out was going to get even bigger once she got closer to Berkeley… and she was finally starting to have and idea of why she was so nervous. But still she needed to do her best to hide what she was feeling.

"_O..k.." _she agreed, pulling away from Matt's arms and entering the living room of the apartment. _"I guess I can try to do that."_  
_  
"Ok then… Are you ready? We have to leave for the airport now", _he said looking at her and knowing that she still wasn't calmed. "_The bags are all in the car already."_  
_  
"Yeah I'm ready… I'll be down there in just a sec ok…? You go ahead."_As Matt went out of the door, she went into the bathroom, looked at herself in the mirror and started talking to herself: _"Taylor, you're not in love with Ryan anymore… You're happy with Matt and he loves you, he has the same interest as you do, he's not afraid to express his feelings, and he doesn't think that anything is more important in this whole world than you ok… You can get through this weekend and come back here in one piece… just… be normal… you can do this…"_  
_  
_And with that, she started walking to the front door, not quite sure that the pep talk had produced her to be more confident.

She took one last look of the apartment, and she sighed as she finally told herself the words she couldn't keep denying anymore: _"You're afraid of seeing Ryan again… that's why you're nervous." _


	7. Right In Front Of You

Chapter 7

Taylor found herself now, once again, looking at the clouds from the inside of an airplane. She was all nervous about seeing Ryan again in Berkeley. She was usually such a planner… How come she hadn't taken in consideration the fact that Ryan was going to be there at Seth and Summer's party? As she looked over at her shoulder and saw a sleeping Matt, she started to wonder what everybody's reactions were going to be. After all, everyone thought that she and Ryan were made for each other, and they were all devastated when they'd heard that their break up was definite. But the fact that she was bringing a boyfriend to Berkeley was going to send a message, a pretty clear message that said: I'M TOTALLY OVER YOU. That sounded way over the top, even for Taylor! Oh My God! What if Ryan didn't have a girlfriend? Her being with Matt there was going to be like she was rubbing it in his face and that was the last thing she wanted to do! After all, she still cared for him and didn't want to make him go through a hard time.

But what if Ryan did have a girlfriend? _"That should be interesting",_ she thought to herself. Well, if he did had a girlfriend at least that was going to make things easy for her. The last thing she wanted was to make somebody uncomfortable, but most importantly, she didn't want to make Matt feel uncomfortable. He was already nervous about going over there without her telling anyone about him, and she didn't want to make things even harder for him. He was usually a confident guy, but when it came to her… he was extremely cautious.

Time flew by really fast, and the next thing she knew, she was in the airport waiting for Seth and Summer who were supposed to be there to pick her up. She was talking to Matt about all the places she wanted to show him when she heard Summer's voice in the distance:

_"Taylor! Oh My God is that you?"_ she wondered as she left Seth behind and ran over to meet her.

_"Summer! It's so good to see you!"_ she said as they both pulled into a hug.

By now, Seth had finally got where the girls were and he was now staring at the young man in front of him.

_"Seth…"_ Taylor said realizing that he was staring at Matt really awkwardly. _"Aren't you going to hug me? I've missed you!"_  
_  
"Hey…! Townsend",_ he said, snapping from all the staring as he got closer to her and gave her a hug. _"Good to see you too."_  
_  
_There was now this awkward silence in the air, and Taylor knew it was because of Matt's presence. Even Matt noticed it was because of him. It was time for Taylor to make her move.

_"Guys, there's someone I'd like you to meet",_ she said as she started putting her arm behind Matt's back and started to hug him. _"This is Matt, my boyfriend… Matt, these are my best friends, Seth and Summer Cohen."_  
_  
_They were both shocked. She had never once mentioned she'd met somebody, let alone she was dating, and all of the sudden she showed up with this handsome guy. They did their best to try to hide how shocked they were, but Taylor was a pretty perceptive person and immediately realized they were stunned…

_"Oh… So you're Taylor's boyfriend?" _Summer asked with this amazed tone in her voice as she raised her eyebrows. Taylor was now panicking inside of her. If Seth and Summer disapproved of him… that was the beginning of a disaster. The entire weekend was going to be awkward and weird. Oh! And if this was their reaction, what was Ryan's going to be?

_"Well, anyone that's good in Taylor's book is good on mine too so… welcome to Berkeley, Matt"_ Summer said, as she tried to clear the air and gave Matt a hug. Taylor felt relieved. Summer had always been so supportive, and even if she knew that Summer was shocked, she still appreciate the fact that she'd welcomed Matt.

_"Well… anyone who's good in my wife's book is good in mine too… It's not like I have any other choice…" _Seth said in a pretty Seth like matter and shook Matt's hand.

_"It's nice to meet you both",_ Matt said a little bit shy at the moment, but trying his best to hide it… and he was doing a pretty good job.

_"So, shall we?"_ Summer asked, pointing at the car as a sign that it was time to leave them at their hotel.

The ride to the hotel wasn't that bad. At first, there was this awkward silence, but after a while of Taylor's rambling, they'd all started talking and had started to get comfortable around each other. Matt wasn't a bad guy, and Seth and Summer realized that right away. He was this sweet and funny guy that just happened to be Taylor's boyfriend, so they had to accept him. And after Matt had mentioned he loved comic books and that he was a big fan of Atomic County's The Ironist, Seth immediately started to love him and had invited both of them to the house. So once they'd left their stuff in the hotel room, they'd gone to Seth and Summer's house to have dinner, and so far, things had worked out surprisingly well.

After Seth and Matt had started debating about who would win a race between Superman and Flash, the girls had decided that it was time for the two of them to go outside to the porch and talk about a lot of stuff… Matt being one of the main subjects.

_"So... Taylor",_ Summer started to say with this kinda weird tone that Taylor couldn't decipher if it was an angry tone or a surprised one. _"You have a boyfriend and you didn't tell me?"_  
_  
"Yeah… I have a boyfriend"_, she said with a half-side smile.

_"Why the hell didn't you tell me?" _Summer said, Taylor knowing that this had definitely upset Summer.

_"I'm sorry Summer, ok? It's just that I didn't know what your reaction was going to be, and I didn't wanted you to scare me out of giving him a chance, and I know that somewhere deep down inside you, you still thought Ryan and I were perfect for each other, and by telling you that I had a boyfriend you were probably going to have a rage blackout or something…"_ Taylor said rambling, and she almost feeling like Summer was about to punch her.

_"If you really wanted to prevent a rage blackout you should've told me from the start"_, Summer said while lowering her voice so that the boys couldn't hear her. _"And just so you know, this has nothing to do with Ryan… this is about the fact that you kept Matt hidden from me for 9 months."_  
_  
_They sat down in silence for a little while, 'cause they both knew that the upcoming subject was going to be Ryan, since they'd both mentioned him.

_"How is he?"_ Taylor asked, putting her head down while she started playing with her fingernails.

_"He's ok…"_ Summer said, while doing her best to hide the fact that Ryan had been miserable for the past year and a half, thinking he wasn't good enough for Taylor and that she was happy in France. _"He's at this Architecture Design conference in Boston, and he got promoted last month, so he's doing ok."_  
_  
"When's he coming home?" _Taylor asked as she felt a little bit of anxiousness waiting for Summer's answer.

_"On Sunday",_ Summer said while her voice turned a little disappointed.

_"Oh…that Ryan hasn't changed one bit",_ Taylor thought to herself. He was still the guy who put work before anything else. She really wanted to believe that he had changed, but after all this time, he was still the same jerk, who was putting his family aside for work. That made Taylor really angry. She'd still had a little bit of hope that after losing her, Ryan would have changed, but she found herself feeling hurt again when she realized that their break up had really meant nothing to him. _"So, he's not going to be here for your anniversary party?"_ Taylor asked, letting Summer know by the tone in her voice that she was upset.

_"Nope",_ was Summer's response. She knew what Taylor was thinking. She knew that Taylor was mad at him for not being there for her and Seth, but she also knew that Ryan had done everything in his power to be there, and he hadn't been able to. The truth was that Ryan had changed. After Taylor had gone to France, Ryan had been so hurt that it had eventually made him realize that he needed to pay more attention to the things he had in his life, and stop taking them for granted. He'd started spending more time with his family and less time in the office. If he promised to take Sophie or his little brother, Noah, out to the park, or to get some ice cream, he was there on time. It was amazing to see the lengths he'd go to keep a promise. Summer was dying inside to tell Taylor all those nice things, but she couldn't because of a stupid promise she and Seth had made almost two years ago, because Ryan had believed that Taylor was going to end up more happy in France than with him.

_"Taylor… can you answer me something?"_ Summer asked with this really sweet voice.

_"Sure sweetie, what do you want to know?" _Taylor asked, looking a little preoccupied because of the look on Summer's face.

_"Are you happy with Matt?"_ Summer asked, looking Taylor straight in the eyes. _"I mean, are you really ridiculously, disturbingly, upsettingly and obnoxiously happy, as we both thought you were going to be? Matt makes you that happy?"_  
_  
_Taylor didn't know what to answer. She was happy with him, he was a terrific guy who had told her a thousand times how much he loved her. She was finally feeling like her life was glued back together and she was happy. But was she ridiculously happy?

_"I guess…"_ she said, shrugging as sign that she really wasn't sure about that. _" I don't know if I'm obnoxiously happy… I mean, I'm practically starting my career… I've only worked at the magazine for nearly two years, and there are a lot of things I want to do to be completely happy, but I guess we can say that I'm happy right now."_  
_  
_Oh… Ryan was wrong! She hadn't ended up as happy as she was when he was around. Summer remembered that when they were together, they were definitely ridiculously, disturbingly, upsettingly AND obnoxiously happy. She hated to see Taylor settle with just happy now… Matt was a nice guy and she liked him, but Taylor was once upon a time happier with someone else. And once again… as much as she wanted to tell her that, she knew that that was a conclusion Taylor needed to figure out on her own.

_"So girls,"_ Matt said while walking out to the porch, _"hate to break the news to you, but it's getting late and Taylor and I should be going to the hotel now." _  
_  
"Sure…"_ Taylor said while standing up from the chair. _"I'll see you tomorrow night at the party…"_ And with that, Taylor and Matt left for the hotel

.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Taylor and Matt had spent a really nice day. They had gone shopping for Taylor's dress for the night. This wasn't a task Matt hadn't been particularly happy about, since Taylor was one of those girls who had to go to every store in the mall before she could decide that she preferred the first dress she saw in the first store they visited. But he didn't mind, because he was spending time with her and he really loved her. It had been a really nice day.

Time had flown by, as it always does, and suddenly it had been time to get ready for the party. Now, Taylor was standing in front of the mirror, putting on her eyeliner and she started to think. She started to feel relieved that Ryan wasn't going to be there at the party, and that he wasn't coming back until the day she was leaving for France again. She had been so nervous during the flight because she hadn't known exactly what she was going to do once she saw him again, but now there was nothing to feel worried about. He wasn't coming and now she could focus only on Matt. She didn't feel nervous anymore about introducing him to Sandy, Kirsten, Julie, Kaitlin, or Frank because the worst had already happened: Matt had met Seth and Summer and everything turned out great, so she and Matt now had their help to break the ice if things got uncomfortable, which was now, a long shot. When they were both ready, they left for the party.

When they arrived, everything turned out the way she'd wanted. Matt met everybody else, and as she'd expected, they all loved him. Just like Seth and Summer, they were all a little surprised, but once Matt opened his mouth, everyone fell in love with him. That was how great he was. It seemed like there wasn't any subject that Matt couldn't talk about. History, Science, Cultures, Languages, Comic Books, Music, Movies… you name it. And the way he talked was always humble and sweet and funny… For a moment, she felt like she was looking at the scene from outside her body and she told herself: _"Taylor, you've found a guy who loves you enough to come back to America and deal with your friends without even knowing them… a guy who really loves you…"_  
_  
_She pulled him out of the group where they were all talking and she asked him to dance. Matt didn't gave it a second thought and they started walking towards the dance floor and they started dancing this really slow song.

_"See…?"_ she told him with a smile on her face. _"I told you they were going to love you."_  
_  
"You don't know that yet"_, he said smiling back at her and looking into her eyes… those eyes he loved so much. _"Maybe they're all pretending for now, and when we get to Paris, they're all going to call you to see if you've dumped me."  
_She looked at him and started to laugh a little while she shook her head and said:_ "Matt, if they didn't like you, they would've said something by now… and if for some reason they didn't say anything… they would've started to act really weird… trust me… they love you."_  
_  
"Good, 'cause all your friends and I have something in common",_ he said as he started to whisper in her ear.

_"Oh… yeah…?" _she asked. _" And what's that?"_  
_  
"We all love you",_ he said as he put a chunk of hair behind her ear. _" I love you…"_  
_  
_Taylor took a deep breath. He had said once again that he loved her, and once again, she wasn't able to answer him. The first time he'd said it, she hadn't known what to say. It had caught her off guard and all she could do was smile, and from there, every time he'd said it… she'd found herself just looking into his eyes and smiling. She told him some lame excuse that she had been heartbroken in the past and that she was now really careful about what to say. Of course, this was part true, but the whole truth was that she really needed to sort out exactly what she felt for him. She liked his company and being around him and she cared for him a lot, and she knew that he was definitely a big part of her life, but for some reason she didn't feel ready to say those three words. He told her that it was ok, that he was going to wait for her. And he was extremely patient. Not once he had pressured her or said anything to make her feel bad about not saying it. And that alone was something she really appreciated.

Once again she just smiled at him and the music stopped. He offered to get her something to drink and she told him that she was going to sit down at their table to wait for him.

Meanwhile, Seth was talking with some people from work that they had invited and he saw someone come over the front door, and guess who it was?

That's right... It was Ryan.

Seth immediately excused himself and went over to Summer, and with this really desperate tone in his voice, he told her: _"Emmm Summer… We kinda have a situation here…" _and he pointed to the door so she could see him.

Ryan hadn't known Taylor was going to be here. Seth and Summer never told him about it because when they were going to, Ryan had told them about the conference, so they just hadn't seen the point. But now, he was here… and she was too, with a boyfriend! This was a disaster waiting to happen.

_"What's he doing here?"_ she asked desperately whispering to Seth in a corner. _"It's not that I'm not thrilled to see him… it's just that he wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow… by the time Taylor should be arriving in Paris!"_  
_  
"Guess he really wanted to be here with us",_ Seth said looking at Summer.

_"Aww! That's so sweet of him!"_ Summer said feeling really touched that Ryan had left his conference early just to be with them.

_"Could you leave the sentimentalism for later?",_ Seth wondered while his voice turned a lot more desperate. _"What do you want me to do?"_  
_  
"What makes you think that I have an idea?"_ She asked while punching her husband on the arm.

_"Ouch!"_ he said while rubbing his arm._ "I don't know… you saved Chrismukkah, remember?"_  
_  
"You actually have a good point Cohen…", _she said as an idea came to her mind… _"Ok… so just tell him you're bored here and that I send you over to the house to look for a photo album or something… Just get him out of here before he sees Taylor… or meets Matt…" _  
_  
_Seth did exactly what Summer told him after he went over to meet Ryan. Ryan had immediately noticed that Seth was acting a little more strange than usual, after all, he was never the kinda guy who could hide when something was bothering him. But he also knew that Seth always got bored on these kind of events and that he always took the first opportunity Summer gave him to stay at home, so he didn't thought much about it.

_"Ok… I'll go with you to get the photo albums",_ Ryan said as he was trying to walk forward into the room, but Seth wasn't letting him. _"Just let me say hi to everyone first, ok…?"_

Ryan was stunned… as he finished that last sentence his eyes spotted Taylor in-between the crowd sitting alone by a table. He was once again mesmerized by her beauty. She was wearing a really beautiful dark blue gown and she looked exactly like he remembered her… if not more beautiful. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was like for a moment, the whole world froze and there was nothing in-between them. There were no people left in the room, just the two of them. He could hear Seth's voice in the background but… he didn't care. He had spent so much time waiting to see her again that nothing else mattered. He started to feel drawn to her, and without realizing it, he found himself walking towards her. She had this unbelievable power over him and he couldn't control it. He was only a few feet away from her now. He touched her shoulder as he said almost hypnotized: _"Taylor? Hi…"_  
_  
_Before turning around, Taylor felt this strong charge of electricity going down through her body while she heard his voice. She stopped breathing for a second and she finally turned around. It was him. She was in front of him. After all this time she had Ryan in front of her. He was as sexy and handsome as she remembered him. She had pictured this moment like a thousand times in her head… She had thought of all the things she was going to say if she ever saw him again… but now that she had him standing there, looking at her with his piercing blue eyes… all she could mumble was a _"Hi…"_  
_  
_She rose from the chair and she gave him a hug. Ryan felt like he was in heaven now. He finally had her in his arms once again. The hug was brief but so full of emotions… they could both feel it but they tried to pretend that they didn't. They knew exactly what the other was feeling but they didn't say anything. That was the way their relationship was… they could understand each other without words more than when they actually used them.They were now looking at each other straight in the eyes and they didn't dare to say anything. Finally, Taylor sighed and smiled at him as she put her head down for a second while she put a chunk of her hair behind her ear and looked up again, still giving him that smile. She was so beautiful in his eyes… she had so much power over him… All he could do was smile back at her and he finally started to say something…

_"Taylor… I", _he said as he reached to touch her arm softly.

_"Ryan…",_ she interrupted, still smiling at him. She couldn't help it. Just the sight of him instantly made her smile. All those angry feelings she'd had for him that past year… all the pain she'd felt… all the tears she'd cried… in that moment, she didn't remembered them. She couldn't help to feel happy to see him again. _"You don't need to explain anything to me… I understand."_  
_  
_Those words threw him off course. What was she talking about?

_"What do you understand?"_ he asked, feeling really curious.  
_"That you needed to fulfill your dream back then, and…"_, she said as the smile on her face started to fade and she stared down to the floor, now looking sad. _" And that you stopped loving me…"_  
_  
_Oh… how much it hurt for him to hear those words come out her mouth! Not once for a minute had he stopped loving her. She needed to know that. She deserved to know that, and if there was a moment for him to tell her it was now. He had waited for almost two years now, to tell her how much he had screwed things up and that he wanted a second chance. He needed to tell her!

_"Taylor I…"_, he started saying as he moved a little bit closer to her.

_" I know, I know…you don't want to talk about it"_, she said, again interrupting him and looking down to the floor. _" And it's ok… I seriously get everything. You and I are totally different people who needed to pursue our dreams away from each other in order to be happy, which is a good thing… 'cause you seem happy and I'm happy too…" _  
_  
_Ryan fell in shock at that instant, and he pulled away from her. He gave her this awkward smile and he asked her: _"You are?"  
"Yeah… I am",_ she said with a bittersweet smile on her face, still not feeling sure that she actually was. That talk with Summer the day before had struck a nerve, and she'd never realized it until that very moment. They just stared at each other almost knowing that something was about to happen when Matt came back. He gave Taylor a kiss on the cheek and he left the drinks on the table.

Ryan was now looking at Matt almost as he was about to kill him. But then he looked at Taylor, who was now looking at Matt and he finally got it. She was with somebody else now.

Matt stared at Ryan a little bit almost as he was studying him and since Taylor was still quite, he introduced himself.

"_We haven't met yet…", _he said with this polite tone in his voice that only made Ryan to want to kill him even more _"I'm Matt… Taylor's boyfriend… and you are?"_  
_  
"I'm Ryan…", _he said not knowing what to say next. Taylor, noticing that Ryan didn't say anything else, and since she hadn't told Matt that Ryan was her ex-fiancé, she immediately filled the void Ryan had left by saying: _"He's a friend who just arrived from a conference in Boston… he's Seth's brother."_  
_  
"Well, nice to meet you",_ Matt said, now picking up some sort of vibe that was coming from the two of them.

Ryan couldn't stand it. Taylor was with another guy now, and what hurt him the most, was that she'd said she was happy. He wanted her to be happy, with or without him. He really did, it was just that now it was real. It was definitely real. He tried his best not to show what he was feeling, but Taylor noticed that he was feeling awkward, and quite frankly, she was feeling awkward too… so she said to Matt that she was tired and that she wanted to go back to the hotel room. So they left… together.

Ryan was dying inside. Once again, he'd been too late to express what he felt, and there's was nothing he could do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taylor was now in the hotel room with Matt and she was thinking about her encounter with Ryan. She felt really awkward, and it was like this wave of memories started to come to the surface. Just remembering seeing him that night unsettled her. She was thinking a lot of things when Matt said something that was about to shake her world.  
_"I think we should stay here for a couple of months."_

_"What?"_ was her instinctive answer to what he'd just said.

_"Well, I think we should stay a little longer",_ he said as he sat down beside her on the bed _"I saw how much you miss your friends and to be honest, I really like it here."_  
_  
"But…", _she said really surprised that she was hearing this coming from him. _"What about work?... They need us there."_  
_  
"No, they don't." _He said as he held her hand. _" The assisting editor is really good and he can take over… and we both have all this accumulated vacations… so why not spend them all at once… here with your family?"_  
_  
_Taylor was really surprised… she hadn't expected this from Matt. He loved his work a lot, that was the reason for all those accumulated vacations. And now, all of the sudden he was suggesting to stay in Berkeley for two months…

_"Oh Matt, I don't know…" _was Taylor's magnificent response.

_"Your indecision has something to do with Ryan?" _Matt asked feeling a little bit scared to hear the answer.

_"No…!" _she said as she pulled closer to him. _"It's just that you usually don't suggest this type of thing. I practically had to beg you to come down here and now you wanna stay… not that I'm mad about it or something… If you wanna stay… we'll stay."_  
_  
"Ok",_ he said, feeling a little relieved. _"I'll call the office first thing in the morning" _  
_  
_After he'd said that, he turned off the light and laid down in the bed to sleep… and Taylor started doing the same thing, now thinking even more than before. If seeing Ryan for only a few moments was that awkward… The next couple of months were definitely going to be really interesting.

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**Author's note: Hey Guys! It's me! I wanted to thank you all for the nice comments and for reading my story... It means a lot... you have no idea. I also wanted to tell you that this is the last chapter for now. I know I've been updating really quickly and you probably got used to it, but that was because I had written all these chapters a while ago and I only needed to translate them. Now, I need to start writing what's left of the story. Don't worry, I'm still going to be updating frequently... :) Just not that frequently. Anyways... Tell me what you think about this chapter. It was a little longer than the others so... hopefully that will help you cope. Sharon**


	8. We Lie So Well

Chapter 8

"_Oh My God!"_ Ryan said while he began scratching his head with one hand as he held the phone with the other.

_"I'm telling you man…"_ Seth said on the other side of the line. _"She's staying here for two months."_  
_  
_Ryan was now really nervous and he was freaking out. Taylor was going to stay in Berkeley for two months… and he was sure that he wasn't going to be able to stand that. Seeing her two nights ago at Seth's anniversary party had been so amazing and at the same time… so upsetting. He'd never thought a girl could do those two things to him in less than half an hour. He remembered being tremendously happy when he saw her but he also remembered being devastated when he saw her leaving with this new guy. Who the hell was he? Who did he think he was, holding HIS girl's arm while escorting her to the door? Oh right! He was her BOYFRIEND! Oh, just remembering him made Ryan want to get out of the office, go home and start punching his boxing bag while he imagined that it had Matt's face on it. He had been so upset that night, but the only thing that made him sleep a little was the fact that she was leaving the next day…But now… it turned out she wasn't leaving. She was staying… with her boyfriend! God, this was like some sort of terrorist cell torture! It would've been one thing if she would've stayed alone. That would've been perfect. But she was staying with this guy, at the same hotel, in the same hotel room, sleeping in the same bed every night… for two months! _"Ok, I should stop now",_ he thought to himself as he did his best to stop thinking about Taylor being with another guy.

_"And are you sure about that?"_ Ryan asked, as he begged for Seth's answer to be a: No I'm not. That would've been amazing.

_"Unfortunately, I am",_ Seth said as he did his best to try and break the news to Ryan in a nice way. _"She called Summer this morning to tell her."_  
_  
"Oh My God!"_ Ryan said once again, but now crashing his forehead in his desk at work. _"Shoot me… Shoot me now!"_  
_  
"I'm sorry…",_ was all Seth could say in that moment.

_"You know what?"_ Ryan said as he lift his head from the desk and continued. _"This is all your fault!"_  
_  
"What?! What the hell makes you say that?"_ Seth asked, really surprised.

_"Because you should've told me that she was coming for your anniversary party!"_ he said while getting really upset._ "And that she was bringing somebody. But no! You just let me go over there like a total idiot!"_  
_  
"Hey man! That's not fair!"_ Seth said making a voice pretending that he was deeply hurt. _"First of all, I didn't know she was bringing somebody, I was as shocked as you were, believe me. And second of all, I tried to stop you… and you just kept walking like a zombie to meet her, what was I supposed to do? Bug you until you punched me?"_  
_  
"But you did know she was coming",_ Ryan said, calming down because of Seth's hysterical tone, _"and still you didn't tell me…you lied to me, man. Besides, I don't think you were as shocked as I were."_  
_  
"I know, I probably wasn't",_ Seth said, remembering how Ryan had ended up after Taylor left with Matt. _"But… I didn't lie to you, I just omitted that detail… it's not the same thing."_  
_  
"Ok, here we go",_ Ryan said, knowing that Seth was about to start one of his ramblings.

_"It's just like a comic book and a graphic novel",_ Seth started to say. _"I like to believe that they're not the same thing…"_  
_  
"Alright Seth",_ Ryan said, getting a little eager to end the conversation. _"You win… now, is there something else I need to know? I'm kinda busy here, and please… don't _omit _anything."_  
_  
"Actually… there is",_ Seth started to say with this really awkward tone, almost as he was afraid of saying what he was going to say.

_"Uh-Oh",_ Ryan said ,sensing that something was coming and it wasn't good. _"What's that tone? That tone's never good…"_  
_  
"You told me not to omit anything… and I'm doing exactly what you asked",_ Seth said.

_"Ok… just bring it on",_ Ryan said, taking a big breath as he tried to make himself strong enough for whatever was going to come out of Seth's mouth.

_"Taylor says she doesn't want things to be awkward between you two",_ Seth said, really carefully choosing the words he was going to say._ "So… she's probably going to call you in a while to ask you for a cup of coffee or something… Just thought you should know. I'm just giving you the heads up."_  
_  
_Ryan and Taylor… friends? With absolutely no awkwardness? That was something that needed to be seen for anyone to believe in it. At that moment, that seemed impossible, at least from Ryan's point of view. He was extremely in love with her and it had been that way for more than 7 years now, but she was with someone else and she was happy. In order for him to be just her friend, he was going to need a lot of strength, and not just physically. To be her friend, he needed to be able to pretend that all those strong feelings he had for her were gone, and he wasn't sure he was going to be able to do that. On the other hand, he couldn't picture his life without her. He had survived a year and a half without knowing anything about her, not quite sure of how he'd done it. But now that he had seen her again he wasn't sure that he could go back to that. _"Thanks Seth",_ Ryan said feeling a little overwhelmed ._"Glad to see you're not _omitting _things anymore."_  
_  
"Ok",_ Seth said, feeling a little relieved that the conversation hadn't ended with Ryan trying to kill himself. _"Anyways, I should leave you with your work. Bye!"_  
_  
_Ryan sat there for a few minutes doing the only thing he was able to do in that moment: To think about Taylor, and to wait for her call. After a while of thinking, he figured that he was going to take whatever Taylor felt comfortable giving him. If she felt comfortable just being friends with him, he was going to take that deal, no matter how much it would bother him. He needed her back in his life, and having her as just being her friend was better than not having her at all.It was almost lunch hour when Ryan's cell phone finally rang. When he saw Taylor's number on the cell phone's display, he took a deep breath and opened the phone to talk to her.

_"Hello?"_ He answered, trying to remain as calmed as he could while waiting to hear her voice.

_"Hey Ryan"_, she said with her perky voice from the other side of the phone. _"You know who this is, right?"_  
_  
_Ha! Like it was possible for him not to know who was talking to him! He knew her voice better than he knew Kirsten's voice, and Kirsten called him every night when he got home!

_"Taylor! Hi!"_, he said, trying to sound as cool as he could. _"How're you doing?"_  
_  
"I'm fine…"_, she said as her tone turned kinda weird… actually, she was surprised that he had answered her so calmly. _"I'm just calling you to see if you could meet me now at the coffee store right outside your office."_  
_  
"Where are you Taylor?"_ he asked, pretending like he didn't know anything about her staying here for a couple of months. _"Shouldn't you be in Paris right now?"_  
_  
"Like Seth didn't tell you that I was going to call you to ask you for a cup of coffee…" ,_she said with this funny tone in her voice that actually made Ryan feel a little bit more comfortable talking to her.

_"What?"_ he asked, knowing that she'd discovered that they had talked that morning, but still trying to hide it. _"What are you talking about?"_  
_  
"Stop lying…"_ She said with a really funny voice. _"You know it doesn't suit you…"_  
_  
"God, you're good!"_ he said to her with this surprised voice and he started smiling. After all this time, she still knew him. He was never able to lie to her. She always knew something was up. This had made things really hard for him when they'd been together because Ryan couldn't plan a surprise date without her figuring it out.

_"I know… it's one of my many virtues",_ she said with an almost sexy voice that made Ryan feel goose bumps all the way down his spine. _"So, are you meeting me here or not?"_  
_  
"Yeah… I am"_, he said, recovering himself from the feeling he'd just had ._"I'll be there in a few minutes… just wait for me there."_

When he'd hung up the phone, he realized that this was going to be a lot harder than he'd thought. He had only talked to her, over the phone… not even in person, and he had felt goose bumps all over his body. But, he needed her… he needed to be with her even if it was only as her friend. So, once he was able to collect himself, he went down stairs and as soon as he got out of the building and looked over the other side of the street, he saw her.

When Taylor saw Ryan on the other side of the street, she felt like the whole word stopped for a second. She really wanted things to be ok between them, since she was staying for two months and they happened to have the same friends. It was inevitable for them to bump into each other, and it was also likely that whenever that happened, she was going to be with Matt. Matt had almost figured out that there used to be something between them, but Taylor had managed to lie as much as she could for him to believe that Ryan wasn't the guy who had broken her heart, that he was just overprotective of her. And now she wanted to make sure that Matt didn't have that suspicion ever again. She didn't want to tell him that she and Ryan had been engaged, because usually when you tell your boyfriend that kind of thing, it doesn't matter how confident the guy is, that's bound to cause some trouble. And she really wanted to avoid that, and in order to get that done, she needed to clear the air with Ryan. She knew that things were going to be tough, but she needed to do this, and she needed to seem as normal as possible for Ryan to get on board with her plan. So when she saw him on the other side of the street, she rose from her chair and eagerly started waving her hand for him to see her.

Ryan couldn't help but to smile. This was the kind of thing he loved about her. She was always so perky… she was like this storm of genetics and caffeine... always so full of energy and so unpredictable. After all, she was his roller coaster, this woman who kinda scared him a little at first because of the speed and heights, the way she was used to doing things, but who, in the end, he found exciting, and with whom he eventually learned to enjoy and love the ride with. She was his roller coaster back then when he was discovering what he was feeling… and she was his roller coaster now that he knew exactly what he felt, but wasn't able to show it. He started walking towards her, crossing the street.

Once she had him near her, she started to smile… this was his superpower. Without knowing it, he had the amazing ability of making everything ok, and that always brought a smile to her face. He took a seat by at her table, and they sat in front of the other in silence for a little while until Ryan started to say something.

_"So… What do you want to talk about?" _he asked raising his eyebrows and smiling at her.

She just smiled at him, sighing and then looked down in the table a little before lifting up her head. _"Wow! So, all of the sudden you want to cut to the chase…"_ she said really surprised. _"That's so… un-Ryan."_  
_  
_He just smiled back at her. Things weren't going that bad. She was behaving like her old self. It seemed like she wasn't uncomfortable at all, which could only mean one of two things: 1. she was pretending, and she was doing one hell of a job, or 2. she really was over him. A little part of him wanted to believe that she was pretending, but he wasn't so sure; she was never one of those girls who could hide her frustration. _"Well… we all change a little",_ Ryan said smiling at her. _"So, let's get this over with."_  
_  
"Oh",_ she said, pretending to be hurt by putting a hand on her chest. _"We haven't been here for 5 minutes yet and you already want to get rid of me… that hurts me, Ryan."_  
_  
_Once again, Ryan only smiled. He didn't want to get rid of her at all. He could spend his entire life just sitting in that chair, looking into her hazel eyes, but he knew the reason for the meeting, and he really wanted to get over the part where she was going to tell him that she only wanted him as her friend. _"No, no… not at all",_ he said, trying to remain as cool as possible _"It's just that you're here alone, so this most be really important."_  
_  
"Well, it kinda is"_ she said now looking at the table and playing with her fingernails.

This was it. This was the moment he was dreading. She was going to say the "only friends" line, and he knew it because she was starting to feel nervous, he could see it now 'cause she was doing one of the things he loved most about her when she was like that… she was playing with her fingernails like she was a little girl.

_"Look, Ryan…" _she continued, still not looking at him. _"As you know, I have a boyfriend now, Matt, and I really want things to work out between me and him. And as you probably know as well, we're staying here for a couple of months. And I don't want things to be awkward between us during that time, 'cause I really care a lot about you… I really want to be friends with you without the awkwardness and without Matt feeling uncomfortable… and it's not like I want to pressure you into doing something you don't want. I mean if you still think that I shouldn't be a part of your life I totally get that…"_  
_  
_Ryan had to close his eyes now. If he looked at her straight to her eyes, he was going to kiss her. That was the way he always used to shut her up when she started rambling like this. But as much as he wanted to feel her lips on his, he had to hold back if he wanted her in his life. If he kissed her in that moment, he was only going to scare her, or even make her mad. He still wasn't sure if she was really over him, and until he was sure, kissing her was a chance he couldn't take. So instead he did the only thing that came to his mind. He took her hand and squeezed it as he said: _"Taylor, it's ok… I get it."_  
_  
_Taylor now looked at his hand placed in hers and it produced such a shock, that she immediately shut up. She just bit her lips and looked at him. He was looking at her with those blue eyes of his and she could feel like he was staring right through her soul. For less than a second she almost believed that she was in the past, back in the old days when he hadn't told her he loved her, and when she used to interpret him squeezing her hand as a sign of affection. She snapped out of her illusion and tried to remember the reason she was there in the first place… what was it? Oh yeah! MATT. So,  
she just sighed in relief and said: _"Really?... You do?"_  
_  
_Taylor was now looking at Ryan with these expressive eyes, and once again he felt the need to kiss her. God, this was unbearable! He had her in front of her and he couldn't kiss her. If only he could decipher whether or not she was over him, he would at least know where he was standing. But… maybe this was his opportunity to figure it out. Maybe all this torture could produce something good. If he spent time with her, by only being her friend, he was going to be able to see if she was in love with Matt and if she was happy with him. So he put on his best smile and said: _"Yes… I do. And don't worry…" _He stopped talking all of the sudden and realized that his hand was still in hers and removed it as fast as he could. _"You're not pressuring me into anything. I'm comfortable with being your friend."_  
_  
_That, ladies and gentlemen, was the biggest lie in the planet. He was begging inside of his mind that Taylor didn't realize that he was lying, or things were definitely going to get uncomfortable, and that would've resulted in her going away and not talking to him during those two months. And those two months were his last opportunity to figure out if she really was over him.

_"Good!"_ she said sighing in relief again with a smile in her face. _"I was afraid you weren't going to understand. I was kinda nervous too, because I didn't know if you wanted me back in your life since our last meeting was so awkward and weird… but I'm glad to see we can get beyond that. And we're talking right now and we haven't felt uncomfortable at all right?"_

_"Right...",_he said while smiling at her a little uncomfortable and drinking his cup of coffee. 

Taylor was feeling a little bit weird. It had been so easy for him to be sitting there with her. Quite frankly, she kinda expected him to be all broody and quite, and just… feeling weird. But they were talking fluently and he was smiling and everything. He'd even held her hand! He'd never would've dared to do that unless he was completely over her… right?

_"So… What's his name again?" _Ryan asked pretending to be as cool as possible, when he was really holding what he was feeling about "that guy".

_"His name's Matt",_ she said, now starting to feel a little bit weird that Ryan had asked about him.

_"And you want things to work out with him… That sounds serious",_ he said faking to be interested in her life with Matt. _"How long have you guys dated?"_  
_  
"Umm well",_ she said starting to lean her head a little. _"We've been together for 9 months."_  
_  
"Nine moths!"_ he said really surprised. _"That's definitely serious."_

_"Well, we've been taking things slow…",_ she said looking at him and then down in the table. _"At first we were just friends… I really liked his company and we saw each other a lot, but then he asked me out on a date and… ummm… well… things just went from there… and, here we are, I guess."_  
_  
"Wow!" _he said as he started to tease her. _"That's quite a summary you just gave me! I hope you don't edit articles that way…"_  
_  
_She couldn't help but to start laughing. She was laughing at the irony. She always used to be the one who cleared the air, or made silly little jokes so nobody would feel uncomfortable in this kind of situation, but… the minute he'd sensed that she was feeling uncomfortable, he was the one who started joking around. She found that very interesting since he wasn't a funny guy to begin with.

_"I'm sorry…", _she said getting some air after all the laughing.

_"No, no it's ok",_ he said now laughing a little as well, while contemplating the glow in her face because of her smile. _"I'm glad to see that I'm being your buffoon."_  
_  
"I'm sorry Ryan…it's just that…",_ she said, still smiling at him. _"…I can't help to feel uncomfortable taking to you about Matt"_

_"Why?", _he said, somehow expecting her to say something like: I still have feelings for you, even though he knew that that was something that was never going to come out of her mouth in that moment. 

_"I don't know",_ she said while wrinkling her face a little. _"It's just… weird."_  
_  
"Well…"_ he said looking at her. _"You shouldn't feel weird about me, remember?"_  
_  
"I know, I'm being silly",_ she said again with her perky voice _"It's not like I have feelings for you… and you don't have feelings for me either."_  
_  
_Ryan felt out of oxygen all of the sudden. She'd just said that she didn't feel anything for him! And that hurt… It really hurt. For a moment there was this awkward silence between them, but Ryan couldn't allow that to happen, mainly because if they stayed in silence for too long, he was going to start feeling the void of what she'd just said; so once again he did what used to be Taylor's job and started talking: _"Yeah, we're both good."_  
_  
_Taylor was feeling awkward about what she'd just said, and she was afraid of saying anything else… but she really needed Ryan to believe that she was ok with this. She was ok with being just friends with him. So she needed to say something… fast!

"_So... what about you?"_ she asked, once again putting a smile on her face. She wasn't comfortable with all this pretending, but this was what she needed to do. _"What about your love life? Any girls in the horizon?"_  
_  
"Well, only one… and I happen to love her very much",_ he said as he looked right at Taylor.

_"Oh really?"_ she asked, now starting to feel even more awkward than before. He had a new love interest in his life… _"What's her name?"_  
_  
"Sophie Rose Cohen", _he said as a smile started to light up his face.

Hearing him say that just melted Taylor's heart. To hear him say that Sophie was now the only girl in his life instantly made her smile. She was a sweet girl, and for some reason she'd always felt connected to Ryan. She'd also always had a connection with Seth, but with Ryan it was different. Taylor never understood why, but it had always been that way.

_"Actually…"_ he continued saying _"Her birthday is in 5 days and I have to get her a present. I was going to use my lunch break to buy her something… do you want to come with me?"_  
_  
"Yeah… of course"_ she said and they went over to the mall.

After that conversation, they just naturally started feeling comfortable around the other. They spent that whole hour just fooling around in the mall and having a really great time. They had ice cream and they were talking and smiling… It was just like old times.

When the lunch break was over, and they were saying their goodbyes, Ryan invited Taylor to Sophie's birthday party. At first he hesitated a little… but he thought that, since he had spent this really magical day with her, things couldn't go wrong. She smiled at him with her gorgeous smile, and he once again felt he had the world in the palm of his hand. That was until she said: _"Yeah… I'll be there… I just have to tell Matt."_

He'd felt like he was sky high, and then all of the sudden, he'd just hit rock bottom. He was now regretting ever inviting her over. Why couldn't she go alone? Why did she had to go with him? Oh right! He almost forgot! He was her BOYFRIEND!

Once again… this was a torture! The thought of her being with Matt there was killing him. And as she turned around to go… Ryan was in pain… horrible and deep pain. He just couldn't help but to, in his mind, repeat the words: _"Shoot me… shoot me now!"_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**_Author's note: _**Again it's me! See? I told you I was going to update frequently! I'm going to try my best to keep updating frequently... Hope you guys like this chapter... Leave your reviews. It always makes me happy to see them! Sharon.


	9. What Makes A Man Love You Like I Do

Chapter 9

This was turning into a really weird day. It had started nice though. Taylor and Matt had spent the whole day out visiting art galleries, museums, parks… They'd pretty much visited anything that was worth seeing in Berkeley. Things were definitely good between them and Taylor liked that. Things were going exactly the way she wanted. Even though she had talked to Ryan and they were both cool with just being friends, she really hadn't wanted to bump into him. She had spent a really great hour in the mall with him while getting Sophie's birthday present, but for some reason, she knew that things weren't going to be that smooth if Matt was present. She was already feeling weird about having to go to Sophie's birthday party in two days, and that was pretty much all the drama she could handle at the moment. So she did her best to avoid hanging out with Seth and Summer just because she was afraid of Ryan getting involved.

But, after all, they were her friends and she couldn't bear not being with them for too long. So she'd been glad to hear that Summer and Seth had wanted to go to the movies, and that they'd been kindly inviting her and Matt to go along with them.  
She'd been happy to see them when she and Matt had gone to their house. The day had still been going good and nothing major had happened, and that had made Taylor really happy. That was until Ryan had decided to show up unannounced to find out what Seth had bought Sophie for her birthday so that they didn't happen to end up getting her the same gift. When Taylor had seen him, she'd immediately begun to pray in her mind that he'd go away quickly. But, instead, since apparently Ryan had nothing better to do that night, Matt himself had invited him to tag along with them.

And now, the five of them were getting in line to buy the movie tickets. It was weird. It was weird for Taylor and she sensed that it was weird for Ryan as well. After all, he hadn't agreed to go before giving all kinds of excuses.

Ryan didn't want to be there at all. The minute he'd seen Matt at Seth and Summer's place he had tried to get out of there. It didn't matter if everyone else loved Matt, he just couldn't stand the guy, and that had lot to do with him being Taylor's boyfriend. Just the sight of him, had made Ryan want to go over there and punch him, but he hadn't been able to do that. He had managed to control his inner beast just for the sake of not putting Taylor in a difficult position. That was how much he loved her. He'd been just about to leave the house when Matt had suggested the apparently great idea to invite him to go to the movies with them. He'd done his best to pretend that he was busy, or that he needed to be somewhere else, but he wasn't a great liar, and he'd still ended up going to the movies. He'd thought that he had at least two days to prepare psychologically to see Taylor with Matt at his beloved sister's birthday party but now he was doing this… being the fifth wheel on a date that he certainly didn't want to be at in the first place.

It was pretty hard to see Taylor standing in front of him, next to Matt, and seeing him put his arm around her shoulders. He was trying his best not to look at them, but it was practically inevitable, and it bothered him so much that it had started to show in his face.Summer noticed that Ryan was upset and she knew it was because Matt was giving Taylor a lot of public displays of affection, such as kisses on her neck, and talking to her in her ear, and as much as Taylor tried to stop him from doing that, it just wasn't working. Summer was starting to feel like this was her fault, she didn't know why; she just knew she was feeling it, so she leaned over to Ryan's ear and she whispered: _"How much do you want to kill yourself now?"_  
_  
_Ryan sighed and looked at her from the corner of his eye and said: _"A lot."_  
_  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…",_ she continued whispering in his ear so that the two love birds in front of them wouldn't overhear. _"I'm sooooo sorry!"_  
_  
_Ryan looked down at her and he gave him a half smile. He really appreciated Summer understanding what he was going through in that moment and it actually made him feel a little better, until he lifted his head up again and happened to catch the kiss Matt was giving Taylor. He just closed his eyes in disgust and said to her: _"Don't worry about it… it's not your fault."_

she asked, noticing that this was turning impossible for Ryan and he definitely needed a little help. 

_"Actually there is…",_ he said looking at Summer once again from the corner of his eye. _"Since I can't get out of here without making it seem like I'm running away… would you mind taking her away from him… just for a while so I can collect myself again…?"_  
_  
_Summer smiled at Ryan. At this point, she was starting to feel a little awkward with all of the kisses Matt was giving Taylor and even she could use a little break. So she looked back at Ryan and said: _"That I can do."_  
_  
"Thanks…",_ he replied in relief.

_"So… Taylor…",_ Summer said, now raising her voice so Taylor could turn back and look at her. _"Since the boys are getting closer to the ticket booth, why don't we go over there and buy ourselves some popcorn and snacks?"_  
_  
"Sure",_ she said smiling and feeling a little relieved that she was getting away from there. Somehow, with Matt trying to kiss her, she'd started feeling out of breath, but not in the good way. It was like Matt had started suffocating her. And she wasn't feeling too comfortable with Matt doing that with Ryan right behind her. She knew they had this whole friends deal, but she still didn't want to rub it in his face that she had a boyfriend now. So she'd gladly stepped aside from the line and gone away with Summer, thinking that, as long as Seth was there, there wasn't any trouble in leaving Matt alone with Ryan.

But now, there was this uncomfortable silence between the boys. There wasn't much of anything to talk about. Seth was doing his best to make a little small talk, but somehow the conversation kept getting stuck. So it was a blessing for him when a friend from work happened to be there and called for him to say hi. He immediately went over there, completely forgetting that Ryan hated Matt with all his heart and soul.

Oh yeah! They were alone now. There was this heavy atmosphere between them and it was definitely coming from Ryan. Now that he was alone with him he definitely wanted to knock him out on the floor. Even though Matt didn't seem like a bad guy, or someone untrustworthy, he just wanted to go all Kid Chino on his ass. He really hated him. After all, Matt had the girl he wanted. He got to kiss her and to hold her and he got to be with her during all that time in France. All his jealousy was starting to eat him from the inside, and it was really taking the best from him. He was pretty sure that Matt was feeling his rage, and that made him all the more surprised when he heard him say: _"Hey… it's ok."_  
_  
_Ryan was really stunned. He just looked at him with this cold and angry eyes and he just replied a really rude: _"What is?"  
"I'm just saying that it's ok",_ Matt said with this confident tone in his voice. He wasn't really intimidated by Ryan's rudeness. _"You don't have to like me."_  
_  
_Ryan just sighed really sarcastically and turned around to face him _"You pick things up fast",_ he said with an even more cold tone than before. Now that Matt had figure out that he wasn't his biggest fan, there wasn't any reason to hold back his tone.  
_"I get it",_ Matt said, feeling even more confident now._ "I know how it feels."_  
_  
_What the hell was he talking about? That made Ryan even angrier… if that was possible. _"Don't pretend like you know me… 'cause you don't"_ he said with a lost and cold look on his face.

_"Oh yeah, I do",_ Matt said smiling at him sarcastically.

_"And what exactly do you know?"_ Ryan said getting even more defensive. It made him mad that he didn't know him and he was trying to pretend he did.

_"That you need to save the girl",_ Matt said looking Ryan straight in his eyes _"And right now, you think you need to save Taylor from me. She told me you were really overprotective of her."_  
_  
_Ryan was now speechless. For two things in particular. First, he did have a "saving the girl" complex, and somehow, after only meeting him twice, Matt had figured that out. What else did he know about him? Was there something else written in his face for the whole world to read? Was he letting everyone know that he was still in love with Taylor? But, the second thing that impressed him was that apparently he wasn't letting everyone know he was in love with Taylor. He could've have sworn that Matt had figured out that he was more than in love with her, but Matt only said that Taylor had told him that he was overprotective of her; he didn't say anything about them having had a relationship, or even having been engaged.

_"Taylor didn't tell him that?"_ he thought to himself. He started thinking that she wouldn't have left that out unless she had a really good reason. But if she was happy with him, and she really wanted things to work out with him as well, then why would she withhold that kind of information? What could possibly be a good reason to hide important things from your boyfriend, who you say makes you happy and who has proved to be a confident guy, that you used to be engaged to someone else? _"I mean…",_ he continued thinking. _"If she really doesn't feel anything for me like she said and I'm really a part of her past… why would she hide that from him?" _Maybe this could be the sign he was expecting. Maybe the torture was paying off. Maybe this proved that she wasn't over Ryan yet. Maybe there was a reason for Ryan to have hope again.

Ryan had been quite for a while now, so Matt continued speaking: _"I have two sisters of my own and I know how it is… you never think the boys they're with are good for them and I know you feel like I'm not good enough for Taylor, and you don't have to like me, but I want you to know that I really care for her… a lot."_  
_  
_That just confirmed that Taylor hadn't told him that they used to be together. He'd just compared what Ryan felt for Taylor to what he felt for his own sisters. So that meant that maybe Taylor was hiding something and she was afraid to admit it… but he still didn't want to cause any troubles for her. He wasn't going to ruin her relationship with Matt just because she had chosen to keep her past a secret. If it turned out that she was really feeling something for him after all this time, she needed to figure that out on her own. He wanted her to figure that out on her own. It was the only way he was really going to feel worthy of her again…

_"And what is it exactly that makes you care about her?",_ Ryan asked again with his defensive tone. If he would've known what he was about to hear, he wouldn't have asked.

_"A lot of things…",_ Matt said with a sigh looking at her hair at the distance. _"For starters, the way she smiles… it doesn't matter how bad your day has been, you feel like you can relive it just for the satisfaction to see her smile at the end of the day…"_  
_  
_Ryan knew that. He could totally understand what he was talking about. Every time he'd seen that smile, he just wanted to make her happier and happier. That smile had the power of lighting up the most dark and painful day…

_"…her eyes… so deep and naïve",_ Matt continued still looking at her in the distance, and Ryan noticed it. _"It just makes you wonder if you've ever seen something more beautiful in the world..."_  
_  
_Once again, Ryan knew what he was talking about. Her eyes were so expressive. He had learned to practically read her mind just by looking at them. They had this rare combination between experience and vulnerability. It was impossible not to look at those eyes and smile.

_"… The way she gets you",_ Matt kept saying, almost hypnotized by her, and now Ryan had started to look at her too. _"…almost like she can see through you…"_  
_  
_Again… Ryan definitely knew what he was talking about. From the start, Taylor had known how to say what he was feeling, even before he felt it. And he always found that interesting. She was one of those people who could sit with you in complete silence and understand completely what you were not saying…

_"__The way she rambles…",_ Matt continued, with a smile on his face now. _"There's no awkward silence she can't fill."  
_Oh, Ryan definitely knew that! She always started rambling when she was nervous. Whenever she was happy, words just spilled right out of her, like they were these giant waves rushing threw her… And what he loved most about her ramblings was that they were always a good excuse to kiss her…

_"The scent of her hair…",_ Matt said, continuing his list. _"It's so amazing."_  
_  
_It really was. There wasn't any other word that could describe more perfectly the scent of her hair. Smelling that hair while having her in your arms was absolutely amazing. It made you feel like no matter how many days, weeks, months or years passed by, you were always going to remember that scent and the sensation of having her wrapped into your arms.

_"Her lips…",_ Matt continued saying, still looking at her talking to Summer in the distance. _"I think there are no words to describe them…"_  
_  
_Oh, those lips… so sweet and delicate. Ryan remembered that they tasted like strawberries because of the lip gloss she always had on. But they definitely tasted a lot better when they didn't have any lipstick or lip gloss. The feeling of her lips on his was so breathtaking and exhilarating… just remembering those lips made him miss her even more. Once again this was a really excruciating torture… he only had her a few feet away and it felt like they were a whole world apart. And listening to her boyfriend saying all the things he liked about her wasn't helping. It made it a lot harder to hate him, because now, Ryan could definitely understand why he couldn't help to kiss her in public. Quite frankly, he wouldn't have been able to help it either.

_"There are so many things…",_ Matt said, finally looking at Ryan. _"And as you can see, I not only care for her Ryan, I love her… more than anything."_  
_  
_All of a sudden, Ryan remembered that those words, those exact words were the words he'd told her just hours before he'd proposed. _"I love you, more than anything…" _All of the sudden this wave of memories hit him, and it hit him really bad. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them to see her in the distance smiling with Summer… that smile was priceless.

_"I understand that you wanna protect her, but you don't need to protect her from me…",_ Matt said noticing that now Ryan was the one lost in her. _"She's your friend and I can tell you really love her…"_  
_  
_No he didn't! He couldn't possibly tell how much he loved her. He loved her to the point of pain. And as much as it hurt for him to love her in that very moment, he found himself unable to stop. And even if he could've stopped, he wouldn't want to. That pain he was feeling was the symbol of a love so deep and so pure that he'd never want to forget, even if remembering it would only cause him agony. Ryan just closed his eyes once again, and he said the only possible thing that came to his mind: _"I do…"_  
_  
_That "I do" had been so deep and so full of emotions that Matt looked at him and all of a sudden began to suspect again that maybe there was something more than just a friends story behind it. Meanwhile, the girls had already bought all the snacks they could carry and when Taylor turned around and saw Matt alone with Ryan, her face turned white. For how long had they been alone? What had Ryan said to Matt? What had Matt said to Ryan? What if Matt now knew they used to be a couple?

Summer turned around a little and only saw Taylor's face and immediately asked: _"Taylor honey… what's wrong?"_  
_  
"Why is Matt alone with Ryan?",_ she asked, said still looking white and feeling totally nervous. _"Where's Seth?"_  
_  
_Summer turned around to see the reason for why her friend was looking like a ghost and witnessed Ryan looking at them with this sad look on his eyes, and Matt looking at him. _"Oh I'm going to kick Cohen's ass!"_ Summer thought to herself. Ryan was already feeling bad about Matt's presence when everybody was around, and she could only imagine how he was feeling now that his own brother had left him with the guy who was making him this uncomfortable. But she also thought that this was the perfect opportunity to make Taylor realize why she had turned white and why she was suddenly so nervous. So she tried to pretend she wasn't worried about Ryan and asked: _"Why shouldn't they be alone? You're friends right?"_  
_  
"Yes, Summer we're friends",_ she said, now talking extremely fast._ "But there are a lot of things Matt doesn't know about me and Ryan."_  
_  
_Summer looked at Taylor and her jaw almost dropped to the floor. _"He doesn't know you guys almost got married?"_ she wondered surprised and in shock.

_"He doesn't even know we dated!"_ Taylor said freaking out. _"And Ryan doesn't know he doesn't know!"_  
_  
"Taylor why didn't you tell Matt about that?! Are you crazy?!"_ she said desperately whispering at her. If she could've yelled at her, she would've done it.

_"I didn't want to tell Matt because he would freak out!"_ Taylor said, leaning towards Summer's ear. _"And I didn't want to tell Ryan, because… I don't know!"_  
_  
"Taylor…"_ Summer said, almost as if she was going to start giving her a lecture.

_"Summer, can we please just go over there?",_ Taylor asked, really desperate.As much as Summer wanted to yell at her for being such a fool, and not realizing that the reason she hadn't told Matt about it was because she wasn't sure about her relationship with him… she desperately wanted to rescue Ryan, so she nodded at Taylor and they started walking over there as fast as they could but as cool as possible at the same time.By now, the boys already had the tickets for the movie and were only waiting for them, and for Seth, of course.

_"Hey…!" _Matt said, glad to see that Taylor was coming over to stand at his side. _"I thought you girls were going to take forever!"_  
_  
"Yeah…!" _Ryan said with this strange look in his eyes, while seeing Taylor giving Matt a kiss on the cheek _"I kinda started to miss you both",_ he said while looking at Summer with this upset face that made Summer realize that something had definitely happened while they were gone.

_"Where's Cohen?"_ Summer asked, while turning back to face Ryan with an upset look, as if to tell him that it wasn't her fault this time; Seth was the one who had left them alone.

_"He went over there to say hello to someone",_ Matt said while pointing in the direction where Seth had gone, but he wasn't there anymore.

_"Where is he?"_ she wondered. _"There's something really important I want to tell him",_ she said that last sentence while talking through her teeth.

_"Well he was right there",_ Matt said once again pointing out to the place where Seth had been standing.

_"Would you mind coming with me to look for him?"_ Summer said looking at Matt. What she really wanted was to give Ryan and Taylor some space to discuss whatever had just happened, and in order for that to happen, she needed to get Matt away from there.

_"Ok…",_ he said without hesitation. And they both left.

Taylor and Ryan were left alone and they both were in quiet for a few moments. Ryan still hadn't recovered from the shock it had been hearing Matt say all those things, and it was kinda hard for him to look at Taylor in that moment.  
Taylor realized that something was wrong because Ryan seemed pretty hurt and it killed her to see him like that. But at the same time she wanted to know if Matt knew now something he wasn't supposed to know.

_"What happened?"_ she asked a little frustrated, but with this sweet voice while talking to Ryan.

_"Nothing…",_ he said looking to the floor. _"We were just talking."_  
_  
"About?"_ she asked, wanting Ryan to tell her something so she could decipher what had happened.

_"You, mostly",_ he answered honestly, now lifting his head to face her and giving him the best smile he could at that moment.

_"Did he say something wrong… Ryan?"_ she asked, looking at him so vulnerably in that moment.

_"No, no…"_ he said still looking straight to her eyes, spite the pain he was feeling by doing that. _"I just realized that he doesn't know our history."_  
_  
_Taylor felt a cold shiver in her entire body. It was the first time she had heard him say "our history", like they were past tense; and when he said it, he was looking at her straight in her eyes and that, for some reason, scared her.

_"Did you say anything?"_ she asked nervously waiting for him to answer.

He couldn't believe that that was what she was worried about. He still had a little faith that maybe she would notice how heartbroken he was at that moment, but instead she was asking if he had said something to jeopardize her relationship. _"No… I didn't",_ he said with a sigh.

Taylor sighed a little in relief and then she noticed the sad look in his eyes. _"I'm sorry I haven't told him about our past, it's just that…"_ Taylor started to say, feeling really uncomfortable and still noticing that maybe something else had happened that had Ryan looking extremely hurt.

_"Taylor, just…",_ he said while interrupting her and raising his hand so she would stop. _"Don't mess around with him…he really loves you and you're lucky to have him."_

It really hurt for Ryan to say that, and it hurt even more, because he knew it was true. Matt was deeply in love with her… and as much as he hated to admit, he was a pretty decent guy who could make her happy. He was so hurt that he even forgot that just moments ago, he'd been contemplating the possibility that maybe Taylor still had feelings for him. He was in so much pain right now…

_"Look what I found!"_ Summer said cheerfully while showing Seth off. _"He was talking to some people over the payphones and he'd completely forgotten about us!"_  
_  
_Taylor was still looking at Ryan with these tender eyes and she just wanted to hold him when she felt Matt's arms around her shoulders…

_"Come on…",_ Matt said while turning her around a little. _"Let's just go inside and watch the movie…"_  
_  
_As she was turning around she still had her eyes on Ryan's and she kept looking at them until the moment she couldn't turn her neck anymore. She knew something else was going on that he wasn't telling her… it just broke her heart to see him like this and she knew that it was her fault… it was all her fault.

As he watched her go inside the movie theater with Matt, he could almost hear his own heart breaking. He looked at the floor and then closed his eyes as hard as he could… and he could only hear Summer's voice in the background touching his shoulder and wondering: _"Are you ok?"_  
_  
_Ryan held his breath for a moment while he looked at Summer and said really honestly: _"No… __I'm not."_


	10. Waiting All My Life To Say It

**Author's Note: **Hey guys! It's me... I wanted to thank you for the nice reviews... they make my day. This chapter was a little hard to write but hope you still like it anyways. Tell me what you think about it after you read it because all your comments help me improve. So don't hesitate on giving me suggestions... just please be nice :)! Anyways... here it goes...

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Chapter 10

Ryan had been all day running around like a maniac trying to help Sandy and Kirsten getting the last details ready for Sophie's party. He was tired of going around doing last minute shopping and looking for a lot of crazy things; such as pink and white balloons, just because Sophie was convinced there wasn't already enough. The girl was really excited about having a lot of kids coming over to her house to sing her happy birthday, and she wanted everything to be perfect… well, at least what was perfect for 7-year-olds. And that required a lot of pink and white balloons. Ryan was the only one who could do all that last minute shopping because Seth and Summer were hanging out with Taylor and Matt, and after the whole movies disaster, Ryan didn't want to hang out with them unless it was strictly necessary.

Driving around shopping for silly little things was somehow soothing. It kept his mind off thinking about Taylor and her new boyfriend, and especially thinking about Matt, who was totally in love with her and pretty much could, and would, give her the whole world. He had spent a lot of time thinking about them the past few days… in fact he hadn't even paid attention to the movie that night because he couldn't help thinking that maybe Taylor deserved to be with Matt after all. Judging by the way he talked about her, Ryan knew that it was impossible for Matt to do something to hurt Taylor, and that he was really committed to the relationship. Matt talked about Taylor like his whole world revolved around her and like there was nothing more important to him than making her happy, which was the main reason Ryan had come to the conclusion that she was better off with him.

Back in the past, even if it was only for a little while, something else had become more important to Ryan than her. He couldn't believe that that had happened, but it had, and even if he had never stopped loving her, that mistake took her away from him. He had failed her, and Matt seemed like the kinda guy who would never do that. It hurt to see her in somebody else's arms, but at least with Matt she was safe, and he didn't have to worry about Taylor ending up as hurt as he was now. But at least right now, while shopping, he wasn't thinking about any of that. He could only focus on the 7-year-old girl who was anxiously waiting for him in the Cohen's house and who would do her best to kill him if he dared to show up with the wrong color of balloons.

After he ended the shopping and had made sure that he hadn't forgot anything, he'd gone over to the house and started helping setting up the last details of the fairy tale themed party his little sister had orchestrated. Again, this wasn't one of his strong suits, but he had to keep himself busy, because the moment he wasn't occupied, his mind wandered to think about the fact that Taylor was going to be at the party in just a while, and he couldn't allow himself to freak out. Sophie was a perceptive kid, and if he got too broody, she was going to realize that something was off, and he didn't want her little and innocent mind to worry about whatever it was he was thinking. He wanted this night to be really nice for Sophie… she deserved it. So he did his best to help her with all the decorations and that kind of stuff, and he actually started having fun. Something about hanging out with a little girl, made him careless and happy… almost like he was living the childhood he'd never had and it was great. It was really fun to be silly and play with her as much as he could. She was the reason he lived for… the only girl in his life that was actually his.

He was playing hide and seek with her when he heard the doorbell ring. He looked at his watch and realized that it was the time he had told Seth, Summer and Taylor to be there, and out of all three of them, Taylor was extremely punctual. So this was probably them, along with Matt. He definitely didn't want to be the one who answered the door, so he let Kirsten open it instead. He used looking for Sophie as an excuse to get out of the living room, so that when they entered the house, they didn't see him. He wanted to avoid being in the same room with Taylor as much as he could.

Time slowly passed by and eventually all of Sophie's guests started to show up, so now, Ryan didn't have the "I'm playing with Sophie"- excuse to avoid hanging out with the grown-ups. But he still didn't want to hang out with Seth and Summer, and he definitely didn't want to be with Taylor, so he started to hang out with Kirsten. Kirsten knew that something had to be wrong for Ryan to decide spending time with her all of the sudden instead of being with Seth, so she decided to ask him:

_"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"_ she wondered, smiling at him with this kind and loving smile.

_"About what?"_ Ryan asked trying to pretend nothing was going on.

_"About the fact that you're acting kinda strange",_ she said smiling at him sarcastically.

_"I'm not",_ he said smiling back at her.

_"Ryan…",_ she said laughing a little about him trying to pretend he was ok. _"In less than two hours you have gone from spending time with a 7-year-old girl to spending time with a forty-seven year-old woman. Not that I'm complaining…"_

_  
"Then don't",_ he said, smiling at her once again pretending he was fine.

_"It's just that you always give Seth moral support in this kind of events and you always hang out with people your own age",_she said looking at him sweetly.

_"Well…Seth hasn't given me a lot of moral support lately",_ he said while taking a deep breath and remembering that Seth was the one who left him alone with Matt that night.

_"So… are you guys having a fight now?",_ she asked, now looking surprised and preoccupied. _"That's odd."_

_  
"No, no…",_ he said, noticing that Kirsten was now preoccupied. _"We're not fighting, I'm not mad at him or anything, it's just that…"_

_"Ahaa?…",_ Kirsten asked, knowing that he was finally going to come clean about what was happening.

_"If I go over there and hang out with them then…",_ he said as he took a deep breath, _"I'm going to have to hang out with Taylor…"_

_"And Taylor's with Matt and you don't wanna spend time with him…",_ Kirsten said ending the sentence.

_"Exactly…",_ he said, feeling a little relaxed that everything was out in the open.

_"Ok… then…",_ she said understanding what was going on. _"I still wanna see you with people your own age so why don't I ask Seth to come over?"_

_"That's fine",_ he said smiling at Kirsten. _"Thanks."_

_"You're welcome",_ she said as she smiled and went over to Seth.

Seth and Ryan started talking about everything that had happened the past few days, and that gave Ryan an opportunity to reproach him about why the hell he had left him alone with Matt that night. Seth gave Ryan a thousand million excuses in a pretty hilarious way, and soon Ryan had forgotten about it. He was actually feeling a lot more comfortable now, and he didn't seem to mind Matt's presence, or Taylor's for that matter. He was laughing and smiling while talking to Seth, which made Taylor feel a little bit weird all of the sudden.

She was witnessing the scene in the distance while talking to Matt and Summer, and it caught her attention that Ryan was normal now. She found it really strange given the fact that the last time she'd seen him, he'd seemed to be pretty hurt. Somehow, she'd hoped that it would've been because he was having a bad day or because he was mad at Seth, after all, he had taken off without an explanation. But now he was talking to Seth, and he seemed pretty happy. So was he avoiding her? Why was he avoiding her? Was there anything in particular reason to why he should be mad at her? Had she done something wrong without realizing it? The uncertainty was killing her, and she definitely needed to talk to him, but somehow she felt this wasn't the right time.

Since Summer had noticed that Ryan was talking to Seth, she'd decided to go over there as well, leaving Matt alone with Taylor.

_"Tay babe",_ he said while taking her hand. _"There's something I need to tell you…"_

_"Oh yeah?"_ she asked coming back to reality. _"What is it?"_

_"Well I got a call from the office this morning",_ he said, looking at her hand in his and playing with her fingers. _"And it turns out they gave me this really important story to cover…"_

_"Really? I'm so happy for you!"_ she said with a big smile on her face as she gave him a hug.

_"Yeah…",_ he said letting her go a little. _"But… the bad thing is…"_

_"Matt… what's wrong?"_ she asked looking at him, a little surprised that he'd stopped talking all of a sudden.

_"I have to go back to Paris tomorrow…",_ he said looking down in the floor with a sad voice.

_"Oh…I see",_ she said really calm, but letting go of his hand.  
_"You don't have to come with me…",_ he said _"You can stay here… I want you to stay here…"_

_"Are you sure about that?"_ she asked, feeling a little anxious and contemplating the possibility of running away of the awkwardness this visit to Berkeley was causing her. _"'Cause I can…"_

_"No, no, no…",_ he said, interrupting her _"Just because I have to go back, doesn't mean you have to come with me. You like it here and I don't wanna rob you from this experience… And that's that…", _he finished saying while cupping her face with his hands and kissing her nose.

_"Ok…" _she said while smiling at him.

_"Ok then… Now, would you tell me where the bathroom is?",_ he asked while letting her go and stepping aside a little.  
Taylor smiled and she said: _"It's down the hall, the second door on your left."_

_"Ok. I'll be right back",_ he said, and he went away.

This was it. This was the right time. She needed to know why Ryan was avoiding her. It had bugged her since the minute she'd walked into the house and had realized that Ryan was there and didn't come over to say hello. She needed to talk to him, and the need wasn't going to go away until she had known why Ryan was being like that. After all, this was Taylor, and she always got her way.She started walking over to Seth, Summer and Ryan, and she felt how they suddenly started getting quiet as she got closer and closer. It scared her a little inside, but she needed to talk to him… she really did.

"_Hello Ryan…",_ she said giving him a smile, but somehow her tone didn't feel too cheery.

_"Taylor…"_ he said in a really polite and formal tone.

That tone scared her even more. He had never talked to her so coldly before. It was almost as if he didn't know her, or if they had never spent more than five minutes with each other. She took a little air and finally let go of the words that had taken her there, to that uncomfortable moment: _"Can I talk to you for a sec?"_

Ryan looked at Seth and then he looked at Summer, searching for an answer in their eyes to know if it was ok for him to be alone with her. It was like he didn't feel sure about what would happen if they were left alone for a while… but… he couldn't deny her anything. The woman was a bulldozer and he knew that if she wanted to talk to him, she was going to… it was just a matter of how soon he wanted it to be.

"_Sure…",_ he said rising from the chair and going away with her.

As they walked by, Taylor started looking at her fingers while she played with them. Ryan couldn't help but to look at her playing like that and he immediately knew she was a little nervous. He just smiled a little and then she started talking:

"_Are you mad at me or something?",_ she asked, raising her head to meet his eyes with the hopes of figuring out if he was angry just by looking at them.

_"No!…",_ was his instinctive answer. _"Why would you think that?"_

_"Well…",_ she said, still playing with her fingers and now looking at them again. _"For starters, you've been avoiding me… which honestly makes me feel kinda weird because you invited me, and we were fine. At least I thought we were, until the whole movie thing from which I don't know what happened…"_

_"Taylor…",_ he said stopping from walking and placing himself in front of her. _"I'm not mad at you."_

Taylor sighed in relief and then she just looked at him and asked a little frustrated: _"Then why are you avoiding me?"_

_"I'm not avoiding you…", _he said wrinkling his forehead. _"Otherwise I wouldn't be here talking to you."_

_"But you didn't try to talk to me either, I had to go looking for you",_ she said with this almost sad tone in her voice, and Ryan noticed it.

It made him happy to see that she was upset about him not talking to her. That had unsettled her enough for her to come over to him and start this conversation, which obviously made her feel uncomfortable, judging by the way she was playing with her fingers. Maybe this was another sign… maybe this meant that there was still something inside her that felt the need to have him in his life. Maybe this was another sign, just like the fact she hadn't told Matt about their past, that indicated that she wasn't over him. As he started thinking all that, a smile started to show in his face…

_"Why are you smiling?",_ she asked, wondering if she had said something funny.

_"Nothing…",_ he said, still smiling but now looking at the floor. _"Look Taylor, I'm not mad at you, it's just that I decided to stay a little away from you 'cause Matt told me you said I was overprotective of you, and I didn't want him to think that I'm pulling you away from him… that's all."_

_  
"Oh!",_ she said, realizing that what he said actually made sense _"Good..."_

_  
"You're really paranoid!"_ he said, now teasing her with a smile on his face. He couldn't help it. Whenever he was alone with her, he just became this really happy person.

_"Well",_ she said, realizing that things were good now and gently hitting his arm. _"It's one of my many quirks…"_

They sat down on some chairs and started talking for a while. If someone would've seen them for the first time sitting there and talking, they never would've guessed that just minutes ago they'd been uncomfortable or that they hadn't been speaking to each other. Now, they were laughing and smiling and just being themselves…

It was a really beautiful scene and Summer was witnessing it sitting in Seth's lap. She loved to see them so happy and comfortable. It was nice, although it made her miss them being together a lot more.

"_Just look at that",_ she said with this romantic voice as she admired her two best friends in the distance. _"They look so good together."_

_"Yeah… they do",_ Seth said, realizing that the chemistry between them was undeniable _"Who would've thought that two people so different could be so similar at the same time?"_

_"I know!",_ Summer said with an excited voice. _"They're meant for each other, and they are so stupid that they don't realize it."_

_"Well",_ Seth said, _"Ryan knows that… he's still in love with her."  
"He never stopped loving her, that is soooo cute",_ she said while holding Seth's hand. _"I miss them being engaged… they were so…"_

_"Happy?",_ Seth finished the sentence. _"Ryan didn't end up so happy after he went to the airport before she went to France and didn't catch her…"_

_"I know, Cohen… I was there… remember?",_ she said, giving him a serious look now. _"If only I could tell her that he went to look for her…"_

_"Summer…",_ he said with a little sad voice. _"What's the use? She's with Matt now… and she seems ok…"_

_"Seems being the operative word…",_ she said looking back at him. _" I know her and she's doing her best to be happy, but I don't know if she's accomplishing it… Matt's a nice guy, he is, but…"_

_"I know…",_ Seth said while he squeezed her hand a little harder. _"They were happy…"_

_"They were happy",_ Summer said still looking at them fooling around in some chairs in the distance.

Suddenly… it hit him. It hit Matt from where all the awkwardness came from. Listening to the whole conversation between Seth and Summer had made him realize that his suspicions were right all along. He started remembering her freak out just hours before leaving Paris, how awkward the moment he'd met Ryan for the first time had been. How she'd completed Ryan's sentence when she'd introduced them, how she had lied to him, straight to his face when he had asked her if they used to be together the day after their arrival in Berkeley. How mad Ryan had been to see them together that night in the movies. He suddenly realized that that "I do" Ryan had said wasn't a: "I do love her as a friend", it was just a: "I do love her… with all my heart". There was history there, and apparently, a really big one. They'd been engaged! They were going to get married just months before he'd entered her life. And seeing them together, sitting in those chairs talking and laughing, hurt him a lot. But most of all… it made him angry. It made him angry to think that the woman he loved the most had kept her past from him and had treated him like a fool since the moment they'd set foot in Berkeley. Now, she was sitting with the guy who was obviously still in love with her, and he couldn't bare the sight of it. She was his girlfriend after all, and he didn't want her there with Ryan in that moment.

So, without saying a word to Summer or Seth about having overheard the whole conversation, he just went over to where Taylor was sitting with Ryan, grabbed her by the arm and took her with him to the living room of the house. Ryan knew that Matt pulling Taylor away from him was probably because he had seen them talking and it had made him angry… but it still stunned him the way he was grabbing her arm like that, and he hated it. So he went over to the living room door and stayed there just in case things got a little out of hand between them.

_"Matt what the hell's gotten into you?"_ Taylor asked, really surprised by his reaction.

_"You lied to me!",_ he yelled at her, letting go of her arm

_"What are you talking about?"_ she wondered, yelling to him as well.

_"I'm talking about Ryan, what do you think I'm taking about!?"_ he asked as he got a lot more frustrated.

Ryan only put his head down and closed his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Taylor trouble, but somehow, he was doing it. By now, all the adults were attracted by the screaming and were now really close to the living room listening but, still pretending they weren't there.

Taylor stayed in silence, speechless for a moment. She couldn't believe that he had figured out there used to be something between them. What exactly had he seen that had produced such a radical and frustrated reaction from him? Matt was usually a calm guy, but now, he was yelling at her. He had never yelled at her before. It was the first time she had seen him like that.

_"You lied to me!",_ he continued, still yelling at her and with the same tone: _"You looked right into my eyes, and you told me nothing had happened between you two… that you were only friends."_

_"We are only friends Matt…!",_ she said screaming at him at the top of her lungs. She couldn't believe that he was making a scene in her friends-almost family's house

_"Oh yeah?"_ he said with this defensive tone in his voice and even more frustrated. _"He gave you an engagement ring, Taylor! That's more than a friend! Oh, please let me know if all your friends give you engagement rings so I can keep up!"_

Taylor once again was speechless… How the hell had he found out that they used to be engaged? Ryan certainly hadn't told him. If he had told him that night in the movies, this freak out would've happened a lot sooner. He had just found out about it and she couldn't figure out how.

"_Ok… so we used to be a couple!"_ she said, still yelling at him. She had a big pride, and even though she knew that his reaction could be understandable, she wasn't going to be the wounded one when this fight was over. She was going to yell at him until he stopped yelling at her. _"But we're friends now! I'm with you now, ok?!"_

_"How do I know you're not lying again?"_ he asked while still raising his voice even more. _"You seemed to be having a great time out there about a minute ago. You were smiling and laughing with him… God, how could I be such a fool?"_

_"Matt!"_ she yelled at him, realizing that a lot of people, even though trying to pretend that they weren't, were listening to the fight. _"Can we talk about this later?"_

_"No, Taylor we can't!"_ he said even madder. _"I'm going to Paris tomorrow morning remember?... Oh so that's why you didn't have a real reaction when I told you I was going back!"_

_"You're accusing me of wanting to stay here with Ryan? Matt… that's not fair! It was your idea to stay here for two months ok? And it was also your idea that I stayed here while you were covering your story! Those were your ideas and yours only!"_ she said, yelling at him even more and getting more and more frustrated.

_"Yeah… I did!"_ he said looking at her with these strong eyes. _"That was before I discovered your big fat lie! But you know what? I'm not even going to ask you to come with me now…! Stay… stay here! I'm going to Paris…"_

_"Matt…! Matt!",_ she yelled at him while seeing that he was going out the door, but not going after him. Maybe it was because she was upset, or maybe it was because of her pride… or maybe it was for some other reason she hadn't figured out yet, but her feet just didn't move and she let him go…There was this strong silence in the room and everyone was stunned.

Taylor was now standing there looking so vulnerable that it made Ryan wanna go over there and hug her. He knew Matt's reaction was probably understandable, after all, Taylor had kept something important from him, but what he couldn't understand was that he had to make a scene in front of everyone, leaving Taylor like that… alone in the living room with everybody's eyes expecting her reaction. He just wanted to hold her and get her out of there, but she was still kinda paralyzed and he didn't know what she would do if he dared to hold her like he wanted to. After all, the fight had been over him, and he thought that it was better for her if he gave her space to clear her head.

Still, he couldn't leave her alone like that, so he immediately sent Summer there to be with her and to take her outside so she could cool down. She seemed pretty upset and mad about the whole situation, but somehow, she didn't seem heartbroken. He remembered that whenever they'd had a fight, a big fight, she'd always looked so lost and so deeply hurt… she rarely looked mad. But in this instant, she didn't seem like that at all… she just seemed so angry and so full of rage inside almost as if she was about to scream in frustration.

Again… he just thought that maybe this was another sign. He knew how proud she was and he assumed that the reason she was mad and upset was because Matt had caused a scene in front of the people that were important to her, but if she really would've wanted things to work out with Matt, as she said, she would've gone after him, and if she really would've loved Matt, she wouldn't have ended up mad… she would've ended up crying.

Surprisingly, the party kept going on normally… as if nothing major had happened. All the kids were playing and they hadn't even noticed that there had been a fight in the living room. They were so caught up in watching the magician tricks and taking turns on riding the borrowed pony that they forgot about the adults completely. That turned out to be a good thing 'cause if Sophie would've found out about the fight, she would've driven Ryan crazy with all "Are you with Taylor again?"-questions and he didn't like that idea so much. He did his best to ignore how much he wanted to talk to Taylor, and tried to be cool at least until the end of the party.

When the party was over, Ryan searched with his eyes for Taylor, but he couldn't find her anywhere. He thought that maybe she wasn't feeling comfortable and that she had gone back to her hotel room. He really wanted to talk to her in person, but he thought that maybe it was better if he tried calling her cell phone the next day. He was leaving the house when he heard a familiar voice, a voice he loved so much, asking him:  
_"So… are you leaving already?"_

He turned around to see Taylor, who was in the porch sitting in the dark.

"_Hey… I thought you had gone back to your hotel…",_ he said stopping and taking a seat next to her.

_"Ummm well… Matt's probably there packing his things to fly to Paris in the morning",_ she said looking down on her hands and with this strange tone in her voice.

_"Look Taylor,"_ Ryan said touching her hand for a second. _"I was looking for you to tell you I'm sorry… I didn't want to cause you any trouble."_

_"Oh well…",_ she said smiling and with a tone trying to make him feel better. _"It's not your fault…"_

_"But now… he's leaving because of this",_ he said, desperately looking to see the expression on her face.

_"He's not leaving because of this…",_ she said looking at him straight into his eyes. _"He has a story to cover… he told me a few hours ago, before any of this happened so… you have nothing to worry about."_

_"So…",_ he said looking at the floor for a moment and then looking at her. _"How are you doing? Are you ok?"_

_"Yeah…",_ she said really quickly while looking to her hands and then turning her head to look at him. _"I'm ok I guess… I deserved it though…"_

_"You shouldn't let him treat you like that",_ he said trying to hold back his angry tone.

Taylor, noticing that he was a little upset, did her best to make him feel ok and with a smile she asked: _"Like what?"_

_"Like that",_ he said, looking at her smile and then to the floor, _"making a scene in front of everybody… I mean when you and I…"_

He stopped all of the sudden and kept looking to the floor. He didn't know why he had started saying that. He immediately realized that she'd looked down to the floor too and she stayed in silence for a moment… this was turning kinda awkward…

"_I'm sorry…",_ he said with this uncomfortable voice. _"I shouldn't have said that…"_

_"It's ok Ryan", _she said smiling at him and touching his hand for a moment. _"You can say it… when we were together…?"_

He looked back at her and for a minute wasn't sure about continuing, but then he realized that she wasn't nervous or uncomfortable… he could always tell if she was like that... so he continued: _"When we were together, I never made you a scene like that in front of everyone…"_

_"Yeah…",_ she said, sighing a little bit and looking to the floor with a lost look in her face. _"We were the kinda people who fought behind closed doors right?"_

He noticed he had touched a scar and he hesitated continuing what he was saying. He didn't want her to relive all the bad things that had happened with them, he wanted her to remember the good things, so he looked down to the floor, and without realizing it, he was talking again, trying to mend what he had said:_ "Yeah.. but… before things got bad you ummm…",_ he said with a smile on his face.

_"I what?",_ she wondered, noticing that all of the sudden he was kinda laughing at her and she started laughing too. _"I what Ryan?"_

_"Nothing…",_ he said still laughing a little at her.

_"Oh please don't stop now…",_ she said while looking at him amused by the way he was laughing. _"I really wanna hear the end of this."_

_"It's just that before things turned bad between us… you were always the one who started some crazy fight and I find it really funny now…", _he said while smiling at her.

_"Yeah…",_ she said still looking at him and smiling ._"I did, didn't I? At least you find it funny now 'cause back then I used to get on your nerves whenever I did that."_

_"Oh yeah!"_ he said, still smiling at her while remembering her being all neurotic and paranoid on those silly little fights. _"I used to hate that you always got your way…"_

_"And it always drove you crazy too…",_ she said smiling at him still not believing that she was reminiscing with him about all those good moments in the past…

_"Yeah…",_ he said sighing and laughing again. _"You were definitely a pain in the ass… but in a good and cute way…"_

_"Hey!",_ she said hitting him in the arm a little while smiling at him. _"The only reason you think that, it's because you've never gotten me to do what you want, in the moment you want it… I'm always the one who's making you do things and it drives you crazy that you can't do the same with me!"_

He looked at her and for a moment and their eyes just found each other… it was a magical moment, The world stopped turning. He was lost in her eyes and he finally felt she was lost in his too… Her smile started to fade and she started breathing a little faster and harder… he realized that this was another sign… this was the final sign he had been hoping for… All the agony and torture he had felt by seeing her with Matt was worth it just for that moment. He kept looking at those sparkling eyes and he felt how she started playing with her hands and he knew there was definitely something there. It was time for him to make his move… this was the moment he had been waiting for and he was going to take it. It may have not been the perfect moment considering what had just happened with her boyfriend, but… at this point he had learned that there's no such thing as perfect moments to say or do things… there are just opportunities that you choose to take or leave. And he wasn't going to let this one pass. He had chosen to let go a lot of opportunities in the past and he wasn't about to do it again.

So he leaned in to her… He had her lips so close to his now and as he started breathing the same air she was breathing, he noticed that she had her eyes closed really hard… like she was scared of what would happen. The sight of her like that, just melted him away and he realized that maybe she was still confused… it was pretty clear for him, given all the signs, that there was something there. But it wasn't worth it if she didn't realize it… So he leaned over to the side a little bit and kissed her cheek. As his lips touched her skin, he felt goose bumps all over his body and he suddenly started to feel nervous too. While pulling away from her…he noticed that she wasn't closing her eyes as hard as before and he felt a soft sigh coming out of her… he pulled away completely and she opened her eyes… Those hazel eyes captured his soul once again and all he could do was smile. She stared at him for a moment without moving a muscle still in disbelief and her eyes followed his as he began standing from the chair. He looked to the floor once again and started smiling. It was a sweet and happy smile… the kinda smile he only had on his face when she was around. He looked at her again and realized she was speechless… like she couldn't believe what had just happened.

He knew he needed to do something more to help her realize that she still felt something for him and he did it the only way that came to his mind. He started looking for the car keys in his pocket and started walking down the stairs of the porch still looking at her. The shock in her face made him smile a lot more, because he knew that this… what he had just done and what he was about to say, was going to bug her… hopefully enough for her to realize that she belonged with him.

So he kept walking to the car and was about to go inside when he turned back again and realized that she hadn't taken her eyes off of him, not even for a second, and he smiled… he looked to the ground, still smiling and raised his head to meet her eyes once more and he finally said: _"You're right… that's why I love you."_


	11. Who Knew?

Chapter 11

It was early in the morning… the first few rays of sunlight were passing through the curtains, gently falling onto Taylor's face. You would think the gentle warmth of the sun would wake her up… but it was too late, she was already awake. She had been staring at the ceiling all night long for like the third night in a row. She had done everything… absolutely everything to get some sleep, but nothing seemed to work, not even the Chinese tea that had helped her years ago with her insomnia.

But… of course, this wasn't insomnia. This was something else. Ever since that night four days ago, when Ryan had told her those wordsshe'd found herself unable to sleep. She had tried to do something else, like reading… but somehow, she just found herself reading the same line like 12 times before she could understand what it said. That was weird… that had never happened to her before. Every time she started reading a book, she'd always made sure she was focused so she could absorb everything that was on the paper. She liked reading, she had to like it since she edited articles for a living, but it was more than a job. Reading was sacred to her, something that she didn't mess with and it was one of her favorite hobbies. Reading a good book always sent her to a place where everything was perfect… where everything can turn out the way you expect it and… if for some reason you're bored with the chapter you're reading, you can always skip to the ending and see how things are going to unfold. It was her own world where she knew exactly how things were going to end and that sensation always made her feel safe… _"If only you could do that with life…"_ she whispered to herself. Reading soothed her and when she'd had trouble sleeping in the past, she'd always started reading and felt good again, finding a new reason to wake up in the morning.  
But now, reading was not making her feel relaxed, it was upsetting her. It made her mad that she hadn't been able to concentrate on anything during the past few days… not even on one of the things she considered sacred and holy: reading.

This had been going on for a few days… and she definitely knew the reason… but, she didn't want to think much of it… not yet. She got up from the bed and went into the bathroom. She opened the faucet and lost herself in the sound of the water running. She sighed and placed her hands under the water stream, somehow wishing that the feeling of the water running through her fingers would make her relax a little bit. She washed her face and looked at herself in the mirror. God, she looked terrible! She looked pale, and with big dark circles beneath her eyes that obviously indicated that she wasn't getting much sleep. She closed her eyes for a moment and… she was seeing him.

She was sitting on the porch of the Cohen's house just looking at him standing beside his car, completely stunned by the way his lips had brushed her cheeks just a few seconds ago. She was looking at him with this sweet smile on his face looking at the ground and then at her. She'd noticed that he wasn't nervous at all. Like he had planned to do that for almost a lifetime and he had finally gotten what he wanted: to feel her skin on his lips. The moment was confusing and even more confusing because for some reason, she hadn't been able to take her gaze off of him, and she couldn't understand why. He'd started to look at her so deeply that she had started to feel out of breath. He looked at the floor once more… she thought that that was it… he was leaving now. But she wasn't prepared for what she was going to hear… _"You're right, that's why I love you"_.

Taylor opened her eyes quickly. She looked at herself again in the mirror and decided that it was time to take a shower. She needed to stop thinking about that or she was going to lose her mind! But it was practically impossible. He was there every time she closed her eyes; that was the reason she wasn't sleeping. He was there, looking extremely hot and sexy standing there, smiling at her. As much as she wanted to take him out of her mind… she couldn't get rid of him!

When she came out of the shower and started getting dressed, she decided to turn the radio on. Maybe the sound of some music would make her hear less her own thoughts about Ryan. For a while, it worked. Before she knew it, she was dancing around the room completely distracted and she felt good. For the first time in the last few days, she finally felt like she was succeeding in ignoring what had happened. In fact, what had happened? As she moved her hips and her head in rhythm with the music, she felt free and like she was on top of the world and nothing could bring her down. But then… a song started that caught her attention. It sounded really great, but somehow nostalgic. She stopped dancing and sat down on the bed, intrigued by the sound of this song. When she started paying attention, she noticed it was a Pink song, Pink's Who Knew to be exact. What was she doing listening to a Pink song? She had heard this song a lot of times in the past, but she'd never really paid attention to what it said … but now, there was something about the song and she couldn't turn it off. Inevitably, she started listening to the lyrics, and then she understood… she understood why she couldn't turn it off. As the lyrics of the song progressed she started to feel a knot in her throat… this song was making her remember what she'd had with Ryan back in the day. Again, the moment she closed her eyes, she started seeing all those moments with Ryan as if they were some sort of movie playing before her eyes … Who would've thought back then that their love story would have such a tragic ending? Who knew things were going to get that difficult? If she would've known then, that they were going to be apart so quickly, she would've learned to "count her blessings" before it was too late. But…_"still he said forever… and he couldn't do it"_ she thought to herself. They'd made a promise to one another to be there no matter what, but… life had gotten in the way.

She finally opened her eyes and took the room keys. She needed to get out of there. It was becoming so overwhelming being there, listening to that song. She just needed to get out and get some fresh air. Maybe that would help. After all, she hadn't been out in almost 5 days.

She went out of the room and decided to walk aimlessly through the street… She wasn't going to think at all. Thinking wasn't her favorite thing right now, so she was going to go wherever the wind decided to take her.

After what felt like hours of wandering around under the warm morning sun, she started to feel tired and thirsty… she needed to rest. She entered a coffee shop and sat down on one of the benches. Walking around had not only made her thirsty, she was starving. She ordered something to eat and patiently sat there waiting for the waitress to bring her order. This was working… the only thoughts that had gone through her mind during the last 20 minutes were how tired she was only from walking just a little bit… she definitely needed to join a gym or something, but… after all, she hadn't had much sleep during the past few nights… so maybe that had something to do with her being so exhausted.

While she waited desperately for her food, something caught her attention. On the other side of the room, there was this young couple sitting one in front of the other, holding hands and smiling so shyly at each other. You could see by their body languages that they were in love. They were laughing and smiling so cutely… almost as if they had everything they wanted in that moment. They were so unbelievably happy that it seemed they were inside of this little bubble where perfection wasn't a dream… it really existed. Taylor couldn't help but smile at the scene… she didn't know why she started smiling just by staring at a couple of strangers, but she couldn't help it. Then she noticed that the boy reached for his back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, carefully folded and gave it to the girl. At first, the girl had this confused look on her face, but the smile on his seemed to make her brave enough to open the note. The girl sat there for a few moments reading the note and when she was finally done, she rose from her chair and started walking towards, who Taylor assumed was her boyfriend, and kissed him really sweetly and softly. As they pulled away from each other, the girl just smiled at him, and he smiled back… there they were, looking at each other and saying with a look more than words could possibly say.

Witnessing that scene, the boy giving the girl a little note, made Taylor close her eyes and start remembering, and once again… he was there… and she was there too.

_It was a summer day… Taylor had been unpacking all of her stuff in what was now their home. Yes, Taylor and Ryan had finally gotten an apartment and from that moment on, they were living together, under the same roof. She was there, sitting on the floor looking at the bunch of boxes surrounding her and she smiled. It was kind of strange that your whole life could be packed up in boxes and moved from one place to another… She was alone in the apartment. Ryan was downstairs, saying goodbye to his dad who had helped them moving the furniture and some other heavy stuff, because Seth was a whiner and, let's face it, he couldn't handle any heavy lifting.  
She stretched her hand to start unpacking one of the boxes that said: "Taylor's life". Once she opened the lid of the box, inside she found exactly what the box label said… her entire life. The box contained an incredible amount of scrapbooks she had done over the course of her life, a bunch of photo albums, her favorite books, her Sorbonne sweatshirt and a lot of other small details that for some reason were valuable to her. She reached out for a photo album and started looking at the pictures. She stumbled with a picture Kirsten had taken with her camera phone while Ryan was dancing with her at Sandy's benefit all those years back. She was wearing the legendary red dress that had swept Ryan over his feet when he first saw her that night, and Ryan was wearing the classic, but beautiful blue shirt that made his eyes stand out. They were smiling and laughing and having a great time._

_Taylor couldn't help but giggle. It was funny to know how far they had gone… Back then, Ryan didn't even see her as a potential girlfriend, and she only had what seemed to be an unreasonable crush on him due to the fact that he had saved her from a loveless marriage. Neither had imagined that fate had in store for them this unique and powerful feeling. Neither of them had thought they would fall in love and they couldn't possible foresee that that love was going to take away all of their fears and make them jump into the adventure of living together. _

_She closed off the photo album and continued pulling out stuff from the box. The next thing she pulled out was the book of translated poems he had made for her birthday back then… she opened it and a note fell from inside the book… She took the note into her hands with a smile, knowing exactly what that paper said and she started reading out loud:_

"A sonnet, I don't know how to write.

A haiku, 5-7-5 seems too tight.

Three little words I'm not able to say,

But Taylor, this is what I can tell you today:

Though I can't say those words to you tonight

Please stick with me, 'cause I feel someday I might."

_Now, she was smiling like she hadn't smiled before. She knew how scared he was to give that to her… after all she had to take it from his hands to read it. It was funny to think he wasn't able to say those words back then, and now… he said it everyday… in the most perfect moments. He kept his promise…he was finally able to say it and she knew he meant it only by looking at his face._

"You still have that?",_ Ryan asked, leaning in the front door frame._

"How long have you been standing there?" _She wondered, turning around to see him looking down to her with the most honest eyes in the whole world._

"Long enough to see that you're getting nostalgic", _he said still standing there without taking his eyes off of her smile._

"I'm not getting nostalgic!" _She said with a perky voice trying to hide that she was indeed feeling a little bit nostalgic._

_Ryan looked at her and raised an eyebrow as he started walking closer to where she was sitting._

"Ok maybe I am", _she said with a defeated tone in her voice, letting him know that he was right, while raising her hands, taking his and pulling him back down with her on the floor. _"But… it's not a weird nostalgic, it's a happy nostalgic."

"Oh really?"_ he asked sitting down on the floor, pulling her in between his legs, hugging her back and intertwining his fingers with hers. _"So you're not freaking out or anything?"

"Are you sure you're not the one freaking out a little?" _She said leaning her head back on his shoulder and talking to his ear._

"Maybe a little… yeah",_ he said smiling and gently passing his lips through her cheeks _"But… it's a good freak out a think…"

"What do you mean?" _She wondered with this intrigued voice giving him a kiss on his jaw line._

"Well, it's kinda the same feeling I had when I was reading that poem in the bookstore back then" ,_he said pointing at the paper she had in her lap. _"I was freaking out even while writing it… but everything turned out right for us… it was a good freak out."

"You were freaking out?"_ she asked trying to pretend she didn't know that, while leaning her head to the side and giving him a half-smile._

"Oh… Taylor",_ he said smiling at her and whispering in her ear. _"You already know that… so don't pretend you don't."

"Alright, alright",_ she said again knowing that he had seen through to her. _"I did know that… but just relax… we're going to be ok… we've been through a lot together and we can handle this…"

"You're right… you're always right", _he said as he gave her a kiss on the neck and squeezed her hand in his. _"After all… I was scared back then writing that, and I got scared too just thinking about telling you _I love you…_ You moved way too fast for me… I've always been a slow guy… and let's face it, you're kinda crazy."

"What?!" _she said with a smile on her face and turning her upper body to look at his eyes. _"Did you just say I'm crazy?"

"Aha…",_ he said smiling sexily at her and pulling back from her a little… _"I think I did."

"Oh… Ryan….", _she said with this sexy voice while shifting her body completely. She was now facing him and pulling him to the floor. _"You better take that back!"

"Uh-uh",_ he said smiling at her while shaking his head as a sign he wasn't going to. _"You're crazy… I can't deny that."  
_He was now laying on his back in the cold floor and she pulled back. She sat on the floor looking at him smiling_

"Ok… so that's what you think of me?" _she asked, looking at him cutely while raising her eyebrows pretending she was mad…_

"Oh… don't look at me like that! You're crazy! But…",_ he said while putting his hand on her waist and pulling her down closer to him so her lips were practically touching his. _"That's one of the many… many… many reasons why I love you."

_He kissed her slowly and passionately at the same time, and as she felt his lips on hers, she felt like he had won her over once again…just by saying for the millionth time those three little words he hadn't been able to say in the past._

Taylor once again opened her eyes and held her breath. That was the last time she remembered him saying something similar to what he had said 4 nights ago: _"That's why I love you"_. She started to breathe heavily and she needed to get out of there. She'd never thought one of the smallest things in life, such as watching a couple in love at a coffee shop, would produce her to be so emotional, let alone remind her about Ryan. Remembering that chapter of her life when she'd been about to share everything with the man she had loved more than anyone, had made her start to shake like a leaf. _"Ok… that's it... I can't do this alone anymore!" _She thought to herself and headed out of the coffee store. She had tried for almost 5 days to ignore Ryan's words and the effects they were producing in her but… she couldn't do that anymore. It was time to deal with it, and she needed to do that with her best friend by her side.  
As she headed over to Summer and Seth's, she couldn't help to feel angry… she couldn't help to think that Ryan was selfish by saying that to her now that he didn't have the right to bounce back into her life, the night her boyfriend had gone to France mad at her… she didn't even know what was the state of that relationship! She hadn't had time to think about it because she was too busy trying not to think about what Ryan had said and what it had meant to her…  
She was finally in the doorway of Summer's house and she was a little surprised to see she was going out…

_"Hey… Taylor",_ Summer said while locking the house door behind them. _"What brings you here?"_

_"I need to talk to you",_ she said really quickly and desperate…

_"Ok… I'm heading off for a job interview… you know? I really thought I was going to get a decent job faster; after all global warming is universal right? Anyway, I'm kinda running late… can this wait?"_ Summer said trying to walk forward, but Taylor wasn't moving, she was practically glued to the floor…

_"Ryan told me he loved me…",_ Taylor said again really quickly and breathing faster… she just couldn't hold it back anymore.

_"I guess not…",_ Summer said putting the key back in the lock _"What?! Oh My God... I mean… how? When?..."_

_"The night of Sophie's birthday party…",_ Taylor said while Summer opened the door and they both got into the house.

_"Oh… that was like 5 days ago…",_ Summer said with this strange look in her eyes almost as if she couldn't believe it had taken Taylor that long to react. _"Oh My God! So that's why Matt snapped! He heard Ryan saying it!"_

_"No, no, no…",_ Taylor said while Summer sat down on the couch and she continued to pace around the living room uncontrollably. _"It happened after Matt left. He was leaving and he sat down with me on the porch. We started talking and laughing and then…"_ Taylor stopped talking and while she remembered the moment she just looked down on the floor and smiled a little…

_"Then what?" _Summer asked, anxious to hear what was left of the story, but also noticing Taylor's smile.

_"Well…",_ she said snapping out of her little memory. _"He gave me a kiss on the cheek… he started to walk away to his car and then he said it!",_ she finished while throwing her hands in the air, Summer noticing now, that she was kinda mad.

_"Ok…"_ Summer said, now really confused. One moment she was smiling at the thought of Ryan and now, she was upset. _"And that makes you uncomfortable because…?"_

_"Summer! Don't you get it?"_ she said still not staying in the same place in the living room. _"He doesn't have the right to do that! He doesn't get to tell me he loves me NOW!"_

_"Taylor…",_ Summer said noticing that she was getting angrier and angrier by the second. _"Just calm down ok?"_

_"No! I'm not calming down!"_ she said throwing her hands in the air again and with this angry look in her eyes Summer had never seen in her life. _"He doesn't get to bounce back in to my life, the moment things get bad with my boyfriend… although I don't know if we're together anymore, I think we are, but still! I was getting back on my feet again, I was finally moving on… Summer I was happy!"_

_"Ok… Taylor!"_ Summer said standing up from the couch and raising her voice. _"Do you really think you were happy? Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me, your best friend, me!, the one that has helped you so many times in the past, that you were happy?!"_

_"Well…",_ she hesitated a little but then said yelling again. _"Yes! I was! My career was starting well… I had Matt!"_

_"You've got to be kidding me…!"_ Summer said rolling her eyes and raising her voice. _"Taylor, have you told the man you love him? Have you? Look inside you… There's only one man you ever fell in love with and his name's not Matt!"_

Taylor finally stopped walking around the room and stayed in one place. The combination of Summer's words and the tone she was using while saying them, shocked Taylor. It was like Summer was finally saying something that she'd had inside her for quite a while now. Those words made her go back to the day she first arrived in Berkeley and Summer had asked her if she was happy… that day, she hadn't been able to answer right away because a little part of her wasn't sure of her 'so called happiness'.

_"No Summer…!",_ she said still stunned but trying to ignore Summer word's and trying to hide it behind her anger. _"Ryan still doesn't have the right to do that after all this time! Almost two years passed by Summer! Almost two years when I didn't know anything about him…!"_

As Taylor started remembering that… all that time she had spent in France alone, before she started dating Matt, she remembered the pain and the agony of having failed in the one relationship she hadn't wanted to fail. She started remembering how she secretly wanted him to appear at her front door, telling her those three words… those three little words! She started remembering how sour and bitter the days had gone by and he hadn't showed up… She remembered the exact moment when she had lost all hope… because that was the moment that she agreed to go on a date with Matt…

_"I was here, Summer…",_ she said a little more calmed as her voice started breaking, but the mix of anger and hurt she was feeling wasn't letting her cry. _"I was here… he had me here. I never left his side no matter how bad things got between us… I never even thought of leaving him, because I loved him… but he stopped loving me. For some reason I'm never going to understand, he just… stopped. He let go. He saw me walking out the door that night… knowing how hurt I was and he just let go…he didn't do anything! And all of the sudden now that he sees me he's all: Oh… Taylor, by the way… I love you? Things just don't work that way! He doesn't have the right to do that with me… Not now!" _

_"Ok that's it!",_ Summer said taking Taylor by the shoulders and sitting her down on the couch. She just couldn't take it anymore! Hearing her best friend say how Ryan had 'stopped' loving her, how he 'hadn't done anything' and that he was now 'all of the sudden' in love with her again made her angry. She knew, probably better than Seth, that all those things weren't true. Ryan had never stopped loving her… he never had… that was the truth and now Taylor needed to hear it. And to hell with the promise she'd made Ryan! In fact, that promise was one of the reasons things were like this! _"I'm getting tired of this!"_

"_Oh great!"_ Taylor said sarcastically _"Now, my best friend's getting tired of hearing my wrath!"_

_"Do NOT mess with me right now Taylor!"_ she said raising one finger and looking down at her. _"I'm at the edge of a rage blackout and I may very well start punching you, so just shut up and listen to me!"_

_"What?"_ Taylor said almost not feeling threatened my Summer's rage and rising from the couch. _"What could you possibly tell me that might calm me down? And If you wanna start punching me Summer, just go ahead...!"_

_"Believe me I have a lot to tell you"_ Summer said realizing that Taylor was really mad right now and that surprisingly wasn't scared of what Summer might do to her. _"But you want to be sitting down for this."_  
_  
"Whatever it is..."_ ,she said raising her voice again. _"I can take it standing so just spill it out."_

_"Ok Fine!!"_ Summer said yelling at her too without realizing it. _"The day you left for France, Ryan went looking for you at the apartment!"_

As Taylor heard those words she stepped back a little. She certainly hadn't seen that one coming. "_What?!"_ she said lowering her voice a little. _"What are you talking about?"_

_"And when he realized you weren't there…",_ Summer continued as if she hadn't listen Taylor's question, _"…he came here looking for you…"_

_"Summer, what are you talking about?"_ Taylor kept insisting.

_"And when I told him you were going to France…",_ Summer kept saying. _"He went looking for you at the airport."_

_"Oh My God…",_ Taylor said whispering as she slowly started sitting on the couch. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She'd spent all that time in France telling herself that it was definitely over, that she needed to go on. It was thinking that Ryan hadn't done anything to win her back that had made it a lot easier. But she'd just found out that it hadn't been true. She was about to start hyperventilating when her mind just hit a question… the one Summer didn't want to hear. _"Why didn't you tell me this before?"_

_"Because he made me promise not to tell you",_ Summer said leaning her head down and taking a seat next to Taylor. _"Look, Taylor I'm sorry… I was dying to tell you. He was convinced that you were going to be better off without him. He was so devastated! If only you could've seen how miserable he was without you… I was about to tell you like a thousand times but… I couldn't betray him…"_

_"WHAT?!" _Taylor said once again standing from the couch looking extremely mad again… even madder than before. _"What about betraying me? You should've told me that… he should've asked silence from Seth… not from you!"_

_"Actually…",_ she said leaning her head down for a moment. _"Seth knows and he also promised not to tell."_

_"Ok… let me get this straight…",_ Taylor said wrinkling her frown and looking at Summer while raising her hand. _"So, you two… my best friends, kept this hidden from me for almost two years?! I can't believe this! I deserved to know, Summer… I… I almost married him… You should've told me that! From Seth I can understand it, but from you? I just… I just can't believe this…",_ she said as she started heading to the door.

_"Taylor…! Taylor, come back here!",_ Summer said while running after her before she reached the door. _"I'm sorry… You have to believe me when I tell you I'm soo sorry…"_

_"It doesn't matter, Summer…",_ Taylor said turning around to face her.She couldn't believe her best friend, who knew how devastated she'd been all those months alone in France, had had the chance to save her from all that pain and misery, but she never did it. But somehow, she wasn't entirely mad at her. Although she was mad at Summer for not telling her… her rage was directed to someone else. _"This is not entirely your fault. If you wanna make this up to me, give me your car keys."_

_"Wait… where are you going?" _Summer asked while handing the car keys to her.

Taylor looked at her, her eyes sparkling from rage; with the keys in her hand, and without even looking at Summer, she headed to the car and simply shouted: _"I'm going to talk to HIM… he's got some explaining to do."_


	12. Long Time Coming

**Author's note:** Hello guys! Well... Again, thanks for the reviews in the last chapter... they really made my day. Hope you like this one as well... I know the chapters I've been writing lately are kinda long... but this one's a little shorter. Hope you still like it anyways. As always, leave your reviews... Cuz I really really really love to read them! Anyways... here it goes. Sharon

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Chapter 12

Taylor was now driving Summer's car. She was a mess right now. She'd been driving around in circles trying to calm down before she went to Ryan's apartment but… so far, it wasn't working. She'd been driving for a really long time and it was almost night now. She was a wreck of nerves and emotions… not a human being. She didn't know what was going on inside her, but she knew one thing… she was so confused. She couldn't believe that Summer had told her about Ryan going to look for her at the apartment the day she moved out, and she definitely couldn't believe about him going like a maniac to look for her at Seth and Summer's. But what had impressed her most was that he'd gone to the airport looking for her. She couldn't believe that, after noticing she was gone, he'd been so crushed and mad at himself that he'd actually thought he wasn't worthy of her. He had decided that she deserved happiness… and that happiness, he'd thought, was in France. You would think that knowing that would make her feel happy, that by knowing that, she would immediately forgive him, but now, she was even angrier at him. And the one thing she needed from him was an explanation. At least that was what she was telling herself… but what she really wanted was a chance to get all the rage out of her system, and she needed to do it directly with him.

She couldn't believe she was there. After almost two years, she was back in that place where life had a hand full of promises when she'd moved in, and had had a hand full of sorrows when she'd moved out. She came out of the car and took a big breath before going in. Someone was leaving the building and she took the opportunity to enter. She found herself walking the stairs step by step, it seemed like with every step she was getting angrier and angrier… until she finally found herself outside his front door.

She knocked on the door as hard as she could until he finally opened it.

_"Taylor…",_ he said, stunned and confused looking at her there, standing looking at the floor. _"What are you…-"_

_"I talked to Summer…",_ she said interrupting him with this faked indifferent tone in her voice.

Ryan knew what this was about… Taylor already knew everything. The show was about to begin.

_"You wanna come in?"_ he offered as he opened the door so she could pass through.

They both kept silence for a while, both not sure where to start, but, as usual, Taylor was the one who started talking.  
_"Who do you think you are Ryan?"_ she said standing there, facing him with her arms crossed. _"You think you can come back to my life… NOW?"_

Ryan stood there confused for a second. If she'd already talked to Summer, then she knew about him going to the airport to stop her from leaving. Yet, she was acting like he hadn't given a damn about her during all that time… He wrinkled his frown and kept looking at her confused.

_"Yes Ryan…"_ she said angry and almost bragging about the fact she knew what he was thinking _"Summer told me about you coming here to find me the day I left, and she also told me about you going to the airport… did you honestly think that by only knowing that I would forget what happened between us?!"_

Whoa… Something was not right here. Taylor started to raise her voice to him… she was letting all her rage come out…

_"No!",_ he said instinctively not noticing that he was raising his voice too. _"That's one of the reasons why I made them promise not to tell you anything…"_

_"Then why Ryan?!"_ she said now throwing her hands in the air and yelling at him. _"If you really didn't want me to know that, why did you tell me you love me now?!"_

_"Because I realized you still love me too…",_ he said with a calm tone in his voice, almost as if he was sure, completely sure that she was indeed in love with him.

She stood there for a fraction of a second looking shocked at what he'd just said, but before she could let herself think about it, her rage and pride kicked in.

"_Ha! You've grown confident since I've been in Paris!", _she said still talking louder than him, and now putting one of her arms in her hips. _"Now… let me tell you something Mr. Know-it-all…",_ she said while taking a step closer to him and towards the door. _"If you don't remember… I have a boyfriend… and his name's Matt."_

She didn't even know why she'd said that. She hadn't thought about him in the last couple of days, she hadn't even called him! But she wasn't going to let Ryan win this… After breaking up with him, she'd become a really proud woman… she'd learned not to feel hurt, she'd learned that feeling mad when you're supposed to be hurt can help you make the burden a little easier…but, she also knew that being mad only helps for a moment and she just couldn't let herself feel hurt about remembering their break up again, it was just too painful. So, before her mask could come off, she headed to the door.

_"No, no, no. Now wait a minute!"_ Ryan said placing himself between the door and her. He knew the game she was playing. _"Your mouth may be saying that, but that's not what you feel."_

_"Since when are you able to know what I feel...?!"_ she said not moving an inch from where she was. She was unbelievably close to him now, and even though the door was only a step away from her, and she could open it easily… she just didn't move.

_"I've always been able to know that and you know it Taylor…",_ he said noticing how close they were. He spoke so tenderly almost as if he was trying to make her heart listen to what he was saying.

_"Matt's good at doing that too…"_ she said at his ear with a challenging whisper that cut deep into his heart. Quite frankly, it stung a little in hers too.

He started looking at the floor for a moment because he couldn't look at her eyes while he heard her say that… it just made his blood heat up… and it started to increase in temperature as he heard her continue: _"He was there for me when you weren't… he loves me more than anything in the world and not for a minute would he put me on the last place on his priority list… he helped me heal from all the wounds you caused me. Two years passed, your chance's gone. You wanted me to move on? You wanted me to be happy? Then I'm happy Ryan… and I'm not happy with you…"_

Ok… this was the last drop… Ryan was pissed off now. Hearing her saying that made him angry, not only because those words hurt, but because he knew that those last words she'd said were far from true. She was only trying to protect herself from being hurt again, but he needed to make her realize that spite all those bad moments they'd shared, and spite the big pride she had now, she still loved him no matter how much she tried to hide it.

"_Then why aren't you back in France??!!"_ he said yelling at her still not moving from where he was standing. _"If you're so happy and so in love as you wanna make it seem, then why didn't you go after him that night?! Why did you stay there with me Taylor…?! Why didn't you tell him about us?!"_  
_  
_She stayed there looking at him and she swallowed hard. She didn't know what to answer… as she heard him yelling at her she remembered all those times in the past when he'd become a monster and begun saying things that always made her heart break into pieces… pieces that she was never sure she'd managed to glue back together completely. She knew that the only person with the power to make all those pieces fall back into place, was the same person that had broken her heart in the first place… but a mixture between her pride and how hurtful it was to hear him screaming at her like that again wasn't letting her open up. She wasn't sure of the moment when her eyes began filling up with tears, and she certainly didn't realize the exact moment when they started falling down her face… She just couldn't take it… she needed to take the opportunity and get out of there as soon as possible. So she reached for the door knob and took a step closer now being even more close to Ryan's face and all she could mumble in between her tears was: _"Ryan… please let me go…"_

Ryan noticed that, him screaming around wasn't the best way for her to come to her senses, and he certainly wasn't letting her know he loved her by doing it. He was all coiled up inside just by seeing the tears fall down her face and not sure about holding her yet… he started whispering in her ear: _"If you love him… then why did you feel weird at the thought that I was avoiding you…? Why did you let me kiss your cheek that night without moving one inch? Why do you look like you've gone crazy and haven't slept in days thinking about it? Why did you go to Summer for answers? Why did you come here…? Why are you crying from only hearing me scream when you heard him scream too in front of everybody and a tear never fell from your face…?"_

Taylor let go of the door knob and started looking at the floor… she closed her eyes for a moment… she didn't know what to say. Almost all the things he was saying, she had done them without even realizing it. But the one that impressed her most was that he'd seen why she hadn't felt sad the night of Sophie's birthday party. She'd never stopped herself to think about why she hadn't cried once Matt was out of the house that night… but Ryan had seen in her reactions even more than what she knew about them herself.

_"If you don't feel anything for me Taylor…",_ he continued still whispering in her ear in the most delicate and special way. He had whispered things in her ear before but… not like this. It was like he was pouring his soul into his words. _"Then why haven't you moved from where you're standing? Why does the feeling of having me so close to you, make you breathe faster and harder? Don't tell me I ran out of time when, while I'm whispering this to you… you're holding your breath and closing your eyes." _He stopped talking as he put a strand of loose hair behind her ear and started looking for her eyes…

Taylor kept her eyes shut and she exhaled… hearing him whispering all those things made her heart skip a beat. Deep down inside her she knew he was right…. And she loved that he was right. So she opened her eyes and looked at him, still with a tender and sad expression on her face from the tears she'd cried. It was like she was telling him with that look that it was ok for him to keep going. But there weren't words left to say. A deep silence lingered in the air, a silence that had been filled with the words that had already been said. It wasn't time for words anymore. It was time for actions. So Ryan finally leaned in… in slow motion, giving her the time to back out if she wanted to, but once again she didn't move.

He put a hand on her cheek and he felt how she pressed her face against it, as if wanting to hold on to the feeling of his skin on hers. That gave him a lot more courage to get closer to those lips he'd learned to love. When his lips finally pressed hers, he finally felt what she'd felt the first time they ever kissed: Everything just popped into Technicolor. It was like without her, he was going through life totally unaware of what was around him, and now, he had again a new purpose. Savoring those lips was exactly like he remembered: warm and sweet.

As she kissed him back, Taylor placed her hand in his wrist while he kept cupping her face. This was the most emotional kiss they'd ever shared. The longing of that time away from each other made this kiss sweet and intense. She kept kissing him, not even stopping to get some air, and soon, her hands were traveling all the way through his arms to his shoulders and around his back. He had his hands now on her waist, and they kept kissing each other, the kiss remaining sweet but at the same time so passionate because of how intense the feeling was of being in each other's arms.

Ryan gently pushed her against the wall and began passing his fingers in her hair. This felt right. Finally he had her in his arms and was kissing her; definitely knowing by the way she was kissing him that she loved him back. Everything was finally falling into place or that was what he thought, when he felt her pulling back from the kiss.

Taylor looked at his eyes, and for the first time, Ryan felt she was unreadable. For the longest time he'd been able to tell what she was thinking by looking at those eyes, but he found himself feeling confused because for some reason he wasn't able to.

She was still holding him tightly which made him even more confused when he heard her say: _"Ryan, I can't do this… not like this…"_ And before he knew it, she had pushed him away a little and turn to the door and left.

He felt like he was traveling back in time. He was in the same place where she'd left him two years ago and once again she was leaving. He also remembered his mistake that night: not going after her. And now, that he knew for sure that she still loved him from the way that she'd kissed him, he wasn't going to make the same mistake again. So he ran down the stairs calling her name, but she was nowhere to be found. He even stayed out there for ten minutes waiting for her to reappear, but she didn't.

Taylor stayed there hiding behind a wall seeing him there confused and lonely. It was there, looking at him desperate to find her that she realized that he did love her during all that time and that she still loved him too…

Seeing him going back to the apartment looking defeated after not finding her, made her heart sink in sorrow… but she knew they weren't ready to begin again, and whenever they were indeed ready to start something again, she wanted it to be perfect; what they both deserved because of the long and eventful journey they'd gone through. She wanted everything to be about just the two of them, about the magic feeling they shared, never having to stop because of any complications. She wanted it to be the beginning of forever… and right now, they weren't ready for forever, at least she wasn't.  
All she could hope now, was hope that he'd wait for her… and she was almost certain that he would.


	13. Whiter Shade Of Pale

**Author's Note: Hey guys! First of all... thank you so much for the reviews in the last chapter, I hope you enjoy this one as well. I wanted all of you to know that the end of the story is coming! I don't know exactly how many chapters is going to take me, but we are near the end.. so if you have any ideas of what you would like to see in the story, any suggestions that you wanna tell me... please do! **

**On a different note... I wanted all of you to know that you wouldn't be reading this story here on FF, if it wasn't for my dear and lovely friend Sandra (Samala90), you all RT fans in here know her for her stories "When They Met Again" and "Life in Berkeley", which is in-progress right now; (If you haven't read the stories, please do! She's like the best writer EVER!). Before I do an update, she checks the story to see if there are any mistakes and if she finds any, she corrects them. She's been doing that since chapter one! So... Sandra, I love you! you know that. Thanks for helping me out, not only on my writing, but with my life as well... In the short period of time we have knowing each other, you've been one of the best friends I could've possibly asked for. You've certainly been an inspiration... Thanks for believing in me. None of this could've been possible without you!**

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**Chapter 13**

Ryan was there sitting in at the bar, his eyes lost in the glass of scotch in front of him. He was lost in his own thoughts once again. Being there, in that club with the loud music surrounding him, or with the tons of tons of people moving around back and forth, didn't seem to distract him enough to keep him from thinking of his life experiences over the last few days.

He was lost, not only because of his thoughts were hunting him… but because he was experiencing how hard it is to feel something slip right through your hands not even understanding the reason.  
Fours days had gone by… four. It'd been four days since he'd been able to see the wish he'd been longing for the last two years to happen: Kissing Taylor again. To feel her swooning in his arms knowing they were meant to be.

Four days ago he'd thought everything was going to be ok again… he'd felt something he hadn't felt in a really long time, he'd felt that night while running his fingers through her hair that his life had a purpose. Everything seemed to click. Every lost piece of the puzzle had fallen into place because she was accepting his kiss. He'd felt she wanted him that night just as much as he wanted her. But all of the sudden, without any explanations she'd just… left.

He'd gone down the stairs looking for her, but she was out of sight. After a while of waiting for her without results, he'd gone back to the apartment totally confused, not knowing what the hell had gone wrong. One moment she was kissing him deeply, and the other she wasn't.

He hadn't been able to sleep much that night… he'd only slept for short periods of time and he'd managed to do that by remembering that kiss. Reliving it was the only thing that made him calm and brought peace to him, but whenever he got to the part where she was out the door, he always woke up. That resulted in him practically not sleeping and thinking about what could've possibly gone through her mind in that moment. One thing he knew for sure: she wasn't scared, that wasn't the reason why she'd left. In fact, for the first time he'd seen her since her arrival in Berkeley, she seemed like she had it all together… like she'd finally made up her mind, which was what was scaring him.

He managed to convince himself that she _was _scared. That she'd gone back to her hotel room totally freaking out about the kiss. After all, she had freaked out because of a small kiss on the cheek, it wasn't so impossible for her to be freaking out about this… right?

The next morning, when he'd realized it was about the time Taylor woke up when she wasn't working, he'd gone to her hotel room looking for her. He'd needed to reassure her that he wasn't going to hurt her, that he loved her possibly even more than his own life and that they could be happy again. He'd knocked on the door once… twice… but without any results. That was weird. Taylor always heard when someone knocked on the door, even if she was in the shower, so he came to the conclusion that she'd gone out early.

He'd waited for her in the lobby for 20 minutes and then not being able to control his urge to talk to her, he'd asked the receptionist for her, and he'd heard something that made him travel back to the past again: _"Miss Townsend checked out this morning… she said something about needing to catch an early flight headed for Paris…"_

_"I'm sorry… what?",_ had been Ryan's immediate response.

_"Yeah… she seemed to be in quite a hurry to be in Paris", _the receptionist had said with a wide smile.

Ryan had shook his head a little totally thinking this wasn't happening. This had to be a really bad joke! Immediately he'd realized he didn't have time for the denial and he'd asked with a touch of desperation in his voice: _"What time did she leave?"_

_"She left pretty early, the sun wasn't even up yet. She must've had a ticket for the first flight for Paris today. Are you a friend of hers?"_

Ryan had stood there shocked at the words the receptionist said and that was the moment the lost look in his eyes had started to show. He'd gone back in time… he'd been feeling the same feeling he'd felt sitting in that airport chair while seeing that plane lift up the ground. The only difference was that back then he'd known that he hadn't done everything in his power to win her back; it was his fault back then. But there he'd been now, barely standing in a hotel lobby after two years and it'd ended up the same way: with her on her way to France.

He'd snapped for a moment and he'd answered: _"Yeah…"_

_"Good", _the receptionist had said again smiling at Ryan _"She mentioned leaving a car in the garage… we were supposed to be delivering it to a certain address she left… here. Are you Seth Cohen? You obviously aren't Summer Cohen."_

_"No…",_ Ryan had said almost whispering. _"I'm his brother actually…"_

_"Oh…",_ the receptionist had said. _"Well… there's no one else in the list so… We'll have to deliver the car ourselves. Can I help you with anything else?",_ the receptionist had asked, noticing that Ryan's mind was somewhere else.

_"No… no…",_ he'd said as he shook his head softly. _"Its ok… thanks."_

He'd always wondered what would've happened if he'd caught her two years ago, if he would've had the chance to kiss her at the airport, if she would've left… He couldn't help but to think he'd gotten his answer now. He'd kissed her the night before, he'd gone down the stairs yelling her name… he'd even gone to the hotel looking for her… and she'd still ended up leaving. Suddenly he'd realized that she wasn't scared… no… she hadn't left because she was scared. She'd left because she'd made a choice… and her choice was Matt.

He hadn't been ready to believe that just yet. First he'd needed to make a phone call, and depending on how that phone call went, he'd know if she had chosen Matt after all.

_"Hey man",_ Seth had said once the phone call came through. _"How're you doing?"_

_"Good. Look…",_ Ryan had said coldly. _"I normally don't do this… but, is your wife around?"_

_"Whoa…",_ Seth said sarcastically. _"What are you doing calling Summer to my cell?"_

_"Your cell is the first number on speed dial", _Ryan had said talking a little faster than normal. _"Is she there?"_

_"Aw Ryan…",_ Seth had said with a corny voice pretending to be touched. _"I'm the first one on your speed dial!"_

_"Seth… I don't have time for this",_ Ryan had said while getting a little mad. _"Is Summer around or not?"_

_"Dude… you're scaring me",_ Seth had said, realizing that something was wrong. _"But I better hand you out to her… you two have strong tempers so you understand each other… hang on."_

_"Thanks",_ Ryan'd said still coldly and with a hint of anger in his voice. _"Glad you're listening to me for once."_

While waiting for Summer to get the phone… he'd started getting annoyed because he'd really needed to know what was Taylor's position over all of this and it had seemed to him that Summer had been taking a lot of time to pick the damn phone. After what felt like hours, he'd finally heard Summer's voice on the other end of the line.

_"Summer here…",_ Summer had said sounding perky.

_"Have you heard from Taylor?", _Ryan had wondered not being able to control his need to know about her.

_"Hello to you too Atwood",_ Summer had said a little surprised and annoyed.

_"Sorry… hi Cohen",_ he'd said realizing that he needed to control his emotions.

_"Don't call me that!",_ Summer had said with an anxious voice now._ "I've told you a thousand times the 'last name' thing we've got going on only works with Roberts. When you call me Cohen… makes me think that you're talking to Seth. But, I'll let it pass this time because Seth told me you really needed to talk to me… so, what's up?"_

_"I need you to help me out here… Have you heard from Taylor?" _Ryan'd asked with a sigh.

_"Don't I always help you?",_ she'd said with a sigh too._ "__The__ last time I talked to her was yesterday… She took it out on me for keeping the 'you're-madly-in-love-with-her' secret from her. She was heading your way… with my car now that I remember it",_ she'd said surprised that Ryan was asking about her.

_"So… you haven't heard anything from her?",_ Ryan'd said with a preoccupied tone in his voice. _"She didn't tell you she went to France today?"_

_"What…?",_ Summer had said surprised. _"No! I didn't know anything about it! Like I said the last thing I knew was that she was going to see you…"_

_"Well, she did",_ Ryan'd said trying to remain cool. _"One second things were going good and the next one… everything just went awry."_

_"And how do you know she left?"._ Summer had asked anxiously on the phone.

_"I just got out of the hotel. The receptionist told me… I just can't believe you haven't talked to her",_ Ryan had said slowly coming to the conclusion he feared the most.

_"I'm going to kill her!"_ Summer had said practically yelling on the phone. _"How could she leave without telling me? Sure, she was mad at me… but still… leaving for France beats hiding a secret right? Oh My God! Where's my car? Ryan, please tell me you have my car!" _

_"No, I don't have it…" _Ryan had said with he's voice sounding like a distant sound. _"But the hotel has it… they're going to deliver it to you…"_

_"Thank God! Oh My God! I'm sorry",_ Summer had said realizing that the car must've been the last thought Ryan had on his mind. _"Here I am worrying about my car without realizing that you need someone to talk to…"_

_"See?"_ Ryan had said trying to lighten the mood. He didn't want Summer or Seth, once he found out about this, to feel sorry for him. _"You're a Cohen after all."_

_"Seriously… I'm sorry",_ Summer had said noticing that he wasn't ok. _"You wanna come over and talk to Seth at least?"_

_"No… it's ok",_ Ryan'd said doing his best to sound ok. _"Don't worry… I just… I'm ok."_

_"Not that I bought that for a second…", _Summer had said. _"But if you wanna be alone right now… it's ok too."_

_"Yeah…"_ Ryan'd said without giving it a second thought. _"I'll do that… Bye Summer."_

The minute he'd hung up the phone, he'd realized what he was hoping wouldn't be true: She'd chosen Matt. What other reason could it be for her not to tell Summer about it? If it would've been something regarding the magazine, she would've told Summer, but she knew Summer wouldn't approve of her going back to France to be with Matt, so it seemed logical for her not to say anything. That was the moment Ryan became a victim of time.

The next couple of days were just kind of a blur. Sure, he'd gone out to work… but the whole time it had seemed like he was in automatic pilot mode… he was lost. There wasn't any other way to describe it. He'd lost her once more, but what hurt the most was that this time, there was no place for _"what if". _Everything he would've changed the last time she'd gone to France… he'd changed it this time. And she'd still left.  
The kiss they'd shared was hunting him… and what kept coming back to his mind was the thought of knowing it'd meant nothing to her.

So now he was there… looking at a glass of Scotch thinking of the one that had gotten away. He didn't know why he'd ordered it… he'd always been a beer kinda guy, Taylor always told him that. She knew him perfectly; maybe even more than he wanted. She was made for him… and he couldn't understand how she couldn't see it. He wasn't a romantic guy… if this would've happened with any other girl of his past; he would've gotten over it the first time she left. But this wasn't a girl, this was THE girl and it made him sad and hurt to know that she hadn't thought he was THE boy for her… at least not anymore.

He was there staring at the glass when he heard the familiar voice of someone who was leaning at the bar next to him, smiling and looking for his eyes: _"Look what I just caught here… Ryan Atwood!"_

Ryan looked at the girl from her feet to her head. She was wearing high heels and they looked great on her long, tanned legs. She was wearing a denim mini-skirt and a white, fancy, low cleavage top. She wore her long brown hair down. Her deep green eyes were looking at him and when she noticed he didn't say anything she just smiled and said: _"So you don't remember me? Oh My God!"_

_"Ashleigh!",_ Ryan said snapping a little and rising from his sit to hug her. _"Good to see you."_

_"For a moment there I thought you didn't remember me!"_ she said before he pulled back from the hug.

_"How could I forget you!",_ Ryan said smiling at her.

It was good to see someone who didn't know about all of his personal baggage in that moment. Ashleigh was an old college friend. She was the first person he'd met in his freshman year and they'd been good friends. Ashleigh was a crazy girl, not Taylor-kinda-crazy though. She was always partying and having lots of fun. She liked to believe in "seizing the day"… and she thought back then that that was to have as much as fun as possible without measuring consequences before they all got to experience the real world. She'd always been trying for Ryan to go into that kinda stuff with her, but Ryan was more of a broody boy… and whenever he hadn't been studying, he'd been hanging out with Taylor so he hadn't attended that much parties while in Berkeley.

Ashleigh and Ryan didn't have a lot in common other than the fact that Ryan always got her out of trouble, like giving her a ride home late at night when she'd had too much to drink, or listening to her whenever she broke up with a boyfriend. Ashleigh had helped Ryan numerous times too, maybe not with stuff like that, but she'd definitely made his days a lot more interesting. Ashleigh was a really nice girl with whom he could have a great conversation… and he cared for her a lot. He'd always had a tendency of helping out girls like her and he always saw her like a sister to take care of. On the other hand, Taylor wasn't a big fan of Ashleigh. It wasn't that she hated her; it was just that Taylor hadn't liked him saving her. She'd always said that she needed to grow up and start taking responsibilities instead of leaning on Ryan's shoulder whenever things got bad. She'd said that Ryan was supporting her lifestyle and it wasn't going to turn out good for her in the end. Ryan'd always knew Taylor was jealous, but he'd never made a big deal out of it because if he was forced to choose between Ashleigh and her, he'd pick Taylor in a flash… but he also knew that Taylor would never make him choose that.

_"So, how you've been? How's everything going?"_ Ashleigh said with a really happy voice while dancing a little to the beat of the song in the background.

_"I'm doing ok… and you?"_ he said looking at her.

_"I'm doing well too! What are you doing here?"_ she said taking a sit next to him. _"You've never been a club kinda guy… well at least not in college."_

_"Well, I'm here just for pleasure", _he said not knowing what to answer… the truth was he didn't even know what was he doing there.

_"So are you here with that Taylor girl?" _she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice _"The one who hated my guts?"_

_"She didn't hate you…",_ he said smiling a little at her.

_"You're only saying that because the last time I heard something about you…",_ she said smiling at him and touching his hand a little, _"You were marrying her."_

_"How did you hear about that?",_ he asked smiling at her and looking surprised.

_"Well… you're Ryan Atwood! I totally have you under surveillance", _she said while hitting his arm still smiling at him. _"But I heard that a long time ago so I guess you've already married her."_

Ryan sighed… what an irony. Taylor seemed to be everywhere!

"_See?",_ he said while raising his left hand so Ashleigh could see it. _"There's no ring here and I don't think it will soon, so…"_

_"Oh…", _Ashleigh said leaning her head back. _"So that's why you're here."_

_"Oh, come on!",_ he said smiling at her and starting to feel comfortable around her. _"Give me a break! I could totally be here for fun"_

Ashleigh started laughing and when she'd settled down she said: _"Not a chance, baby… not the Ryan Atwood I knew."_

_"When are you gonna stop doing that?",_ he said amused by the way she remembered him.

_"Doing what?"_ she said playing with her long hair trying to pretend she didn't knew what Ryan was talking about.

_"That… calling me 'Ryan Atwood'. Just call me Ryan",_ he said shaking his head.

_"I won't… 'Cause it annoys you, and I was sent to Earth to annoy you Ryan Atwood",_ she said leaning close to him, for a moment teasing him while smiling.

_"You haven't changed at all",_ he said looking straight into her eyes and stopped smiling, but with a tender look in his eyes.

_"Neither have you",_ she said doing the same thing as him: looking straight into his eyes with a tender expression on her face. _"So… what do you say if we get out of here?"_

Ryan looked to the floor and hesitated a little, but he immediately relaxed when he heard her continue: _"Look, you're not having fun here, and the whole point of going to a club to forget someone is to have fun. You saved me countless times… let me save you this time from the annoyance this place causes you…"_

This was the first time in those 4 days when he wasn't thinking about Taylor and her being in Paris. He'd been able to numb the pain… and that was what he'd been hoping for… so he immediately said: _"Ok… let's go."_

_"Are you gonna drink that?",_ Ashleigh asked pointing to the glass of scotch on the counter

Ryan sighed and looked at Ashleigh once more. He looked to the floor and smiled a little while he said: _"No, there's no need to anymore."  
_And they both got out of the club.

They spent the night walking aimlessly and talking about a lot of things. And they were now walking near Ryan's apartment. They were catching up on everything that he had gone through during the missing years. Ryan told her how he'd screwed things up with Taylor, how she'd gone to France and met Matt there, how he'd kissed her 4 days ago and how, spite of that kiss, she'd gone back to France again.

_"Well… it may seem a little weird…",_ she said looking at the floor while they were talking ,_"but I know how you feel. I know how it feels when you lose the only person you think may right your wrongs to someone else."_

_"Well… it sucks",_ he said looking to the floor too, obviously hurting.

_"It does… I just got out of a relationship that ended that way too",_ she said looking to the floor and then at him

_"I'm sorry…",_ he said looking at her feeling probably as sad as him.

_"It's ok… what I need, is to stop feeling sad and just do something about it…"_

_"Well… here's where I live",_ Ryan said showing Ashleigh the building. _"So, I guess this is the end of the evening… it's been great talking to you Ashleigh, I really needed someone to talk to."_

_"No problem…",_ she said smiling at him and taking a seat on the sidewalk. _"It's been my pleasure. But before you go in, would you mind keeping me company while I get a cab?"_

_"No, not at all",_ he said sitting down on the sidewalk with her. _"So who was this guy?"_

_"His name's Tony…",_ she said with a sigh. _"We dated for a year… and we were really good together and I thought he was the one for me… I thought we were meant to be… at least that's what I thought… but he obviously didn't."_

_"I'm sorry… he shouldn't have treated you like that",_ he side putting his hand on her shoulder.

_"It's funny how these things are…", _she said looking at the sky in the stillness of the night. _"I just can't help but feel that everything I thought I knew has kinda gone out the window…",_ she finished saying while standing up.

Ryan immediately stood up too and placed himself in front of her. Those were the words Taylor had told him a long, long time ago. There was something in the way Ashleigh had said that, that had made him feel a cold shiver in his entire body. The moment he started looking in her eyes, he started seeing two beautiful hazel eyes, which was funny considering Ashleigh's were green.

He was seeing Taylor in front of him and he couldn't believe it to be possible. Ashleigh was looking at him too and for some reason there was a connection in the air between them… maybe it was because both of them were feeling vulnerable… although it didn't matter because before she knew it, Ashleigh was leaning in to kiss him.

It all happened so fast but the moment Ashleigh's lips touched his… he realized that… it wasn't Taylor who was kissing him. It didn't have the same passion and the same love they'd shared 4 nights ago… it just wasn't her.

Once he opened his eyes, he looked down on the floor and then up to face her. He was sure that he was now going to start seeing Ashleigh again.

But he didn't. He was seeing Taylor there, standing looking at him, pale, almost looking like a ghost, and with her eyes covered in tears, just like the time when she'd given the ring back to him. She was breathing heavily and she looked to the ground. She squeezed her eyes shut and he saw the sparkle of a tear running through her face. She cleaned it out and started walking away, losing herself in the dark of the night…

It was then that he realized this wasn't a product of his imagination… she'd come back from France and had seen the kiss Ashleigh had given him.


	14. What Lays Behind These Hazel Eyes

Chapter 14

Taylor had held her breath for a longer time than she'd thought possible. She didn't even know how she was able to be standing. It was a cold night, and by being there, the night had turned like the North Pole. Certainly, she hadn't expected this.

Four days ago, when she'd gone out of the building that was in front of her now, and had seen Ryan go after her, she could've sworn that he was going to wait for her. His eyes had said it moments ago when he was listing all the things she'd done to make him realize she still loved him. He'd been sure she loved him; maybe even more so than she'd been during her brief time in Berkeley. She'd tried to deny it but when he'd read her like she was an open book she hadn't been able to handle it anymore and had fallen in love for the millionth time when she'd noticed how much he still knew her.

As strange as it sounds, it was that feeling that had made her strong enough to pull back and go away. She'd had a lot of things to take care of before they could have another chance of happiness, and even though seeing him so broken up was probably one of the hardest things she'd done in her life, she was almost sure that he'd come to realize what she'd meant when she'd said: _"…not like this"._ After all, he knew her enough to figure out what she was feeling only by her reactions… this one hadn't been that hard to figure out… right?

She'd gone back to her hotel room and during the whole ride there, she'd been remembering that kiss… every single second of it had made her smile. She hadn't even realized how much she wanted him until the moment he'd started leaning in. The moment before the kiss had been just as important as the kiss itself, because he'd given her time to pull back just in case she wanted to, but seeing how much of a gentleman he'd been towards her had made her want to kiss him for the rest of her life. But she hadn't been able to do that when she'd had one little thing to take care of.

Once she'd finally been in her hotel room she'd realized that all she wanted was to go back to his arms, to hold on to him and never let him go; she'd missed out on him for so much time already and she certainly hadn't wanted to miss out on more. That's why she hadn't had felt she hadn't had any time to lose. She'd needed to take care of everything as soon as possible. She'd bought a ticket to the next flight for Paris and had started packing up. She'd struggled with whether or not to call Summer but she'd decided against it because, to be honest, she'd still been a little bit mad at her, but the main reason was that she hadn't wanted to jinx it. Everything that had happened with Ryan had been so amazing that she'd wanted to keep it to herself, at least until the moment when they were going to be able to announce to the world that they were a couple again. And after all, she hadn't expected she was going to take that long in Paris. Ryan was going to understand why she'd left and he would explain it to Summer and by the time she'd come back, they would be able to create a future together again.

The next day, she'd gone to Paris and once she'd gotten to her apartment there she'd wondered how the hell she could've thought of that place as her home without having Ryan with her. It had looked so empty and she'd realized what Summer and Ryan had been trying to tell her: she had never really been happy there. Sure, she'd learned a lot from living there, she'd gain a lot of work experience and she was glad she'd done it… but she hadn't even been a fraction of how happy she'd been when things had been good with Ryan. She hadn't had a great job then but everyday had been worth it just to be with him at the end of the night.

She'd started remembering every little happy moment she'd shared with Ryan… it had been like the bad ones hadn't even happened. For every bad moment there had been like 10 good ones and she'd started planning all the good moments ahead of them. She'd wanted to go back to him more than ever… as quickly as possible. Life was short and they'd missed out on so much already that she'd only longed to spend the rest of her days with him to compensate for the lost time. There had been only one stop to make: Break it off with Matt.

As much as she'd wanted to be with Ryan, she wasn't a cheater. She wasn't going to be having an affair with Ryan while she still had a boyfriend. It wouldn't have been fair to Matt and it wouldn't have been fair to Ryan either. It would only have complicated things between them and she'd wanted to start their relationship free of these kinds of problems.

So that afternoon, she'd picked up the phone and had felt ready to dial Matt's number. Her voice had been a little shaky because she'd realized how bad she'd treated him, drawing him to a relationship that subconsciously, she'd have known didn't have a future. The only name carved in her heart was the name of the man she'd loved for her whole life, and even at the distance, had never left her soul: Ryan. So she'd told Matt to meet her in a coffee shop near her apartment….then, there had been no going back.

When she'd gotten to the coffee shop, he'd already been there sitting by a table all by himself with his head in his hands. Taylor's heart had melted. He was a nice guy who hadn't deserved what he'd been about to get. Especially since he'd never pressured her into anything and since he'd obviously considered her the love of his life. But keeping him attached to something he'd never really had just to 'spare' him from pain would eventually hurt him more… and she cared for him too much to do that.

She'd gathered all the courage she'd needed and she'd finally gone in. As she'd gotten closer to him, he'd lifted up his head to meet her eyes and he'd given her a vague smile.  
She'd smiled a guilty smile too and had sat down in front of him. Matt had looked at her the way only a man in love can do. Seeing him looking at her like that had reminded her of Ryan… As corny as it sounds, everything reminded her of him. He was her everything and he was on her mind every single second. She'd been missing him terribly… just like she'd missed him the first few months she'd been in France, the only difference was that now, there was hope in the horizon and the only thing she'd needed was to go back and everything would've been fine.

They'd both sat down in silence and then Taylor had started saying something:

_"Matt I'm sorry…" _She'd said leaning a little closer to him. She'd suddenly stopped… that was all she'd had figured to tell him! She really hadn't known what would come next!

_"O…k…"_ Matt had said wrinkling his frown a little while he'd smiled… somehow noticing she'd come all the way back from America and hadn't had anything else to say, had amused him.

_"Matt… I'm sorry…"_ she'd repeated, not sure of what to say next… again… while she'd took his hand and looked at him.  
It had been incredibly hard! She'd been so caught up with thinking about Ryan that she'd asked Matt to meet her to break up with him, but she hadn't known what the hell to say! After all, she hadn't broken up with that many guys in the past… in fact she hadn't broke up with a guy this way EVER! Life had always seemed to that for her: with Dean Hess, well, we all know how that had ended; with Sung Ho, they'd just went their separate ways as though nothing had happened between them, which was fine for both of them since they were never really in love… with Henry-Michel… she'd left France without saying anything to him the first time and the second time they'd met… he'd been the one who'd left a note in his hotel room! This was the first time she'd been about to give this kinda speech and she hadn't thought it through!

The clock had been ticking and Taylor still hadn't said anything else, and Matt had stopped being amused and had started saying: _"You know what Taylor?… If this is so difficult for you then there's no point in being here, so… call me when you're really ready to say something",_ and he'd started rising from the chair.

Taylor had reacted quickly and had held on to his hand while she'd kept looking on his face and had said: _"No, Matt… I'm ready now… please stay."_

Matt had seen the beautiful yet sad expression in her eyes and then he'd seen her hand holding his. He really loved her… every time she'd looked at him with those eyes, she'd won him over. The way she'd been holding his hand had sent a shock of electricity through his entire body and for a moment there he'd actually felt she was his… He'd sat back down on the chair and his heart had started pounding faster while he'd heard her say:  
_"Look Matt… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you about my past with Ryan and I'm sorry for putting you through what I put you through",_ she'd said looking at the table _"You didn't deserve that from me… you went to Berkeley with me without knowing anybody and I should've honored that because you're an amazing guy… you really are."_

_"Well… I'm not so amazing… I yelled at you in front of everybody that mean something to you… ",_ Matt had interrupted her with a disappointed tone in his voice.

_"And I don't blame you for it",_ she'd said squeezing his hand a little harder. _"After what I did to you… I deserved more than that…",_ she'd finished saying with a low voice.

_"What do you mean?"_ Matt had asked with a confused voice. _"You've been wonderful to me… What did you do to me?_

Then it had hit her. As far as Matt had been concerned, this hadn't been a break up… they'd been making up. The confused look in Matt's eyes had told her that somehow inside him he'd still had hope. He'd still hoped that she was going to be able to love him, and he'd been willing to wait for as long as it would take for her to say it. He was a remarkable guy, that was certain… but she didn't deserve him. He deserved someone who could think of him every minute of the day. He deserved someone who could dream of him and who could make her whole world revolve around him. He deserved someone who could feel butterflies in her stomach every time he said a word… he deserved someone who he could mean what Ryan meant to her… he deserved someone who could love him back! And she wasn't that person. She'd looked inside her heart and had decided it was time to tell the truth he'd deserved to know from the beginning…It had been time to say what she'd been there to say…

_"I dragged you into this",_ she'd said looking at the table. _"I dragged you into this relationship…"_

Matt had been having an internal battle. The way she'd said that had been so full of… a strange feeling he hadn't been able decipher if it was pain, sadness, regret or a mix of the three. He'd never seen her like that. He'd started feeling something was about to happen… his heart had been feeling his most precious treasure was slipping away… but somehow his mind had known that treasures always belonged to someone else. He'd started looking at the table, afraid of looking into her eyes as he'd heard her continue: _"Matt… you were right. When I met you… I was in a really hard place in my life… and you were this ray of sunshine in the mess of all my darkness… but… you were right with your suspicions about Ryan…"_

Matt had exhaled without being aware that he'd been holding his breath. As surprising as it have may sounded, he hadn't seen this coming… or maybe he had, but he'd just been in denial… and seeing her vague smile after she'd said his name… had made him feel a little part of him die. He hadn't know what to say… and perhaps it had been better to let her continue, although he'd known he was about to experience pain in a whole new level if he'd stayed there… but he had.

"_France has always been a place where I run to when nothing's working out the way I want it to. I have a tendency of running away before I can see everything fall apart…",_ she'd said looking at the table and for moments looking at him. _"I did it once almost 7 years ago, running away from Ryan too. That time I didn't want to stay around because I wanted to run away from the painful reality of another failed relationship… but we didn't fail. We got back together again and… everything was going fine…",_ she'd said while a wave of sadness filled her voice. _"And then, I did it two years ago again… because I managed to convince myself that he didn't love me and that I needed to forget him, that I wanted to forget him…but I never did…"_

Matt had kept looking at the table with his eyes closed and suddenly he'd let go of her hand. And looking at her with pain-filled eyes and still a little in disbelief he'd said, shaking his head: _"Wait… this doesn't add up. You're here! You had your chance to be with him back there and you still came here… That has to mean something… are you sure you're not running away again? 'Cause if you are, then Ryan keeps making you wanna go away."_

_"It does mean something",_ she'd said calmly, trying to choose her words and looking to the table. _"One of the reasons I'm here is, because for the first time in my life, I'm not running from something… I'm running to something…",_ she'd stopped while she'd bitten her lips feeling nervous about what she'd been about to say… the moment those words would come out of her mouth it was gonna make it real… although it was already real and the way her heart beat started racing just from the thought of saying it told her that, it was going to be the first time in two years she had been going to admit it to someone, it was the first time in two years she had been going to admit it to herself ._"It means I love him."_

_"O…k…",_ Matt had said trying to ignore the shock those words had produced in him. _"So… I was just part of your soul searching journey then..."_

_"Matt… please don't talk like that…",_ she'd said noticing that he'd been starting to be so hurt that he was trying to pretend he was mad.

_"It's true, Taylor…",_ he'd said taking a look straight to her eyes while raising his voice a little. _"You're here telling me how you always run away, and that you wanted to convince yourself you wanted to forget him…The whole time… you used me to prove a point! You wanted to see if you could forget him and you never really stopped to see I was falling for you! After nine months you never really gave a damn about this…you just used me to prove if you could live a new life away from him."_

_"Matt… that's not true! I didn't use you!",_ she'd said looking at him straight to his face. _"I'm not only here because of Ryan… I'm here because of you too… I know these words may sound empty to you right now but… I care about you… I always have and I probably always will."_

Hearing her say that made his heart skip a beat… but then he suddenly realized… that… wasn't enough.

"_Alright… then how does that work?"_ he'd wondered looking at the table with an angry tone in his voice.

_"I know this may sound horrible, but I care for you enough to come down here. I needed to see you… I needed to tell you this in person…",_ she'd said looking at the table and talking with a low voice. _"Because you deserved at least that from me… you gave me so many good moments that I'm never going to forget… You deserved from me to stay by your side… you deserved my undivided attention… you deserved everything from me."_

_"Even Love?"_ he'd said lifting his head to meet her eyes, but as his words had progressed, his eyes had started showing sadness instead of anger again. _"'Cause that's the one thing I really wanted, and that's the only thing you obviously couldn't give me… I mean, after nine months you never said it… so I must've noticed something was wrong… I guess I just kept hoping someday you'd say it… I guess… I just had a hard time letting you go."_

It was the first time Taylor had really noticed how much he loved her. After all he was right; she had never really stopped to see how in love he was with her. If she would've known how hard he was going to fall for her, she never would've said yes when he'd asked her out on a date.

_"I wish I could tell you I loved you",_ Taylor had said looking at the table but then at his eyes sadly. _"I really do… It would make this a little easier…"_

_"At least you knew better than to say it without feeling it… that's a good thing",_ he'd said trying to make her feel better in spite of how miserable he was feeling.

Taylor hadn't known what else to say. She'd been feeling horrible… Matt had given her so much… in his own way, he'd given her hope. He'd made her realize that, no matter how bad things could go… there's always someone out there who can be your angel and guide you through the process of coping. He'd given her good times when she was alone and miserable. More than a boyfriend, he'd been a friend and she couldn't have survived those months without him. She was so thankful to him that as an effort to give him what he deserved, she'd tried to love him…she really had… but in the end… she'd realized that you can't force someone into your heart.

_"Look Taylor…",_ he'd continued looking at her and noticed this was hurting her. _"I'm not going to lie to you… this isn't easy for me, in fact it's quite hurtful to say the least. But I got to admit that I appreciate your honesty… I appreciate you coming here instead of dumping me over the phone…! And, in the end, I just want you to be happy with or without me… and if you're happy without me… If you're happy with Ryan then…I'm happy for you… and I mean that… I really do."_

Taylor had sighed in relief… Matt was an exceptional guy. Normally when guys said things like that, they'd only say it to look good… but Matt hadn't been saying it because of that… in spite of how hurt he'd been, he really had meant it.

"_You're amazing did you know that?"_ she'd said smiling at him and with her eyes almost filling with tears.

_"I do my best",_ he'd said reaching for her hand.

_"If things would've been different…",_ she'd started saying but Matt had interrupted her.

_"Don't say that…",_ he'd said squeezing her hand in his and with a sweet voice he'd continued: _"Don't say that if things would've been different you could've loved me… that's just gonna hurt me more… besides, the truth is… for what I saw of how much Ryan loves you… destiny would've found a way to join the two of you together… and even if you would've met me first… the moment your eyes would've met Ryan's… I would've been out the door…that's the way it is."_

_"I really love him Matt… I really do",_ she'd said looking at him and smiling.

Those words had made a hole into his heart, but seeing her smile was priceless and he'd really wanted her to be happy. Of course, he'd wished he would've been able to give her the kinda happiness that was showing in her face… but her heart belonged to someone else and whoever who could make her that happy… deserved his blessing.

_"Then we're officially broken up",_ he'd said smiling and trying to lighten the mood a little.

She'd smiled once again at his attempt to be strong and had then said: _"Thanks for everything Matt… now I can go back…"_

_"I'm not sure about that…",_ he'd said while shaking his head a little.

_"What do you mean?"_ she'd wondered wrinkling her frown and obviously preoccupied.

_"Taylor, don't worry… I'm not having second thoughts",_ he'd said noticing she'd been worried about him maybe not reacting so good to the break up. _"This has nothing to do with me… It's about the magazine actually… We have this big project coming up and we could use your expertise. I know you wanna go back as soon as possible but… this won't take you that long. Come on…! Consider this your farewell appearance…"_

Taylor had hesitated a little. She'd really wanted to go back to Berkeley as soon as possible, but at the same time… she'd really missed working. She knew that in Berkeley, she wasn't going to get a job as good as this one, at least not immediately. This could've been her last shot of doing something in a really long time. And it wouldn't be going to take her that long. She was good at editing and she could almost do it with her eyes closed so… this would be a piece of cake… right? So she'd said it was ok…

If only she would've known what she would be getting herself in to… she would've said HELL NO! It had turned out that in the less than a month she'd been away… the magazine had been falling apart. There had been tons and tons of work to do and as much as she'd wanted to leave everyone there to their luck, she hadn't been able to do that. At least she'd needed to finish the large project they'd been working on and she would leave everything else to them.

The days had been going by and she'd been exhausted. She'd thought about calling Summer for like thousands of times, but she'd been so busy that she'd never gotten around it. In fact… maybe calling her would take time away from her and she'd desperately wanted to finish it so she could run back to Ryan and have their happily ever after. The next days had been like a fog… it had been so hard to concentrate, but whenever she'd been feeling like she couldn't do anything anymore… the thought of being with Ryan had been the only thing that had made her strong enough to keep going.

The day had finally arrived and after four days of working like a crazy woman, she'd finished and had finally left the magazine. It had hurt a little for her to leave behind something she liked, but having a wonderful work wasn't as important as having the love of your life by your side, 'cause she'd known that wonderful jobs, could come and go… but love, at least true love… happens only once in a lifetime. So she'd finally gotten on a plane and left.

The moment she'd arrived there, she'd checked into the hotel again knowing that it would only be for a short period of time, since she'd probably be going to live in the apartment with Ryan again soon. Again, her mind had kept navigating and planning all the good things she was going to do with Ryan, all the things she was going to tell him once she saw him again. She certainly was going to tell him she loved him, she loved him even more than what she'd thought possible and that she wanted things to work this time… she was ready to make things work because she finally knew what she wanted again… and what she wanted… was him.

Once she settled in, she hadn't even called Summer again… she'd been so busy renting a car so she could go back to what used to be her apartment and be with the man she'd wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It had been late at night… really late, but she hadn't been able to wait… she had to see him… she had to hold him… she had to be with him once and for all.

During the whole ride there, she'd kept thinking that she hadn't felt this urge to see someone in her entire life. She'd practically been losing her mind and the only thing that would calm her down was to see Ryan's eyes looking at hers…  
She'd parked the car and she'd been able to see him. He'd been sitting in the sidewalk with someone who looked extremely familiar to her. At first she hadn't been able to put a name to the face, but she'd been sure she knew her.

She'd gotten out of the car, now having had a strange feeling. It was late… the girl looked like she'd been out in a party or something and Ryan looked a little like that too… there was only one girl who would try and make him go to a party or to a club besides her… and she'd immediately figured out who the girl was: Ashleigh. She'd started walking towards them slowly, her heart pounding as if it was looking for a way out of her chest.

She'd seen both of them standing up and for some reason she'd frozen. She had only been able to see the back of Ashleigh's hair, but she'd had a clear look to Ryan's face. She could've sworn he'd seen her, but then she'd noticed he hadn't been looking at her… he'd been looking straight into Ashleigh's eyes.

That was the moment she'd known exactly what was going to happen. She'd wished she hadn't but deep inside of her she'd known. She'd started breathing heavily and she'd desperately wanted to scream his name… but her voice hadn't come out of her mouth.

Then… it had happened.

She'd see the man she loved most in the world kissing someone else.

Now, she was standing there, crushed and hurt… all her plans, all her dreams… scattered to the ground. She could've sworn he was going to wait for her… that he was going to understand. They stayed there, with their lips joint together for what felt like an eternity to her… during those brief seconds she kept hoping for Ryan to pull away abruptly but… he never did.

When he finally slowly pulled away… he looked to the ground and she closed her eyes while he did it… she felt her eyelids warm up because any moment now, the tears where going to start falling. And although she couldn't take it… she wanted to make sure he saw her… she wanted to make sure he knew she was standing there while looking at them… that's why she slowly and painfully waited for him to raise his head and look her way without moving.

She was standing there, holding her breath. It was hard to know the exact moment when his eyes met hers, because she was seeing him through her tears… but when she finally noticed, she realized that it was nothing like she'd thought it would be. She'd thought that seeing his eyes once she was back was going to calm her down… but for the first time in two years… looking into his eyes, was killing her. Not being able to control her pain, she immediately put her head down not wanting to give him the pleasure of seeing her cry again. One tear started rolling through her face and she cleaned it out quickly… it was hard to pretend to be strong… so now that she knew he'd seen her, she just turned around and began walking away with her arms crossed… she was feeling cold… but now, she didn't know if it was because of the night… or because of what she'd seen…

She started walking away as fast as she could when she felt Ryan's presence walking behind her trying to reach her

_"Taylor, hold on!"_ he said trying to catch up with her but she was still walking ahead of him.

Hearing his voice made her heart break. She'd thought that the first time she'd hear his voice again, her heart would be jumping up and down from happiness, but things couldn't be anymore different. She was now close to the car… she felt like she was about to faint but she used the car to support her body while she closed her eyes and finally broke into tears.

Hearing her sobbing like she was a little girl made Ryan want to hold her. He'd never been able to see her cry, and although he wasn't seeing her because she was facing the car, hearing her breath cutting off from the tears was more than he could stand… He was about to put one hand on her shoulder when she raised her hand and abruptly pushed his arm away from her and in between her tears she just mumbled: _"Don't."_

_"Taylor please… let me explain",_ he said softly while trying to get a little bit close to her but she kept raising her hands for him just to go away. He desperately wanted to stop her from crying but she wasn't letting him. She kept leaning to the car crying her hazel eyes out. She was breathing interruptedly and it was killing him to hear her, but then he heard her say something that he couldn't understand. She said it like three times before turning around to face him but she never raised her head to meet his eyes… it was then when he saw her, her cheeks all covered in tears and mascara, that he understood what she was saying: _"Four days… Ryan… four days."_

_"Taylor please let me talk to you…",_ he said raising his voice a little and looking for her eyes.

Without even paying attention to what he was saying, she just took a big breath and yelled at the top of her lungs: _"Four days was all it took you to find a new make out buddy! Four days… Ryan… Four days!"_

_"Taylor!",_ he said raising his voice a little more but still not yelling at her to get her attention.

_"You were kissing someone else, Ryan!",_ she said yelling at him and pointing to where Ashleigh was still standing in the distance. _"And out of all people, you were kissing Ashleigh! After only four days!… That was all it took you to find her from wherever she was hiding, huh? And don't you dare tell me she was the one who kissed you because as far as I know, it takes two set of lips for a kiss to happen and yours were on the mix… THE ENTIRE TIME!"_

Hearing her saying it like that, made Ryan realize that if it would've happened the other way around, he'd probably think the same thing… Oh wait! It did happen the other way around! So, Ryan forgot about wanting to hold her and without even thinking he just blurted out: _"It only took you one night to go straight back to Matt's arms… so, it was only natural for me to catch up… and of course you know about needing two set of lips for a kiss…yours where on the mix whenever Matt kissed you too!"_

Ryan was obviously annoyed from what he was hearing. But still… once he heard himself saying it and once he saw Taylor lift up her head wrinkling her frown and with new tears running through her face… he regretted it.

She immediately raised her head to meet his eyes while she took a big breath from her mouth. She couldn't believe what she was hearing! This wasn't what she'd come back for and it was killing her to see he was throwing Matt in her face.

_"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that",_ he said trying to mend what he'd said just moments ago.

She sighed at his attempt of making things right. She was crying horribly and for the first time in her life, she had expected Ryan to say something good… anything! Even an 'I love you' would've helped even though the situation was a little bit more complicated and couldn't be fixed with just those three words… but she still wanted to hear him say something like 'I'm sorry I've missed you too much' or 'I was scared to lose you' and for the first time, he didn't said something like that, so she coldly and madly responded:

"_There's no other possible way to mean that Ryan… And that was completely different!"_ she said looking at the floor and trying to calm down.

Maybe it was because of how frustrated he'd felt the last four days… maybe it was because he was tired… but once again Ryan found himself saying the wrong words… at the completely wrong time:_ "How's that different Taylor?",_ he asked raising his voice again without even noticing it. _"You went back to France… you went back to him and you're not even trying to deny it!"_

Taylor raised her head to meet his eyes while holding her breath. He was killing her! She kept looking into his eyes while he stared at hers trying to find the same Ryan that had been telling her how much he knew she still loved him, but she couldn't find him. Looking into his eyes, she just saw a void… he was looking at her eyes without reading what was inside her soul… for the first time she felt like he didn't know what was behind her eyes… he didn't seem to know her anymore.

It was then when she realized that everything had changed… suddenly he didn't know if she loved him, and that thought was like a cold knife in her guts. She'd gone back to France to leave the only thing that was keeping them from having their happily ever after and he never understood that… How on Earth was it possible that he would think, that after such a passionate and loving kiss they'd shared, she'd go back to Matt's arms? She wasn't like that! Wasn't Ryan the one who knew her even more than she knew her herself? Wasn't he the one who knew she would freak out when he told her he loved her a little more than a week ago? How come things had changed so fast? She was so hurt… she'd never been more hurt in her life, not even when she'd returned the ring…because back then, he knew she loved him… he knew exactly what she felt about him… but now… he was doubting what was her reason for living.

Whispering and with her voice completely broken, spite the pain it was causing her, she kept looking to his eyes and sarcastically she said: _"Yeah Ryan, that's why I left for France…", _and she started opening the car door.

Noticing she was now even more hurt than what she'd seemed in the past few minutes… he just grabbed her arm and told her: _"Then tell me… If you wanted me, then why did you leave?"_

Looking at his hand grabbing her arm, she remembered how Matt had held her like that on the night of Sophie's birthday and what Ryan told her after that: _"You shouldn't let him treat you like that"_. He'd definitely changed… maybe it was because he was frustrated too… but he was grabbing her so… rudely nonetheless. She raised her head once again and looked straight into his eyes… She didn't know what to say… what could she possibly say that would make him believe she loved him? He had the proof of her love in front of him and he couldn't see it! What else was there to say? She was so broken up and it wasn't about seeing him kissing someone else anymore… it was because he'd doubted her; he'd doubted how much she loved him. She looked at him and with her eyes she tried to tell him that he was asking the wrong question… he should've asked: _"Why did you come back?"_

_"Let me go…",_ she said trying to compose herself and talking as if she was mad… she wasn't mad… she was just… devastated.

_"I'm not letting you go until you tell me why you left…",_ he said while still holding her arm and emphasizing every word.

_"Don't you understand that I can't be here right now?!"_ Taylor said yelling again, and with every word she was pronouncing a new set of tears began streaming down her face. _"Don't you understand that I can't even look into your eyes without feeling like my life's slipping away… Don't you understand it kills me? If you haven't noticed, then I'm telling you that right now… It hurts, ok?!… It hurts too much! I can't even bare to be standing right now and I keep hoping for you to notice that and start telling me something that would numb my pain but every word that comes out of your mouth is like a stab in my heart... and I can't take it… I can't Ryan… I can't… I can't… I can't…",_ and when she finished saying that, she didn't even give Ryan a chance to react and found a way to set herself free. She just jumped into the car, started the engine and started driving away as fast as she could.

Ryan just stood there… shocked by Taylor's reaction and then he noticed, he noticed something that he should've noticed the minute he saw her standing there in front of his building… she still loved him… and now because of him not noticing it sooner, everything could very well be down the drain.

Taylor only drove like five streets and then she reached for her cell… it was finally time to call Summer. Taylor thought that the next time she was going to hear Summer's voice, it was going to be to tell her about how happy she was with Ryan now and how everything had worked out perfectly… but things were far from perfect…

_"Taylor? Is that you?"_ Summer asked once she noticed Taylor's name in the caller ID, but for some reason she wasn't hearing more than sobs on the other side of the line. _"Honey… Taylor? Where are you? What's happened? Are you ok? I know it's you… just talk to me."_

It was like a minute before Taylor could say something; she was finally letting herself cry a lot because of what'd just happened. She took a big breath and still a little agitated, she finally said: _"I saw him kissing someone…"_

_"What…? Who? Honey… where are you?",_ Summer wondered confused and preoccupied about how bad Taylor sounded.

_"I was just in Ryan's place… Although I never really entered…I'm heading to your house right now…",_ Taylor said breathing heavily and still crying

_"So you're here? You're back and you just saw Ryan…",_ Summer said trying to place all the pieces in the puzzle. Actually it took her a little time to figure it out. _"Oh My God… did you just see Ryan…?"_

_"I saw him kissing someone",_ Taylor repeated as her voice started breaking a lot more.

_"Oh My God… you just got back from France… you came back… so you were there to… break it off with Matt… and you just saw Ryan… Oh My God!"_ Summer said anxious, and now realizing how bad this was.

_"See? Even you figured it out!",_ Taylor said hitting the wheel. _"He didn't. He's not even sure I love him anymore! He just told me since I went to France to be with Matt he needed to catch up!"_

_"And what did you answer?"_ Summer asked in a really low voice.

_"I just left… I couldn't take it… how was it that he didn't know I love him? I love him with all my heart Sum, I do… it was so hard to be there… I just couldn't take it…",_ Taylor said as her voice started breaking again and she started crying uncontrollably again.

_"Honey… just pull over… I'll go and pick you up",_ Summer said noticing that Taylor wasn't in the best shape to be driving.

Taylor noticed how bad she was. She'd never thought she was going to be so shattered, but she couldn't let Summer come pick her up, she didn't want to be a burden and it was late, so she started breathing slowly so she could calm down… and when she'd finally collected herself she said: _"I'm ok… I'll be there in ten minutes…"_

And as the time started passing away… deep down inside them, Ryan and Taylor knew that things were different now… once again they started feeling, the same feeling they'd both had experienced a thousand miles away from each other the night Ryan had gone back to the apartment after being in the airport, and when Taylor had first arrived in Paris… they felt like they had the chance to have it all… and life had gotten in the way.

They'd been given a chance once again… and once again… things were messed up.

The only question lingering in their minds now was… if they were going to be able to have another chance again…

The answer to that question… they didn't really know it… the only thing they knew for sure, was… that this game they were playing…

Had definitely changed.


	15. If Only

**_Author's Note: _Hey Guys! I'm back! I know, I know... it took me a while to update... and I'm sorry. Last week I had the final exams before getting two weeks of freedom and to add to that stress, I had a terrible case of the flu! Sandra was busy too... so I just got to upload this until now... **

**I want to take the chance to thank Tay (forgottenMisfit) for her wonderful reviews... honey, reading your reviews makes me want to write more! Thanks for your messages when I was sick! Your advices worked! Also giving thanks to my "bestest" email friend... Sandra! I love you sweetie and you know it! I'd be lost without you!**

**Again, I have to remind you that we're one chapter closer to the end... so, please leave your reviews!!! I also wanted to tell you that, I sort of have a storyline for my next RT fanfic, but if you have any suggestions... now's the time to share them!**

**Hope you enjoy reading this chapter... hopefully the next update won't take me that long to upload it so, let's all cross our fingers! Anyways... here it goes!**

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**Chapter 15**

_It's funny the way things turn out in this life. Whenever you think you have something figured out, a new riddle comes along begging to be solved. The moment you think everything is going to work out a certain way, it's as if life throws you a curved ball and everything you thought you knew… isn't true anymore._

_It's funny how in one moment you think you know it all. You seem pretty sure of everything that's going on around you and you feel safe… but when something happens that threatens that safety, as the human beings we all are and afraid of the unknown, we start losing it, we freaking out and start questioning everything we once claimed to know like the palm of our hands…  
_--------  
As Ryan watched the Taylor's car disappearing in the horizon, his heart started racing, his hands became sweaty and he felt the blood in his veins starting to heat up. He was familiar with this feeling; it was the feeling he'd always get when he'd been about to punch someone in the past. He'd changed since his old Kid-Chino days and he hadn't felt like this in a really long time. In fact, he'd thought he'd lost that old bad boy somewhere along the way. He'd never thought he'd feel like this again… let alone that Taylor was going to be the one to trigger those old habits of his… although, let's wait a second… Taylor hadn't been the one to wake up that dormant beast he had inside him… this was his work… this was his own work. And that was the thing that made him feel a lot angrier.

Once again, he started thinking of what could've been. What if he hadn't gone out of the club with Ashleigh? What if he hadn't sat down with her on the sidewalk? What if he hadn't told her about what was going on with him and Taylor? That way she wouldn't have started talking about her ex and she wouldn't have started feeling vulnerable. She wouldn't have said what she'd said and he wouldn't have started seeing Taylor in her… and that way he never would've kissed her!

If only he could've managed to control his need to be right… if only he would've let Taylor speak or even yell. After all, her reaction to the situation had been natural. If only he would've just shut up! But no, he'd had to say it, he'd had to start defending himself even though he'd known there weren't any good justifications! He hadn't been thinking when he'd started throwing Matt in Taylor's face. And he'd known it wasn't fair to compare him kissing Ashleigh to Taylor being with Matt… but his anger, no, not his anger, his fear of losing her, had taken the best of him and his need to be right… his need to stand his ground had won the battle.

If only he would've reasoned that her presence back in Berkeley meant that she'd come back for him… if only he would've reasoned that her tears meant hurt, and her being hurt was always related to love, and that every tear that came out of her beautiful eyes was an unspoken 'I love you'. For her, pain, hurt and love always went hand in hand. She never cried if she didn't feel genuinely devastated by something or someone she really loved. And he used to know that! He used to see right through her! He used to know her like the palm of his hand! How come he hadn't seen it?

He found his mind telling him a million things and they all started with what Taylor always told him were the saddest words in English language: _"If only"._

The feeling of knowing that he couldn't change it this time made his head start spinning. He'd managed to hurt Taylor on a whole new level. How was it that, from the last two years, he'd always managed to hurt the one person that meant the world to him?

The overwhelming feeling of being hand-tied made him feel short of breath. His blood started heating up faster because he kept thinking that the damage was done and there was nothing he could do to take it back. He started closing his fists and every muscle in his body became tense. If he would've had someone in front of him, that person would've been feeling some serious pain in that moment. But, since he was alone in there, with his eyes still looking where the car used to be… he just found himself doing the only thing he thought would bring a little peace to his soul. He knew it wouldn't make him feel happy with himself but, it was the only let out he had at the moment.

He just found himself yelling: _"Damn it!"_

He started looking at the ground and then something told him to look back… and when he did, he realized that Ashleigh was still standing there and had seen the whole Atwood/Townsend 'disagreement' in all of its painful glory.

Not feeling sure about how exactly he was going to react, he started walking towards her while a long and tired sigh came out of his body. When he finally reached her, she just started looking down on the pavement and, as if she was afraid of him she just stated: _"I'm sorry."_

_"It's not your fault",_ he said noticing that she was a little bit scared of him at the moment. _"You're not the one to blame for this."_

_"Are you kidding me?"_ she said with a surprised voice while she finally dared to meet his gaze. _"I was the one who kissed you! This is totally my doing!"_

_"We weren't being ourselves Ashleigh",_ he said while looking to the ground and then at her. _"And no offense but… I wasn't exactly kissing you…"_

_"And I wasn't kissing you either…",_ she said with a half smile. _"I need to tell her that… Give me her hotel address",_ she said as she started looking for a pen and a piece of paper to start writing.

_"Ashleigh…",_ he said while leaning a little closer to her to get her attention. _"I appreciate you trying to help here… but I think you're the last person she wants to see right now… no offense."_

_"Oh…"_ she said stopping and looking at him. _"Then what are you doing here? Go after her!"_

_"I'm on top of you on the list of people she doesn't want to see right now",_ he said giving her a vague smile…

_"And how exactly do you know that, Ryan Atwood?"_ she asked as if she didn't know what had happened a few minutes ago. She said it so careless as if she hadn't witnessed the whole fight!

_"Didn't you see what happened?!"_ Ryan asked while pointing in the direction where him and Taylor have had their little 'disagreement'. _"She probably hates me right now!"_

_"So you're just going to give up?",_ she asked raising her eyebrows and looking at him in complete disbelief. _"If I remember correctly from what you told me… you didn't go after her the last time and look how good that turned out!"_

_"I'm not giving up!"_ he said in a low voice knowing that Ashleigh had said something true.

_"Are you going after her?" _she asked in a little mad tone like trying to make some sense into Ryan.

_"Not right now…"_ he said still in a low voice almost as if he was being intimidated by Ashleigh right there and then.

_"Then you're giving up!"_ she said throwing her hands in the air and then putting one on her forehead. _"I seriously can't believe you! Just a few minutes ago you were feeling miserable and probably wishing she made an appearance back into your life and now that she does… you're just letting her go away!"_

_"I'm not letting her go away!"_ he said raising his voice a little, almost as if that would made Ashleigh's words less true. _"I just… I just want her to be calmed when I talk to her."_

_"Ryan…", _Ashleigh said sighing and talking really low while looking at him. _"You just kissed another chick… and she saw you! She's never going to be calmed enough! You should just go there… and talk to her now…"_

Ryan stood there looking at Ashleigh. He was getting advice from the girl he always used to save in college… She was the last person in the world he would've thought to be so wise… but for some surprising reason, all of her words made sense… he knew it. But, just remembering how sad Taylor had been and how much pain her eyes revealed… knowing that it was his fault… made him scared. He was scared of not knowing what to say once he had Taylor in front of him. He'd never been good with words and even if for some love amazing miracle he'd manage to say the most romantic thing in history, he wasn't sure if Taylor was going to be able to forgive him, at least not in the state she was. He needed time to figure out what to tell her, at least that was he was telling himself but, quite frankly he needed time to process the whole thing… "_I just need time",_ he kept thinking. "_I just need time."_ After all, it wasn't like he was going to take two weeks like the last time… he was only going to take one night…

Ashleigh noticed he wasn't moving… in fact… he seemed to be like a statue in that moment… so she kept saying: _"Look… you can do whatever you feel comfortable doing. If you think this can wait until the morning, then wait. But don't tell yourself that you want her to be calm... just tell yourself the truth… tell yourself you're not ready…", _she said while she turned around a little to start walking…

_"Hey…"_ Ryan said a little surprised that for some reason she seemed to read his mind. _"Where're you going?"_

_"Home?"_ she said smiling a little. _"I think I've done too much damage for the night…"_

_"You've been really helpful too…",_ he said smiling a little to her knowing that she really was trying to help undo the mess she'd caused while watching her turn around to leave.

_"You know?"_ she said after taking a few steps away from him and turning around to see him. _" She doesn't hate you… me, maybe… but you… she may be hurt and a little mad at you but… she's far from hating you… I'm sure of that. Hope you're sure of that too."_

Ryan simply started looking at the ground. It was a little hard to believe Taylor didn't hate him in that particular night. Ashleigh also started looking at the floor for a moment, not sure if she should continue what she had to say, but then Ryan looked at her and he started nodding slightly so she continued:

_"And just so you know… The more time you take in this sort of thing… the more things change. I just hope that when you decide to do something… things aren't that different…"_ She gave him a little smile and with that… she started walking away… soon being away completely from his sight.

As Ryan started walking the stairs back to his apartment, he started remembering his whole conversation with Ashleigh. He started thinking that he wasn't giving up… if there was something he wasn't capable of doing was exactly that: letting Taylor go. Of course, in theory he always tried to do it when the situation called for it… but he was never able to get around to it. He was always attached to her essence… he was always holding on to her even when he tried to tell himself he was in fact letting her go. His love for her was… his love for her was… simply inexplicable. She wasn't like him in any form… she was a rambler, he was a broody boy. She was perky, he was the cool one. He was a slow guy, she was a tornado. She always got her way; he sometimes didn't even try for his plans to work out. She was a planner… and he hardly planned anything in his life! But spite of all those differences… he was never able to let her go.

Then what was it? If he was never able to let go of her memory, if he was never able to think of any other person the way he thought about her… then… what was it that was telling him he needed to wait? He knew he loved her and he knew she loved him too… wasn't that enough?

Maybe he was still feeling guilty. He always felt guilty when this sort of things happened. It was his nature… the way he was made. Maybe it was because he didn't know what to say. He always had issues with the words coming out of his mouth… for some reason, he wasn't able to make a connection between his heart and his words… deep inside himself he hated it… but again, that was the way he was made.

His mind started drifting as his eyes kept looking at the ceiling laying there in his bed. He knew he wanted to go to her in that exact instant. He knew he wanted to kiss her again and again. He knew he wanted to feel his fingers running through her hair. He knew he longed for those arms to wrap him up in a long and passionate embrace. He knew he wanted to hear her whisper his name in his ear… he knew he wanted her. He wanted everything from her… her body, her mind, her soul… her heart… he wanted so badly to be with her… then what the hell was it? What was it that was keeping him there thinking he needed time?

Then, as a breeze of fresh air his mind finally came up with the conclusion he was looking for… he still wasn't sure of what she'd gone back to France for…

There were four days missing. Four days he didn't know what had happened. What if she'd gone back there with the intention of being with Matt and then something happened there… that made her come back? What if she had come back for him just as a default?

For the first time in his life, Ryan was being paranoid. He was trying so hard to make everything make sense… that he was forgetting the point: whatever it was that she was doing back there… she'd come back for him… and that was reason enough to get out of that bed and look for her!

Time passed by hopelessly and it was almost morning… the sun wasn't up yet… it must've been like 3 or 4 in the morning, which was what surprised him the most when he heard a pretty heavy knock on the door.

He jumped off the bed thinking that maybe it was her. Maybe she'd come back again feeling angry… it didn't matter if she was there to punch him… all he was thinking was that if she was the one on the other side of the door… he was gonna get his chance to talk… ready or not… in that moment… he didn't care if he was ready! He just wanted to see her… and confirm one more time… all the reasons he'd fallen in love with her… which was maybe what he needed to feel ready in the first place.

Once he opened the door… all his expectations… where kinda shattered.

_"Seth!"_ he said with a touch of disappointment on his voice. _"What are you doing here?"_

_"So you weren't asleep… that's good",_ Seth said as he started grabbing Ryan's arm for him to get out of the apartment.

_"Whoa, whoa, whoa…",_ Ryan said pushing Seth's arm away. _"What do you think you're doing?"_

_"I need you to come with me",_ Seth said with a cold tone on his voice… a tone Ryan had never heard before.

_"Man… it's past midnight… way past midnight",_ Ryan said still a little hesitant about following Seth that late at night. _"Whatever it is… can't it just wait until the sun comes up at least…?"_

_"Ryan…",_ Seth said looking straight to his eyes with a penetrating look that started scaring Ryan. _"You need to come with me now."_

Ryan stood there looking at Seth for a moment feeling totally confused… but for some reason the look in Seth's eyes and the tone on his voice made him curious to know where this was going…

_"Ok… just let me change…",_ he said while he got back to his bedroom to put on a shirt and some jeans. _"Let's go."_

If the look on Seth's face was confusing, the way he was driving… was even more confusing. Seth was always a geek when it came to… well… Seth was a geek when it came to everything… and his driving was no exception. But now he was driving really fast… he was keeping his eyes on the road the whole time and he wasn't talking… at all. Ryan immediately noticed something was wrong… something was definitely wrong.

_"Seth",_ he said with a really thick voice. _"Are you gonna tell me what's going on?"_

Seth kept driving without saying a word. You could count with only one hand the moments when Seth didn't find something to say in history. He was an even bigger rambler than Taylor sometimes! And the fact that he wasn't answering anything… was an even bigger sign that something wasn't right… and the minute they started pulling over outside a hospital… Ryan finally came to know… something was terribly wrong.

Once the car was pulled over and they both got out of the car, Ryan's sudden rage demon started showing and he stopped Seth by placing himself in front of him and said:

_"You're gonna tell me what we're doing here right now!"_

Seth kept being in silence… this was some kind of record. Which made Ryan even angrier and he said: _"Seth… what the hell is going on???"_

Finally, Seth broke his silence… leaving Ryan wishing he hadn't said anything at all: _"Taylor's in there…"_

Ryan kept looking at Seth and for the first time, he didn't have to wait for him to start one of his ramblings to understand the severity of the situation. Taylor was in the hospital because something bad… something really bad had happened. At that thought, Ryan's face immediately went blank… instead of looking angry, he started looking lost… his eyes were drifting and his world started spinning… Seth started saying something but Ryan wasn't listening… he'd tuned off. Seth started getting worried because Ryan wasn't reacting, but then all of the sudden, Ryan came back to reality and started walking inside the hospital… and Seth knew that for some reason Ryan had started channeling Kid Chino as a way to deal with the situation.

Ryan started walking aimlessly and out of control, not sure of where he was going. He started feeling like he was about to punch someone again... he was about to punch whoever tried to stop him from finding Taylor... All he knew was that the love of his life was somewhere in there and he needed to see her now more than ever. He needed to know she was ok! Judging by the way Seth had handled the situation, it was a possibility that she was anything but ok… but that was a thought he wasn't ready to take into consideration… He finally saw a reception area and without even thinking he started demanding to see a 'Taylor Townsend'.

He was completely desperate and out of control and he only snapped out of it when a familiar voice, in the mess of all his screaming started calling him:

_"Atwood!"_ Summer said in a really loud voice to get him to look at her.

Ryan started walking towards her without even noticing it. When he was finally close enough, he grabbed her by the shoulders and looked down to her as he whispered, in a threatening way: _"Where is she?"_

_"She's in surgery",_ Summer said whispering and with her voice a little broken…

Closing his eyes deeply and still holding Summer by her shoulders he said, still whispering and with a knot on his throat: _"What happened?"_

Summer kept looking at him and she just started looking to the floor. This was really hurtful to her too. This was her best friend… the one that had remained with her during all this time… the one friend that had supported her during good and bad times and the thought of her being in surgery fighting for her life was incredibly hurtful for her.

_"Summer what happened?!"_ Ryan asked still holding her and shaking her a little.

_"Hey!"_ Seth said immediately once he saw Ryan holding Summer like that. _"Ryan let her go… there's no need to take it out on my wife."_

_"Seth…",_ Summer whispered looking at him as if letting him know that it was ok… or maybe just telling him to stay out of it.

_"Summer…",_ Ryan said a little bit more calmed but still agitated and still holding her. _"I'm asking you once again… what happened?"_

_"She was going to my house earlier…",_ she said whispering a little. _"And she crashed with another car…"_

As he heard her talking… without noticing it, he started loosening her and started closing his eyes. This had happened after she'd gone driving away from him… devastated… She'd probably been driving crying a lot… maybe that was one of the things that had produced the accident… He started sitting down in some chairs and he started putting his head in his hands… feeling completely powerless…

_"How bad is she?"_ he asked as he started talking really low…

_"Really bad…",_ was Summer's answer as her voice started breaking a lot more.

Seth then took a sit next to him and started talking, trying to explain to him what had happened exactly… Ryan was lost in his thoughts… too lost to pay attention… he only needed to hear her name and the words 'internal bleeding' in the same sentence to know this was way too serious.

He kept thinking that this was somehow his fault… she'd gone away from him because of what he'd done to her. He started reliving the whole episode… but this time, he started seeing it with a new light… he started seeing the whole thing through her tears and through her pain.

He started remembering one by one all of the words he'd told her and he couldn't believe he'd said those awful things… He'd said he needed to catch up by kissing someone else! He'd practically said that he'd kissed Ashleigh as a way to get back at her! No wonder she'd been so hurt! And what if… what if… _"What if she never wakes up?"_ he started thinking as his eyes started welling up with tears. _"What if she dies thinking that?"_ What if that was the last time they would ever cross words? Thinking that the last time he'd been with her, she'd said: _"… every word that comes out of your mouth is like a stab in my heart…",_ was too much for him to handle. He'd sworn he was never going to hurt her… he'd sworn he was going to make her happy and yet… he'd managed to say so many hurtful things for her to say something like that.

He wasn't aware of the time when everyone else started showing up. All he knew was that everyone was there in what felt like seconds for him. Kirsten and Sandy were there, Julie and his dad were there… everyone kept telling him that everything was going to be ok… but those words kept sounding so… so shallow. Nothing was going to be ok. At least not in that moment… Taylor was in surgery for God's sake! The woman he loved for more than anything was fighting for her life… and there was nothing he could do about it…

All of the sudden he started remembering Ashleigh's words: _"The more time you take in this sort of thing… the more things change."_ She was right… not even a day had passed and everything had changed completely. If only he would've listened to her... if only he would've gone after her. If only he wouldn't have taken that much time to reach her… He felt stupid by thinking he'd had time... that he wasn't going to take that long... but once again... he had taken long enough... if he would've acted on his need to be with her earlier, maybe he would've stopped her before the accident could've had a chance to happen. If only he wouldn't have made such a big deal out of what was she doing in France… that seemed so vain now… He was finally able to realize that the important thing was that she'd been there that night hoping for a chance at happiness… and had left that place completely broken up.

Out of all the people that were telling him that everything was going to be ok… there was only one that seemed to get through to him. She started leaning in the floor while he was sitting there and she kept looking for his eyes… He didn't have to open them to know who it was; he knew she was the only one who could understand him. It seemed that she was the only one who could understand everything about his relationship with Taylor… She started putting her hands on his knees and the moment he heard her voice… he knew he was about to break down.

_"We need to get through this…",_ Summer said looking at the floor. _"We need to get her through this Ryan… we need to…"_ She stopped to catch some air because she was starting to cry… She looked at him and then she noticed he was squeezing his eyes real hard and she instinctively started putting her hands on his cheeks… as if knowing that would make him look at her. _"'Cause you know… I can't afford losing another best friend… and I know… I know… I know you can't afford losing the love of your life…"_

Once he heard her say those words… he forgot momentarily about his own pain… or maybe he didn't… for some reason he found himself holding her… this was their connection… this was their thing. They both had found in Taylor the one piece missing in their lives and she'd done a really good job feeling the void… but they both couldn't help but feel… that maybe there was going to be a void again… and they were both scared… terribly scared. He tried to tell himself that he was holding her because he was trying to comfort her, but the truth was that he was seeking comfort too. Without even noticing it, one by one the tears started rolling down his face.

While being there… holding her and thinking about Summer's words, he definitely couldn't afford losing the love of his life… because that was Taylor was to him… his mind kept navigating and he started thinking again that how was it possible that he could've hurt the love of his life so bad… If only he wouldn't have said those things… if only he would've managed to hold her in spite of how much she'd wanted him to go away… if only he would've told her the truth… that he was so sad… and so scared that she'd decided to be with Matt that he'd been lost…

If only he would've told her that the reason he'd kissed Ashleigh was because she'd said something like what she'd told him all those years back and he couldn't help but to start seeing her… if only he would've just… if only he would've just said: 'I missed you' which was exactly like he was feeling sitting there holding Summer… Deep inside him, he wished for Summer to be Taylor… that was why he wasn't letting her go… and as he heard Summer sobbing… he started remembering Taylor's sobs earlier that night and that made him miss her even more. The thought of him missing her for the rest of his life if she didn't survive this… made him start breathing a lot faster. But breathing faster wasn't going to help him this time… the only thing he knew was going to help him... was hearing her voice... and that wasn't going to happen.

If only he could've had the chance to listen to her voice...  
_"If only..."  
_------  
_It's funny how everything goes around you without you being able to control it… some of us call it fate, some of us call it a Greater Power, some of us just call it life…_

_Whatever you wanna put it… it always happens when you least expect it… it's so unpredictable… and you never know exactly the moment when this game you're playing, this path you're taking… this pain you're feeling is going to be changed for something else… something bigger than you._

_And whenever that moment happens, you never know if you're gonna end up wishing… you'd done things differently._


	16. Right Here Waiting

_**Author's Note: **Hi! It's me! Again, thanks for the reviews... hope you all like this chapter as well. So listen, I've been in a really good writing mood lately so I've practically finished next chapter... but I'm still gonna wait a while to upload it because honestly, I don't want to end this story... but All good things... _

_Anyways, I wanted to tell you that there are only three more chapters after this one and then it's done. I've already started writing the next fan fic... so look out for a new RT story out there in the upcoming days. Please, please please... if you're reading this... humor me and review! I'm just getting so nostalgic because it's ending that I need to know the story's being loved by people... so please... tell me what you think! I know this chapter's kinda short compared to the long chapters I've written throughout the story but I hope you all like it anyways._

_So I'm ending this long AN's and leaving you off to read! Oh... and please! review!_

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**Chapter 16**

Ryan sat there with his head in his hands, doing one of the things that came natural for him: brooding. He'd been doing that for a reasonable while now. He was sitting there, his body begging for some rest, but his mind going at a thousand miles per hour. He wasn't sleepy. Not the slightest.

How could he sleep knowing the woman he loved was under the knife, facing the possibility of leaving the world that night? How was that even possible? He hated that everyone kept telling him that he seemed tired, that he needed to go home… He just wanted to scream at the top of his lungs: _"How can I go home with her in here?!"_

He brushed one of his hands passed his face and he felt the residue of a tear on his face. Yes, he'd been crying… incredible, huh? He'd always strike people as the tough guy, as the guy who knew how to handle his emotions in this kind of situations, and he normally was… but this time, when it came to her, he was just a mess…  
He kept looking at his watch and every second felt like an hour. Taylor had been in surgery for about two hours now and they weren't getting any news…

Time was Ryan's worst enemy that night, and spite of everybody being there to support him, he just felt like he was there alone… alone with his thoughts and with time itself.

Yes, he was feeling guilty. Yes, he was feeling sad. Yes, he was feeling powerless. Yes, he was feeling hopeless. But all of those feelings were being ruled by only one, one that normally never got to him: fear.

He'd been feeling something during all those hours, something he never thought he was going to feel again. No, scratch that, something he'd hoped he'd never felt again. You know that dream you get, where you're running and running and you're out of breath, but you can see what you're running towards right there, just a couple of feet away from you, and you just keep running; but when you strain to grasp it… you just get thin air? Well, the feeling was something like that.

It was as if his life was being swept away and as much as he wanted to reach for it and take it back… he just kept getting thin air. It was a desperate feeling… a hopeless and overwhelming feeling that was slowly eating him from the inside and he could do nothing to stop it; absolutely nothing.

He swallowed hard and kept looking to his watch but it only made things worst. Everything was moving in slow motion and he was the only one moving at normal speed. As much as he wanted everything and everyone else to move faster, he couldn't do it… it was just him and time… no matter whom else was around him.

His heart started beating faster because he was trying hard not to let the feeling take over but he couldn't do it… It was a horrible internal battle he'd only felt once in his life… yes, he'd only felt it the night Marissa died.

That was almost eight years ago now. He couldn't believe it had been that long. He'd tried to block that memory out of his mind because of how torturous it had been. Yes, he'd always remembered her and he was always going to remember her. Marissa had been his first real love and he was always going to be thankful to her for teaching him what love was… but he only held on to the good memories… and the night she'd died… wasn't a good one.

But right now, in spite of his best efforts to keep that memory locked up inside his head, he couldn't help but to recall every single and painful detail of that horrible and cold night…

Remembering everything, from how many times the car had rolled over, to how long he'd held on to her lifeless body, made him feel a gut wrenching feeling… a destructive emotion that he remembered had made him wished to be dead with her, and that there was no hope left for him in the world of the living.

He started remembering how he'd been walking through life as a dead soul all the months after her death, looking for pain just as a way to feel something… to feel alive, even though he'd known that without Marissa with him that was a long shot.

But he also remembered how wrong he'd been. He'd found a way to feel alive… or better yet, the way to feel alive had found him.  
Taylor Townsend was the last person he'd thought would give him a reason to wake up in the mornings. They'd hardly shared a relationship before Marissa's death, but spite that, the girl had seemed to have known him for all of her life. That had been the first silly little detail that had made him start falling in love with her: the way she'd read him.

The second thing that he'd found interesting was that she'd found something inside him that he'd thought was always going to be impossible for him to do, at least sincerely: she'd made him laugh. After Marissa's death, he'd hardly smiled, and all the glimpses of a possible smile being on his face were so… forced. But with her, it wasn't forced at all. And it wasn't just smiles on his face now, he was able to laugh with her…

The third thing that had caught his attention had been that, in spite of how pushy she could be sometimes, she'd given him time. Without saying it out loud, she'd given him time to sort out his still remaining feelings for Marissa and his new feelings for her by telling him that there was no need for them to be exclusive just yet.

One by one, silly little details like those had won over his heart and she'd become an important thing for him… an indispensable someone he needed, and wanted, by his side.

The more time he'd spent with her, the less he'd felt guilty about betraying Marissa's memory. At first, he'd been afraid of forgetting her completely, but with time he'd realized that she would've wanted him to be happy, and he'd been happy with Taylor. And he'd also realized that it was impossible for him to forget Marissa completely. She'd given him so much, and no matter how rocky and how crazy their ride had been… he'd never change a thing about it.

With Taylor he'd known that it was possible for him to be happy, something he'd never thought would happen in the past because it was like the end of the world was waiting to happen the minute he'd started feeling like everything fell into place. With Taylor he'd known the mystery of getting your life back on track after a tragedy… with Taylor he'd gained back hope… he'd gained back his reason for the journey.

But now, sitting there, thinking that maybe he was going to lose it all, all over again scared the hell out of him.

Now, he realized that the only way he'd survived through that kind of tragedy, had been because she'd saved him… she'd saved him from living like a zombie feeling like he was stuck in this life with no other place to go. She'd saved him from building up some crazy walls around himself and from alienating everyone that cared for him… she'd saved him from himself… from his loneliness.

One question started revolving around his mind right then and there: _"Who's gonna save me this time if I lose her too?"_

That thought, that fear, made everything around him starting to move faster and he felt like he was the one in slow motion now. That was the sensation he was going to feel for the rest of his life if she never survived this. He started feeling vulnerable… dizzy… sick… he had to get out of there!

Without realizing it, he just started walking faster and faster up to the point where he was running out of the hospital. He thought that the minute the fresh air would touch his skin he would feel just a little better but it was just the other way around. Once he felt the air running through his body all the thoughts about losing Taylor kicked up a gear… if that was even possible.

What if history was set to repeat itself this day? What if he was destined to live through it all again? Even though he'd never said it out loud, his heart knew that he loved Taylor more now than he'd loved Marissa when she died… and if that was painful… losing someone he loved even more… was going to be too much for him to handle. He couldn't face it… he just couldn't do it…  
He couldn't face losing the one and only girl that was made for him…! He just couldn't bare it!

He was hyperventilating and he leaned down a little with both hands on his knees trying desperately to breathe. Noticing he just wasn't going to do it… he just acted on his instincts and he actually faced the possibility of leaving the hospital entirely… just because he was afraid… and who could blame him?

Just when he was about to start running to definitely get out of there, he felt a heavy hand on his shoulders…

_"Hey man…",_ Seth said leaning a little to see his face. _"How're you holding up?"_

_"How do you think I'm holding up?"_ Ryan said with a touch of sarcasm while still breathing harder and closing his eyes a little.

_"Hey, just sit down, ok?"_ Seth said while grabbing his arm and guiding him to a bench. Ryan was just so overwhelmed that he let him do it.

After a while of sitting there without saying a word, Seth finally said: _"You ok?"_

_"No, not really"_ ,Ryan said breathing normally now as he started leaning his back forward so that his elbows were now on his knees and resting his face in his hands.

_"I mean about your breathing…",_ Seth said while he looked at how frustrated he was.

_"Well…",_ Ryan said after a sigh. _"About that, I'm fine now… that's the only thing that's fine now…"_

_"And that's why you almost left?",_ Seth said raising his eyebrows while a stunned Ryan looked at him. _"You can punch me if you want… but you were leaving…"_

Ryan just started looking a little pissed off and standing up he just told him: _"Don't go there Seth."_

As if he hadn't heard what Ryan had said, Seth just told him in a pretty serious matter: _"So you were just gonna leave her while she's having surgery?"_

_"Don't you dare judge me for that, ok? You don't get to judge me right now!"_ Ryan said while pointing a finger at him, totally and completely angry.

_"Why not?"_ Seth said completely cool looking straight into his eyes.

Seth's apparent coolness and the cocky tone he was using made Ryan a lot angrier and frustrated and he said relatively loud: _"'Cause you don't know what it's like to lose someone… you've always had it easy with Summer!"_

Ryan noticed how Seth started looking down in the ground, and he realized that it wasn't fair that he was taking it out on him so he just said: _"I'm sorry Seth, it's just that…"_

_"Hey, hey, hey",_ Seth said raising one of his hands indicating for Ryan to stop talking. _"It's ok… I'm cool… and you're right… I've never had to go through something like what you went through with Marissa or what you're going through now, and quite frankly I don't want to be in your shoes… I would've probably died already… you seem to be handling it pretty well",_ he finished saying with a half smile.

Ryan half smiled too and he sat back down next to Seth while he said: _"You're obviously not in my head."_

_"That bad, huh?"_ Seth said while he wrinkled his brow a little.

_"Worse",_ Ryan said while he sighed again.

_"So seriously…"_ Seth said a little hesitant about continuing, but he really wanted to know. _"Hope you don't go Kid Chino on my ass, but… you really want to leave…?"_

_"I don't know Seth…",_ Ryan said with his eyes looking at a spot somewhere in the horizon. _"I just… I felt like I had to get out of there…"_

_"Ok… I get that", _Seth said while he nodded slightly. _"But you leaving isn't going to stop you from going through this… you're already going through this… we all are."_

_"I know…",_ Ryan said while looking at Seth.

_"The only question is… Do you want to go through this alone like when you did with Marissa?"_ Seth said still looking at him with a lower voice.

_"I don't know if I can do it again…",_ Ryan said while losing his eyes again somewhere in the distance.

_"You don't have to…",_ Seth said patting his shoulder a little

_"No, I don't mean going through this alone…",_ Ryan said while he removed Seth's hand from his shoulder. _"I mean I'm not sure if I can do this at all… being there, facing the possibility that she may actually not wake up…"_

_"I see…",_ Seth said while he looked down at the ground and got to his feet. _"Then the question is… Do you really see yourself not being there?"_ And with that, he started entering the hospital again.

As Ryan heard Seth saying that, he actually felt a cold shiver down his spine. Yes, with Marissa it had been hurtful, painful; torturous… it had been the only moment so far in his life where he'd actually wished he had died… but he'd stayed there… by her side until the very end. Marissa had died in his arms feeling safe, loved… and Taylor was there, alone… that didn't seem right!

All of the sudden he realized that no matter what the outcome would be, he actually couldn't see himself not being around her… not being there… Yes, if things came to the worst he was going to be devastated, more than devastated, but he was going to feel even more devastated if she'd die and he wasn't there. This was the love of his life… the one and only girl for him in the entire universe and he needed to be there, even if it would hurt…

He stood up and started walking over to Seth and placing a hand on his shoulder, with a half smile, he said: _"When did you become so wise?"_

_"Well,"_ Seth said with a half smile, glad that he'd at least gotten through to him, _"being the son of Sandy Cohen had to pay off eventually… no matter what you do or how much you want to run away from them… those genes just keep catching you... it's inevitable!"_

Once he was back inside, he still felt powerless… but at least this time he knew he was going to stay there… he loved her enough to do so.

Time wasn't passing any faster, in fact it was equally slow… but now he wasn't seeing time as his enemy… he was seeing every second as an opportunity to decide that he was gonna keep being there. The anguish and desperation kept growing by the second, and every time he thought he'd reached his limit and felt like he needed to go away from there again, he started remembering her, her smile… her voice… all the times she'd been there for him… right there, waiting…

She had a way of doing things… doing exactly what he needed. She knew the exact moments when she needed to push him a little so he could start doing something, and she also knew the moments when she needed to wait… which, given the nature of his temper and how slow he was on certain things, was almost every time.

She'd waited for him to feel something after Marissa had died, she'd waited for them to be exclusive, she'd waited for him to say he loved her, she'd waited for him to dare to propose… she'd waited, and waited for him… and he was sure that almost every time, she must've felt the same anguish and desperation he was feeling now… especially since she was a tornado… always used to getting her way, to get exactly what she wanted, at the moment she wanted it… on her own terms…

But she'd done it… she'd waited… for him. And while waiting… she'd done more for him than he would've ever had thought of…

She'd given him so much… so many things he wasn't ever gonna be able to put into words and if the only way he was gonna get to thank her for it… was being there waiting, just like she'd waited there in complete silence during all those episodes in his life… being there until she died… then he was gonna do it… no matter how painful it would get.

Sitting there, totally worried by the storm in front of him, but at the same time… with a weird sense of peace… he just said, in between sighs, only for himself to hear:

_"I'm here… waiting… just… right here…"_


	17. My Reason Is You

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Only two more and that's it! Please leave your reviews! I need them to survive!!! Especial thanks to Tay (forgottenMisfit) and Ave (Avecia) for reviewing constantly throughout the story. This one's for you guys! As always... Sandra, you're the best. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't share my ideas with you. You're awesome and you're one of the best friends I have... I love you :)_

_Enjoy guys!_

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**Chapter 17**

After four hours of uncertainty… Taylor's doctor finally came out. Once again, Ryan felt a sudden rush of fear coursing through his veins… he was trying to read the doctors expressions but he wasn't able to.

Once again Ryan felt as if the world started going by in slow motion… he just wanted to know if she was ok… he was hoping for her to be ok!

Everyone surrounded him and he felt Kirsten's hand in his shoulder. He was so scared and his only reflex was to put his hand on top of Kirsten's and squeeze it.

_"She's lost a lot of blood…"_ Were the doctor's words, and then… he just kinda stopped.

Ryan squeezed Kirsten's hand harder as he started looking down at the floor. Again, everything was moving in slow motion and his head started spinning… he was afraid of the next words that would come out of the doctor's mouth. Was he going to give them the 'we-did-everything we could'-speech? Was he really meant to live through it all again? Was he really meant to hold her lifeless body just like he'd held Marissa's?

The seconds before the doctor's next words felt like a lifetime… more than a million thoughts went through his head in less than a second and he sort of felt his heart stop beating until he heard the doctor's next words…

_"But we were able to fix the damages…"_

It was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over Ryan's head. He actually closed his eyes, and as he felt Kirsten holding him, he breathed calmly for the first time during those hours. For the first time he felt that life was back inside his body and that he was gonna get _another _chance… and he couldn't help but to feel thankful… He was just so thankful and so happy that he couldn't even ask anything, and Summer, looking at him and noticing he was kinda somewhere else, asked: _"So can we see her?"_

_"Well… for now, it would be best if only one would be in the room. You can take turns if you want, but I must warn you… she's attached to a lot of wires, but she can breathe on her own… and that's a good thing…",_ the doctor finished with an encouraging smile that everyone else returned, except for Ryan. He just started thinking again… and returning back to reality, he asked the other question that he needed to know after knowing she'd made it through: _"When's she waking up?"_

The doctor's smiled vanished for a moment, a moment that apparently only Ryan noticed before he heard him say: _"Well, since she doesn't seem to have a serious head injury, which makes her very lucky since the car crash was really bad, it depends… it could be in two hours… it could be a day… it could be a month… It's up to her now."_

_"So comas just keep chasing this family", _Seth said in a lower voice thinking no one had heard him. _"First Trey, then Taylor and Ryan and now Taylor again… it must be some kind of curse…"_

_"Shut up Cohen!"_ Summer said between her teeth while she slapped his arm really hard, causing Ryan and everyone else look at them.

_"I'm sorry…"_ Seth said while rubbing his arm while looking at a really not pleased Ryan. _"The moment was just so tense and you know how I can't stand uncomfortable silences so, you know I tried to clear the air and… you're giving me the death glare, so I guess I'll go over there and see if the nurses need my help with something, or just get away from here before you kill me…" _

_"Yeah, you do that babe… just go over there and look pretty",_ Summer said while pushing Seth away from there.

_"Anyway…",_ the doctor said while taking his attention off of Seth's ramble and finally looking at everyone else in front of him. _"As you probably should know if what I just heard is true… it's better if you talk to her… that might stimulate her or better yet… does she have a favorite book? You can read to her…"_

_"Yeah… I have a copy of her favorite book in my place",_ Ryan said suddenly feeling a little excited. _"I can go and look for it right now…"_

_"Yeah… and I can stay with her until you get back",_ Summer said finishing his sentence. Noticing he was a little reluctant, Summer continued in a low voice and touching his arm a little. _"I'll call you right away if she happens to wake up… I promise."_

By giving Summer a half smile as a form of approval, he headed out of the hospital and started driving as fast as he could to get to his house so he would be right back there as soon as possible. He actually couldn't believe that he'd been about to leave her just a few hours earlier. Right now, he just wanted to be with her… he wanted to be the first person she'd see once she woke up…

He noticed it was gonna be time to be at work soon so he called the office and said he wasn't gonna be there that day, he was gonna stay with Taylor. He'd left her for his job in the past and he wasn't going to do it again, not now that he'd been so close to losing her.

Right now, the only thing in his mind was her… Those happy moments they'd shared together in the beginning, all the times she'd whispered something in his ear, the way she made him get butterflies in his stomach… the look that had sealed the deal, that had said so much more than actual words would've been able to at Seth and Summer's wedding. The moment his eyes had connected with hers, he'd kinda felt how her name was being carved inside his heart. She was the owner… the only one he'd devote his life to… and she'd told him with those beautiful hazel eyes the same thing…

Once he got inside the apartment, he started looking for the book as quickly as possible and when he finally found it… he looked through the pages and found the note… Not feeling ready to read it just yet, he got out the same way he'd gone in, and left for the hospital again…

The drive back there had been just as quick, but a little more broody. He was starting to feel guilty again… and he was starting to wonder _that _again…

He went to her room at the hospital… and as he looked in through the window, he saw Summer sitting there… her lips were moving and she was holding her hand.

That was the moment he saw her… and his heart just crumbled… She looked so… so hurt. So… so shattered… In spite that she only had one cut on the right side of her forehead and it was dressed with gauze, she looked so broken… maybe he was seeing what she'd felt driving that car around the night before…

He was so lost in looking at her that he barely noticed when Summer got out and said, talking really low: _"Hey… did you find it?"_

Without taking his gaze off of Taylor he just raised his hand for Summer to look at the book. Summer started looking at her too and she just said: _"I see…"_

After a few minutes of looking at Taylor through the little cold window, Summer just said almost whispering: _"She went there to dump him… Matt…"_

Ryan, feeling completely surprised, took his eyes away from Taylor's body and met Summer's eyes and she said: _"I figured you were gonna ask yourself that sooner or later…"  
_While he smiled, a sad smile, he just returned his eyes back onto Taylor and said: _"She's been teaching you how to read my mind, hasn't she?"_

_"No…"_ Summer said while she looked back at Taylor too. _"She just mentioned you said she left to be with Matt… don't worry, she's the only one who can tell what you feel… you'll always remain a mystery to me."_

_"Ah! The Atwood charm!"_ he said with his eyes still lost in Taylor on the other side of the window. _"Did she also mention how much she hates my guts and what a jerk I am?"_

_"She doesn't hate you!"_ Summer said still whispering, almost touched to see how bad he was feeling. _"She actually said she loves you…"_

_"I don't know if that should make me feel relieved or guiltier…",_ Ryan said as he felt a hole forming in his heart. _"I doubted her, and I was even asking myself why she'd left when Seth went to pick me up… and she still managed to tell you she loved me before she had the accident…"_

_"She's definitely something else…",_ Summer said looking at him, then looking at the love of his life…

_"She's one of a kind…",_ Ryan said with a deep look in his eyes… lost in his memories of her and how she'd proved to him that she was unique…

_"I guess I should leave you with your 'one of a kind' then…",_ Summer said while she turned a little to face him.

Ryan only managed to nod and started heading to the door. He suddenly felt the heavy burden of guilt and as he placed his hand on the door knob, he almost felt like he was about to have a panic attack… Summer noticed it and just blurted out: _"Relieved."_

_"I'm sorry, what?"_ Ryan said as he turned his head to see Summer.

_"Relieved… You said you didn't know if knowing she loves you should make you feel relieved or guiltier… it should make you feel relieved."_

Ryan only smiled and looked down at the floor… and as he finally dared to turn the door knob, he just said: _"Thanks Roberts… for everything…"_

As soon as he sat down on that chair… he noticed that from up close, she looked a lot more… fragile, vulnerable… He realized that in spite of how tough she seemed to be, she was just that… vulnerable.

Seeing her like that, he realized that physically, this was the first time, and hopefully the last one, he'd seen her so hurt, but emotionally… that was another story. She had the same expression she had on her face every time she'd gone to sleep after they'd had a fight in the past. She had that slight wrinkle around her eyes that Ryan recognized from all those times when Taylor had kept her eyes shut while she was crying; trying not to make any sounds for Ryan to sleep 'peacefully'… but what she'd never known was that on the other side of the bed, Ryan had heard every silent sob.

It was then, Ryan realized, that she was his little gift from heaven… that he'd taken for granted one too many times… so many times, that it had taken almost losing her to understand the deepness of her love for him and how much he loved her… It was then that he realized that love indeed was enough… there was no need to give it a reason, there was no need to try to comprehend it… it just was. It had always been enough… he'd just lost the sight of it.

One by one the hours kept passing… and he never took his eyes off of her. He was so lost in her every breath that he didn't even feel tired at all… he understood the meaning of the phrase: "I can stay like this looking at you for the rest of my life". He just never left her side. Not even when the nurses tried to keep him out… he just wasn't gonna let anyone get in between them… he had to stay there… he had to let her know that he was there… yes, it had taken him too long to be there one hundred percent but he was there nonetheless… and the only way for her to know that was if she woke up and he was there.

It was almost midnight now, and he was feeling anxious… Anxious of telling her everything he'd realized since she'd been 'asleep'. He was aware of the fact that she could ask him to leave once she saw him there, and it would be completely understandable… but she needed to know everything… everything he'd been feeling… everything he'd been thinking… every ounce of guilt he had in his body while he'd opened the note just an hour earlier… just how much his soul had coiled up as he'd let the memory play up in front of his eyes…

------------

_They'd been there, lying naked, feeling each other's sweaty skin in the complete stillness of that evening… in the sleeper car. It was then when he'd picked up the habit of holding her so close, of savoring the feeling of how wonderfully her head fitted on his chest and how much his fingers belonged in her hair. The rush of adrenaline he'd felt while she delicately ran her fingernails across his stomach in complete silence was still imprinted in his head and it probably always would be. Knowing he had to be out of there in less than twenty minutes was painful. He'd just won her back and he never wanted to let go… He felt in there, in that little place… in that bed… that his love for her had reached a whole new level… and for the first time in his life, he'd given a girl not only his body, but his heart too… and the scary, yet exciting part of it all, was that he wasn't scared at all. It fitted. It clicked… it belonged… but, as an Atwood cliché… just when he'd finally felt like everything was right, he had to let go… and he hadn't wanted to. _

_She'd started reading his mind again and she'd sighed. Feeling her sad sigh while he'd rested his hand on her back, had made him instinctively pull her even closer while he gave her a kiss on the head.  
She'd started kissing his chest… which almost drove him to the edge of pure heartbreak, knowing that it was gonna be the last time they were gonna be like this… at least for a couple of months… or perhaps even more. As he'd felt her breath and her lips start going up… he'd just closed his eyes… she'd been doing it slowly… almost as if she'd been about to get out of the bed and start dressing up and he hadn't wanted her to do that, but at the same time it had felt so good… And he'd started biting his lip when he'd felt her breath stop as her lips had reached the crossroad between his shoulders and his neck, and he'd heard her whisper his name so… sweetly, yet…sadly. He hadn't been able to handle it anymore and he too had had to sigh as he'd said: _"I know."

"God…I don't want you to leave! I don't wanna leave!"_ She'd said just like a little girl about to throw a tantrum. _"Stupid France! Stupid Sorbonne! Stupid, stupid Frenchmen! I hate everything there! I hate it!"

_He'd smiled a little when he'd seen her face and in that moment, he couldn't help but to raise her head with his index finger and kiss her lips so… slowly. He'd pulled away slightly, just enough to look her straight in her eyes, and pulling a strand of hair away from her forehead, he'd smiled and said:_ "No… you don't."

"I hate that it doesn't have you!"_ she'd said while she'd kissed him again so fiercely… and they'd both felt the fire starting to heat up again and Ryan, although he'd hated himself for it, had had to pull away, and so crumbled, he'd said: _"Taylor, you keep kissing me like that and I'm never getting out of here…"

"That's… exactly… what… I… want…", _she'd said so sexily while kissing his neck that he'd had to close his eyes, partially in pleasure, partially in gaining strength to actually get out of there._

"Taylor…",_ he'd said moaning a little._

"Mmmhmmm?" _she'd mumbled still kissing him, knowing what he'd been about to say, but having hoped to bewitch him enough to dissuade him from saying it._

"I have to go",_ he'd said and he'd regretted it when he stopped feeling her lips on his skin._

_She'd looked at him and she'd smiled at him sadly. It'd broken his heart to see her sitting up and starting to look for her clothes and handing his to him… He'd sat on the bed next to her, and while she'd kept looking at their clothes on the floor, he'd started kissing her shoulders while passing his hands across her bare and exposed back as he'd whispered: _"I love you so much…"

"I love you too…",_ she'd said whispering too and shifting her body a little to face him. She'd cupped his face with one hand while she'd kissed his lips so nostalgically… that she'd had to pull away… and Ryan knew it'd been because if she'd stayed there kissing him, she'd been about to start crying…_

_He'd connected his forehead with hers while he'd looked at her… her eyes had closed trying to fight back the tears._

"I know this is not gonna help…"_ he'd said while he'd cupped her face with both of his hands, and when she'd felt his hands on her face, she'd opened her eyes really slowly. _"But, I can't imagine starting college without you… I want you there with me… but I guess it's not fair to ask you to leave what you have there… 'cause it doesn't matter how much you say you hate it right now… you like it there… I can see it. If I could… I would ask you to stay."

_Exactly like he'd said… that hadn't helped. He'd done one of the things her heart had wished secretly… he'd asked her to stay. But she'd also known she couldn't do it… if she would've had, sooner of later they'd started resenting each other. As much as it had hurt, they'd needed to take the college ride on their own. Taylor had managed to hold back the tears and she'd said: _"If I could… I would say yes."

_Knowing that she would've left everything for him was enough… and he'd just held on to her… he'd kissed her and he'd held her for what had felt like hours…_

"You keep doing and saying things like that and I might actually stay…",_ she'd said while smiling a little, trying to be funny just to stop feeling sad…_

"What can I say? It's a phenomenon that only happens around you…",_ he'd said pulling away and smiling a little, completely understanding what she was trying to do…_

"Aww! Ryan, stop that!",_ she'd said while leaning her head down and smiling. _"I'm fighting real hard not to cry here!"

"I'm sorry…", _he'd said looking at the floor too, laughing a little… _"Ok, it's your turn to say something cheesy."

"Well…",_she'd said while she'd started standing up, dragging one of the bed sheets with her to cover her body while she'd walked around the tiny room. _"I'm not saying something cheesy right now… Here it is!" _She'd said finding what she was looking for._

"Have I told you you're beautiful?"_ he'd said while he'd leaned his head to the side a little to look at her completely naked back while she'd leaned over, looking at what her hands had been holding… a piece of paper carefully folded._

"As a matter of fact you have…",_ she'd said while blushing a little and sitting back down with him on the bed and kissing him once more. _"As I was saying before you said another one of your 'phenomenons'… I'm not saying something cheesy now… I'm saying something cheesy once you're in your dorm in Berkeley…", _she'd finished saying while she'd given him the piece of paper…_

"What is this?"_ Ryan'd asked taking the paper in his hands and looking at it, then at Taylor._

"It's my will… I figured I might die without you in France…",_ she'd said really serious, and when she'd noticed he'd raised his eyebrow, she'd known he hadn't liked that, so she'd said smiling a little. _"I'm kidding… It's a letter… I wrote you that last night… I want you to read it once you're in your dorm… not sooner… not later… is that clear?"

"I don't know if I can wait that long",_ he'd said wrinkling his forehead a little but still smiling. _"You've made it sound so interesting."

"Ryan…",_ she'd said with a pleading voice while she'd leaned a little closer to him. _"Please promise me you'll read it once you're in your dorm… please… pretty please? Please….?"

"I'd do anything for you…",_ he'd said while he'd kissed her again. _"In fact, I'm treasuring this just as you're treasuring my attempt of a poem…"

"Thanks…",_ she'd said while she'd rested her head on his chest again… _"I love you…"

----------------

_Time had passed by and he'd finally been in his dorm in Berkeley… it'd been a hectic day with all the moving things and all the excitement of a new life there… He'd finished everything and he'd been free at last, at least until the next day. He'd been looking forward to that moment of the day for so long… he'd known it was the only missing piece of the puzzle to actually feel like everything was fine: reading Taylor's letter. He'd carefully unfolded the paper and he'd actually been able to smell her scent… her perfume… and he'd let himself sink in the words of the love of his life:_

"Hi, Ryan!

Today you're starting your life in college… and I guess you're excited and a little freaked out. You wouldn't be you if it wasn't like that. I don't wanna sound like I know everything… 'cause you know that I don't. But I do know you're scared and excited because that's exactly what I'm feeling when I'm writing this to you, only for a different reason.

My reason right now, is you.

See, I was a little freaked out because I don't know where exactly we stand right now. I know once I saw you in the airport, I fell in love with you again… although I realized that I had never really stopped. I never stopped Ryan… From the exact moment I fell in love with you until this very day… you've always been on my mind.

Tomorrow I have to go back to France and I don't know if we are officially back together or not. That's the freaking out part. I know you still feel something for me because of the way you kissed me before the wedding… but we're both facing a whole new life… and for the first time in my life, I'm feeling like what I've been looking for all along was right there where I left it. It's you. And that's enough for me… that's the exciting part.

The thing is that, not knowing what's gonna happen with us makes me a little nervous, 'cause you know, I need to have everything figured out… but I realized something today too.

Some people say love is only a combination of feelings you get when you see someone… and with time, those feelings die slowly and hurtfully. I don't agree with that. Love is a choice you make everyday. You wake up in the mornings and subconsciously, you decide if you're gonna let love die or not. Some people hide behind the excuse that they stopped feeling butterflies in their stomach, or that they stopped thinking about the other person… but deep inside, they know they were the ones who let love die once they stopped choosing… I realized I don't want that to happen so...

Right now… I'm choosing you. I'm choosing to love you until the end of time… I'm choosing to love you with every bit of energy I have inside of me no matter what happens… no matter if we're together or not… I'm loving you right here, right now… and for ever.

So, while you're there, looking at those four walls surrounding you, feeling nervous and probably overwhelmed about facing life on your own… know that I'm probably thinking of you, choosing to love you, because I know I can't exist without doing so…

I loved you… I love you… and I'll always will…

Yours eternally,

Taylor"

----------------

Now, he was sitting there, holding her hand in his, and somehow hoping she would squeeze it just like he'd done that Christmukkah when they'd both fallen of the ladder.

He couldn't believe he'd forgotten what she'd said in that letter. She'd made it very clear that he was always going to be in her heart… Only that _"yours eternally"_ was enough to confirm that no one, not even the amazing Matt was gonna take her away from him…

He was anxious because he needed to tell her that he loved her too… that he couldn't exist without doing so…

He desperately wanted her to wake up so he could tell her that… so he could tell her all the things he'd wanted to say and that he'd never dared to say… His heart started beating faster and faster… and he leaned in and he kissed her hand… Feeling her skin on his lips was so desperately beautiful that he just put his forehead on top of their intertwined hands and whispered… _"Taylor, baby, you have to wake up."_

Suddenly all the memories hit him hard again and he started feeling his blood pounding in his neck, on his wrists, on his head… he felt as if his heart was gonna get out of his chest. But then it stopped…

He felt how she started wiggling her fingers and he immediately raised his head to look at her face… and slowly… he witnessed how her eyes, slowly fluttered open…

There it was… his moment…. He'd been thinking about it for so long… and he was about to say something when she looked his way… and almost as a whisper… a really low whisper that only he could hear… she said: _"Hi"_

His heart melted with excitement and nervousness… the same feeling he'd felt that night in his dorm… but only it wasn't because he was facing life on his own… he'd finally understood what she'd been feeling while writing the letter… his reason was her now…

And all he managed to say was… _"Hey you…"_


	18. Never Letting Go

_**Author's note:** So guys, here it is the chapter before the ending. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, leave your reviews 'cause I love hearing from you guys! Especially now that this little piece of my heart is ending... anyways... here it goes..._

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**Chapter 18**

Everything had been black. She'd seemed to be locked up inside somewhere where she couldn't see anything and that feeling, that feeling of loneliness and darkness… had started unsettling her.

She'd been trying so hard to open her eyes but it had been costing her. She'd been feeling like her eyelids were weighing way too much. It was torturous… the sensation of having your mind aware of what's around you but not being able to do anything about it…

She'd started feeling trapped… and she'd tried to remember where the hell she was… why she was feeling like that… and then, she'd remembered…

She hadn't been able to remember much right then, but she'd remembered feeling desperate and her whole body aching because of the car's wreck pressing her…

Suddenly she'd really wanted to open her eyes… the survival instinct had kicked in and she'd needed to know she was alive… it didn't matter where she was, as long as she could open her eyes and see, the sun… the sky… something that indicated that she was in fact in this world.

And then… as a ray of sunlight, a miracle had happened that told her she was ok… or if she wasn't ok… she was going to be… She'd felt a set of lips on her left hand. It'd been a unique feeling that'd sent a vibe all the way through her body. There was only one person on the planet that could make her feel like this, even in the state she was in. But as if another miracle… she'd heard his voice…

It'd sounded far away, but at the same time, so close… His voice had been thick and anxious… weary and desperate… but it had brought a sense of peace to her to listen to him, even if it felt far away in the distance…As an echo… she'd heard him say: _"Taylor, baby, you have to wake up…"_

Those weren't a lot of words, in fact, there was a little word in there that surprised her a little… but he'd sounded so pleading… so aching… so… alone. She'd understood then that he'd been afraid and desperate for a while now; maybe even as desperate as she'd been feeling for those brief seconds… afraid and desperate for her. That much she could tell from only listening to those few words even if they sounded so far away. Her muscles had started waking up and she'd started feeling some serious, but still bearable pain, but hadn't mattered… all she'd wanted was for him to know that he wasn't alone… that there was no need for him to feel desperate anymore.

Suddenly she'd felt another weight in her left hand and then it'd hit her… The only way for him not to feel alone anymore was if she'd manage to move her hand. And as much as it had felt like she was lifting two thousand pounds, she'd finally managed to move her fingers enough to get his attention.

Then she'd tried again to open her eyes… and miraculously, this time she'd been able to do it.

Her vision had been very blurry at first… but once she'd gotten a clear sight of his face… she hadn't been able to help but to feel relieved… just by looking at him… her wish had been granted: she'd felt alive.

She'd wanted to do so much… she'd wanted to say how grateful she'd been for his presence there, in what she'd now realized was a hospital room. But her body had only given her the opportunity to whisper a really crumbled: _"Hi…"_

The sight of his chest rising slowly and breathing out the same way, had made her realize that it was ok… she'd managed to say enough for him to feel calmed. And he'd just said, with a smile on his face: _"Hey you…"_

Now they were there, looking at each other's eyes for what felt like a lifetime. It was always that way with them… they always shared what other couples would consider an uncomfortable silence, but with them, it was nothing but a delicious moment. Those silences always spoke even louder than a thousand words could…

She finally dared to speak, 'cause quite frankly, the little word from earlier had intriged her… and even though it wasn't much of her voice what was being in the air… it was more of a silent whisper, she said: _"So you're calling me baby now? I must be dying."_

_"You really shouldn't be talking…",_ he said while he leaned in and kissed her hand again.

_"I'm…",_ she said trying to sit back on the bed… but she stopped dead. The pain from earlier… wasn't so bearable now… She closed her eyes really hard and she felt how Ryan rose from the chair as quick as a lighting to see if she was ok, _"…fine…"_

_"No, you're not…",_ he said while he turned a little to go out of the room and call someone.

_"Ryan, really…",_ she said while she held on as hard as she could to his hand, which stopped him and he started looking at his hand in hers. _"I'm ok… apparently I just wanted to move way too fast."_

_"You sure, honey?"_ he said while he looked at her with these concerned eyes she'd never seen before.

_"Yeah…",_ she said still whispering and smiling at him.

She actually saw how his face softened when he looked at her smile… she could see that he wasn't completely convinced, but he squeezed her hand and sat back down on the chair.

_"So, it's honey now? Again… I must be dying… really",_ she said still lost in his eyes and giving him a smile.

He sighed a little and smiled back at her while he said: _"No… you're not dying… there was a moment when I thought you were… but you're fine now…"_

She saw a glimpse of the same desperation that she'd sensed earlier in his voice, go through his eyes. And then it hit her… He'd been terribly scared… Only God knew how much time he'd been inside that hospital completely freaking out about losing her. Oh My God! She'd made him go through that same fear again! She'd tortured him into living the same thing he'd lived eight years ago! God Only knows what kinda memories had been awoken that day… and all because of her! She started breathing a little faster and she saw how his eyes went from sad to alert in the blink of an eye, when he noticed she was starting to get agitated…

_"Oh God, Ryan, I'm sorry…",_ she said while wrinkling her brow a little and looking extremely concerned. _"You must've gone crazy… I'm so sorry."_

_"No, Taylor… I'm the one who's sorry…",_ he said as he leaned closer to her face.

Finally, everything came to her mind. Ashleigh, the kiss, the fight, the call to Summer, the crash… she remembered absolutely everything and the slight smile that was on her lips, kinda went away… She stopped looking at his eyes and looked somewhere else, while she said sadly: _"Ryan…"_

_"There's so much I need to tell you",_ he'd said noticing she wasn't looking at him. _"So many things I need to explain…"_

_"Ryan… it doesn't matter, ok?!"_ she'd said a little bit louder and with a confused look on her face… _"I'm just…"_

Suddenly, she felt how he finally broke the remaining gap between them and captured her lips in a kiss. She couldn't help but to respond to that kiss… it was as if in that moment, she'd forgotten about the still remaining pain left in her body and she let herself go… she'd let herself surrender to the mind-blowing effect his lips had over her. It was a quick kiss… like those kisses he'd given her back in the past, just right before he went to work. Those kisses that seem like a habit… a habit you can get used to and eventually you see yourself doing it for the rest of your life… It'd been quick but it felt like one of the most passionate kisses they'd ever shared. And as he pulled back just enough to see her face, he said: _"I need to tell you this…"_

She was so bewitched by him that, without even noticing it, she just found herself nodding and looking at him… at those deep eyes of his that were so wonderful…

_"I'm sorry… I'm sorry for everything… I'm sorry for causing you so much pain two years ago. I don't have that many regrets, but if there's one thing I regret, is not going after you that night when you gave me the ring back… 'cause that's when all this mess started",_ he said while he looked down at the floor for a second and then at her… _"I'm sorry it took me so long to remember why it is I love you… and I'm sorry for not going to France to be with you… I'm incredibly sorry for that…"_

_"Ry..",_ she said but was stopped by his index finger placed on her lips.

_"But what I regret the most… is ever doubting you… I was so blind thinking that maybe you were going to be with somebody else that I never really stopped myself to see how silly and crazy that was. I was so afraid of losing you… and I just lost it. I didn't kiss Ashleigh as a way to get back at you… I kissed her because… it sounds like a lie I know, but she said something you told me a long time ago… and I started seeing you… I should've told you that the minute I saw you… I should've done a lot of things while you were there, crying… but I screwed things up again… and I ended up hurting you once more. And I'm sorry… I'm soo sorry…", _he'd said while he gave her a kiss on the forehead.

_"I know… I…",_ she managed to say before he interrupted her again.

_"Please don't read me, Tay…",_ he said with a half smile while he passed his fingers through her hair. _"Let me say this… I need to say this."_

He took in a deep breath and he continued: _"You know what bothered me the most since the moment I knew you were in here, even before that? I started thinking a lot of things… and they all started with your famous 'If only'… I realized that there were so many things I wish I'd done and facing the possibility that I might not ever get the chance to do them… made my heart break… and I realized that if I ever got another chance to be with you… I was never going to screw it up. You told me once that there are moments in everyone's life, and if we let them slip away, they're gone for ever… I've let too many of those moments pass… and I don't wanna do it anymore. I don't want to keep living my life with room for 'If only'… not when it comes to you… 'Cause you're my everything… my whole world… and without realizing it… or without any intention for it… you just saved me again today… I know that what you're probably gonna tell me is something like: 'Get the hell out of here because you kissed someone else'… but you know what? As I was watching you sleep during the whole day… I noticed I could spend the rest of my life here, in this chair, waiting for you to wake up as long as I could get the chance to look at you. And now, that you've woken up… and I'm seeing those beautiful eyes of yours, looking at you is not enough. I need to be with you… I can't spend my life without you, so it doesn't matter if you want me away from you now… I'm not leaving you. I'm in love with you Taylor… I'm always gonna love you… so you're kinda stuck with me… I was so close to actually losing you… that I'm never letting you go again… I'm never… letting… you… go… again…",_ he'd finished saying those final words in between kisses and then he kept being there… looking at her eyes.

He'd managed to do it again… he'd managed to shut her up. He'd managed to leave her speechless… without anything to say. Since the minute he'd started talking, she'd known he was gonna say something romantic… but she'd never expected for it to be like this… He didn't use any fancy words, he didn't quote Shakespeare… he didn't say something magnificent… but at the same time… he did.

Ryan wasn't a guy who could express himself freely… yes, he'd changed over the years, and he'd been able to talk more about his feelings when he was around her… but never like this.

He'd been talking so slowly, calmly… completely in control of his emotions… To everyone else it would've seemed like he'd practiced that for a day or two, but Taylor knew better… he'd just come up with everything he'd said… which made everything a lot more beautiful. He'd said more words just then than he'd said probably during his entire life just because of her… and it was wonderful… so simply wonderful.

The way those words came springing right out of him made her realize that everything he was saying was way beyond true. He'd made his share of mistakes, that was certain… but he'd never stopped loving her… just as she hadn't stopped loving him in spite of his mistakes…

That's the thing about love… you love someone even though you know every single detail about them… even though you know their darkest secrets… those secrets don't scare you away… they just keep drawing you back in… and that was the way they were.

She was so touched and so excited that she felt a knot in her throat… she just couldn't speak…

He started feeling a little nervous and he'd said smiling while he stroked her cheeks with his thumb: _"So, now you can say what you were trying to say…"_

_"So… first you call me baby, then honey… then Tay, and then you start rambling a lot of things that actually make sense, which is weird since you haven't rambled a thing since I've met you, but still… when I think it can't get any better, you finish up with that…? Who are you and what have you done with Ryan?",_ she said smiling and pressing her face against his hand… something she always loved to do…

He sighed and he laughed a little while he looked at the floor… and then he said: _"Phenomenon's, remember? They only happen around you… but, seriously… anything you want to say?"_

_"I was just trying to say…",_ she'd said while she kept looking in his eyes deeply. _"I'm just glad you're here…"_

That was all that needed to be said… that was it… It was just that simple. She'd managed to see what he'd missed the night before… she'd seen that he'd been there for God knows how long… he'd been there at her side… he'd stayed there… and that was reason enough for her to know he loved her…

Yes, when she'd gotten out of the apartment that night two years ago, she'd wondered if he still loved her… after those two weeks of waiting on Seth and Summer's place, waiting for him to go looking for her or for him to do something… she'd been devastated because she'd thought he actually didn't love her anymore. He'd done absolutely nothing for two years and she'd lost all hope.

But then, after the whole Matt debacle, and the whole 'apartment-airport' thing, she'd realized that he'd never stopped loving her at all. He'd been missing her in silence the same way her own heart had been aching for him during those two years… He'd always loved her… he hadn't been able to let go of her just like she hadn't been able to let go of him. They'd both tried, they'd both tried with everything they had inside them, but their love was so powerful that it didn't listen to any 'argument' reason had to say…

They'd shared an emotionally charged kiss five days ago now, a kiss that had made her fly away to France to leave the only thing that was holding them back… and she'd found herself looking at him kissing someone else when she'd returned.

That had hurt… it had been an inexplicable feeling of hurt… it seemed as though she'd never get her happily ever after with Ryan and that had broken her heart more than anything else would've…

But none of that mattered… because he was there now…

They say that when you're in a hospital you truly get to know how people feel about you… And what he felt was love.

It didn't matter if he'd kissed Ashleigh… she didn't need to hear that explanation because he was there… the way he'd kissed her, lying there in that hospital bed had proven to her that those lips of his weren't his at all… she owned them. Yes, kissing Ashleigh had been a mistake… but she could sense that in those quick, and yet so emotional kisses, he'd felt a whole new level of passion, love, deepness and wholesome that he'd never showed during those brief seconds he'd been kissing Ashleigh… and that was enough for her.

Truthfully, she hadn't need to hear him say all those things… because she knew how to read his actions… there wasn't a thing that she couldn't figure out about him… she always thought about him and she wanted him to be happy… that was what always made her able to read his mind… to know every single aspect of his fears, of his emotions… to know the deepness and profoundness of his heart…

Then he understood… and he finally leaned in… he leaned in to do the thing that they'd both wanted to do during those four days. Knowing she couldn't move that much, he leaned practically all the way through, leaving only a little space for her to finish the journey. He saw those pink lips heading his way and he was almost able to feel them on his… he was breathing her air and he was sensing the scent of her skin, but for some reason she wasn't kissing him yet. He started looking at her knowing that she wasn't frightened, he could know that from looking deep into her eyes… It was just that she had been waiting for this for so long that she wanted to taste every single second of it, she wanted to remember every moment because this…

This felt all kinds of different… for her and for him as well… it was a feeling similar to the one Ryan had been feeling earlier… the feeling were you're running and running… They both realized that they'd felt they were running their whole lives. They'd just been running the wrong direction. For him, it'd been his job… his so called dream. For her… it'd been France… she'd always ran away to France.

They'd both spent their lives running, trying to catch up with something that had never been as important as each other… running towards something that didn't have any meaning without each other's presence… They'd run desperately, and all they'd done had been getting further and further away from the precious love that had been waiting for them all along…

But this time they weren't running away anymore… They were both running towards that love that'd been there in the exact spot they'd left it. And they were both able to get a hold of it… of each other…

They were each other's reason… and they both finally saw… it had been that way all along…

Then… as if magic had happened… their lips connected.

Taylor felt his hands on her face and a strong charge of adrenaline started flowing through her body. She found herself exhaling desperately, not even realizing she'd held her breath. She took a deep breath and smiled. All the wounds and mistakes had been erased; everything was just the way it was supposed to be. That overwhelming and exhilarating sense of completion made her pull back from the kiss just a little, and still breathing the same air as Ryan, she just whispered the words she hadn't told anyone else in her whole life. She whispered the words that, she realized, she wasn't going to be able to say to anyone else, because certainly, no one could ever make her feel like Ryan did… The moment desperately asked for those words, and she certainly knew Ryan was waiting for them too. So with her heart finally happy with the way things had turned out, she said the most emotionally charged words in the whole world: _"I love you… Ryan… I just… do."_

Even though they were in a hospital, surrounded by tragedy and a lot of mixed up emotions… they were also surrounded by miracles… surrounded by the feeling of change… He was her true love… that was for sure… and she confirmed it again when he kissed her back…and said: _"I love you… and I don't ever wanna lose you."_

It was then… the moment their lips connected once more… that she could actually put a name to what it was she was feeling…

Oh yes… this was the taste of perfection…

Nothing less… but perhaps even more…


	19. Now We Finally Have It All

**So, Guys... here it is. My Last Chapter of this story. I just wanted to say thank you to every single person who reviewed my story. You have no idea how much you've helped me gain a little confidence in myself and this story is what it is because of you. Seriously. This has been such a ride... Thanks to Sandra (you know I love you... especially now!), thanks to Tay and Ave, who were with me until this chapter, and who I hope remain with me in the next story that's coming up.**

**If you're reading the story for the first time... Hope you enjoy this as much I did writing it. **

**With my heart happy and proud... I leave you guys to read and review afterwards! Thanks again for everything!**

**----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 19**

"_Are you sure this is ok?"_ Taylor said with slight desperation as she touched the necklace around her neck with the tips of her fingers, and facing Summer. _"It feels kinda loose."_

"_God, woman", _Summer said while turning her around to check it. _"Stop playing with that or you're gonna choke yourself!"_

As Summer started fixing the necklace, Taylor felt a sudden wave of excitement going down her body. She was tapping her fingers against the armchair and she was looking around the room as if she was looking for something… but she actually wasn't…she just couldn't stay still.

She started moving a foot rapidly… out of pure nervousness… it was like she'd had like twenty cups of coffee or something. She was being a wreck of exhilaration and anticipation…

It was like she'd gone back to being that sixteen year old kid. So crazy and yet so full of high expectations about what was gonna come next… she was back to being herself. That sense of pride that she'd finally overcome all the previous heartbreak made her heart grow bigger… yes, she was that sixteen year-old kid again, minus the insecurities, that is.

If there was one thing that wasn't left from that perky little girl right then, it were those insecurities… She'd always felt like she didn't belonged. Yes, in theory she had. She'd made her way high on top of the Harbor elite since the minute she'd started high school… she'd organized events when she'd finally managed to get Social Chair, she'd even been valedictorian of her class! But she hadn't done all those things because she necessarily wanted to; she'd done them to fit in... To please her mother and to maybe believe in herself a little… but she never really quite did that… not until the end of high school anyways…

But now, she really believed in herself, in who she was… and it felt so damn good!

That confidence wasn't keeping her from being nervous though… In fact, nothing was ever gonna stop her from being nervous that day… at least for a couple of hours.

"_You're still struggling with that?",_ she said while she tried to keep her mind occupied, by putting her hands on the back of her neck, but it was disturbing Summer's attempt of fixing the necklace clasp.  
_"I would've finished a long time ago…",_ Summer said while she slapped one of Taylor's hands for her to just let her do what she'd asked for, causing Taylor to immediately pull back in pain. _"If you could've managed to just… stay… still!"_

"_Ouch!"_ she said rubbing her hand with the other one. _"That one hurt!"_

"_There",_ Summer said finally happy with the result and walking up to face Taylor… and taking her hands. _"Now, up, up, up! I wanna look at you!"_

Taylor took a big breath… who'd thought she was actually gonna get comfortable sitting there? Certainly, not her. About ten minutes ago, she'd been her usual tornado self, except… this tornado was like ten times bigger and messier than any other they'd ever seen coming out of her before! She'd been driving everyone crazy with all her last minute freak out's about pretty much everything; that was until Summer had told her, already in pre-rage-blackout mode, to sit there and stay still! She'd first tried to fight it, but seeing how strong Summer was when she actually grabbed her by her shoulders and sat her on the chair, while raising her index finger and giving her a pretty serious '_don't you dare move from there or I'll kick your ass_' glare, had made her be afraid of the petite brunette so she just sat there. And she hadn't moved since. Ok, maybe she'd moved a little, hence the finger tapping and the foot moving, but she hadn't actually left the chair. The chair had become some sort of symbol for her. Her 'safety place' where she was nervous, yeah… but she could control it just a little…

And now, her best friend was asking her to get up! To get out of her 'safety place'! She hesitated a little but she knew she had to humor her or the pre-rage blackout from earlier was definitely gonna come back. As she let Summer pull her out of the chair, she actually felt a little weak in the knees and all shaky when she supported herself on her legs completely… and it didn't improve when Summer started looking at her like she was some sort of dying puppy!

And… the confidence from earlier was out the door.

"_What? Oh My God!"_ she said in that fast talking way everyone had already gotten used to. _"Is something wrong? I look hideous, don't I? Did my make up run or something?"_

She actually felt she was gonna start hyperventilating because Summer didn't say anything at all… instead, she'd started dragging her to the other side of the room.

"_Summer just say something ok? Whatever it is I can take it. You know, I was used to being rejected and all that stuff in high school so, I know how it works…", _she said in practically one breath.

"_Taylor, I love you…",_ Summer said while placing herself in front of her to get her attention. _"But you need to shut up now… just… look at yourself…",_ she finished saying by stepping aside and revealing a large mirror right in front of Taylor…

Taylor exhaled once she saw her reflection on the mirror…She had her hair pulled back in a pretty classy knot, with only a few loose strands of hair that fell upon her face and made her look like an angel.

She was standing there in her beautiful white satin wedding gown looking nothing but gorgeous… The dress was sleeveless with a V-neck both, in front and back, that accentuated her perfect silhouette from her chest to her waistline leaving no room for imperfections… the dress had little silver beads scattered all around her midriff that actually made her shine under the light. The lines of the dress molded perfectly to her body. The dress flared out from her waistline just enough to highlight the chapel length train, which was the final detail of her perfect attire. It was her perfect dress, her dream dress. She'd known it from the minute she'd seen it 6 months ago. It was everything she ever wanted. It matched her personality from head to toe… it was almost as if someone had gone right into her head and had pulled out her every dream. And she was more than happy with it.

Yes, she screamed nothing but gorgeous.

"_You look beautiful Taylor…",_ Summer said almost whispering, completely mesmerized by her best friend's beauty.

Taylor sighed a little and then turned her head to look at Summer and then said: _"Thank you",_ while she started running her palms through the dress to straight it out.

"_So, you haven't fainted… you're not rambling anymore… you're not messing with your nails or with the necklace… you're actually a little calmed",_ Summer said while looking at Taylor. _"I've officially done my major duty as a maid of honor here…"_

"_Which is?"_ Taylor said while she started looking at Summer again wrinkling her brow a little.

"_Stopping you from freaking out and being nervous",_ Summer said as if it wasn't obvious.  
Taylor gave Summer a wide smile and said: _"Hate to burst you're pride right now… but I'm still nervous… don't let this momentary peace fool you… I'm nervous and you can't stop that…"_

"_Ok…",_ Summer said looking at the floor, and then at her with big wide eyes full of expectation. _"I have an idea then… tell me what you're thinking and I'll help you stop being nervous."_

"_I'm thinking about him…",_ Taylor said while she started playing with her nails.

He'd been driving her insane all morning! She'd been trying to get it out of her system by taking it out on Summer, telling her that the flowers should be put elsewhere or asking her where Kaitlin was or asking her if she had her vows every five minutes… if Sophie was ready… where the hell was the bouquet… it had been such a constant wave of questions and just pure madness that eventually Summer had had to sit her down!

And while she'd been there, sitting there, and now looking at herself in the mirror… she had to admit to herself that everything was perfect… that there was no need for a freak out about any particular detail of the wedding. Summer had taken care of everything by being her bossy self. What was actually making her nuts was him.

It'd always been that way. He always managed to crawl deep inside her mind in ways that nothing and no one else could. And today, was no exception. In fact, this had been the day were she actually had him there, in her mind, every single second.

What was he thinking? What was he doing? Was he about to have a meltdown too? Was he thinking of her like she was thinking of him? Was he nervous? Was he scared? She wanted to know exactly what was going through that mind of his and the fact that he was there… in the same house… just a couple of rooms away finishing getting ready just like her… was killing her!

She was normally a really patient person… Nah! Who was she trying to kid? She was used to everything being handed out to her the minute words came out of her mouth… and if she wasn't handed immediately what her heart desired, then she made sure she got it at the end of the day. And what she wanted right now… was to see him!

She honestly wanted to run out of Kirsten and Sandy's room, go over… whatever room he was in and just plain ask him: _"Ryan, what are you thinking?"_

He'd probably give her a smile… one of those golden smiles that made the whole world light up and, without hesitation or desperation tell her: _"I'm thinking about you…"_

Ah yes, that would surely calm her down; knowing that he was being cool about the whole situation and that she was the only one freaking out.

But since she couldn't get out of there, because it was supposed to be bad luck to see the groom before the wedding, and Summer wouldn't let her, she was just gonna have to wait.

She was just gonna have to wait to see him waiting for her at the end of that aisle with one of those golden smiles on his face… ready for a future together.

It was funny… he was the one freaking her out… and was the only one with the ability to calm her down.

"_Stop that! We don't have time to do your nails again",_ Summer said taking Taylor out of her little illusion world while pointing a finger at her hands and smiling. _"That's pretty much all I can do then, prevent you from ruining everything, if you're thinking of him."_

"_I just…" _She took in a big breath, but with a nervous smile on her face she said: _"…really need to see him."_

Little did she know that Ryan was thinking about her too right there, sitting in Sandy's office wondering exactly what was on her mind.  
He wasn't freaking out though. He was being calmed and in control of himself, because he knew her. He knew she was probably freaking out for both of them and he knew that he needed to be calmed to calm her down once she started walking down that aisle.

It wasn't that he wasn't scared. He was Ryan Atwood for God's sake! He was always gonna feel that tingling feeling inside him whenever a major change came into his life… but his heart had known a long time ago, even before he'd realized it himself, that this change was exactly what he wanted.

He'd known it the first time he'd proposed and he'd known it the second time. Just remembering it told him for the millionth time she was the one for him.

-----------------------

_It'd been six months after Taylor's car crash and they were living together again, in the same apartment where they'd started their relationship as adults… the place they both, even at the distance when Taylor had been in France, had known in their hearts to be their home._

_After Taylor had been discharged, Ryan had taken all of her things from the hotel room and had moved them into his place in the blink of an eye. He'd told her that it'd been because he'd wanted to keep an eye on her because she'd just been in a hospital, but the truth had been that he'd really desperately wanted her by his side… And of course, Taylor hadn't forced him against the idea._

_He'd gotten home early from work and had managed to sneak into the apartment without her noticing it. At first he'd been kinda scared, because she'd always throw herself in his arms the second he'd open that door no matter how soon he got there, 'cause as neurotic as she was, she'd learned the sound of his footsteps heading to the door, but that day, she hadn't done that._

_He'd felt a little weird, as if he'd needed those arms around him and was curious to know where she was, but something else distracted him from his weirdness… something he hadn't heard before and yet was so bewitching… so mesmerizing… so beautiful…_

_He stepped further into the apartment… curious and hypnotized by the sound of a melody… but he stopped in the middle of the living room, looking at the kitchen… and he couldn't help but smile at the sight of it all._

_There she was… swaying her body slowly in front of the sink. Yes, the melody came from her. She was wearing one of his worn out t-shirts with a pair of sweat pants and some fluffy slippers… her hair was pretty much a disaster… she had it pulled back in a messy knot and loose strands of hair were all over the place…but she looked so beautiful…_

_She wasn't facing him, so it took him a little to understand why she was dancing... until he saw the little headphones in her ears and the iPod hanging on the waistband of her pants… _

_He'd stood there, looking at her for what felt like hours, completely overwhelmed by her. It hadn't been the fact that she'd been dancing in front of the sink or the way she looked what had caught his attention… it'd been the fact that she'd been singing… really in key, one of his favorite songs in history: Journey's Open Arms._

_She had a wonderful voice. The way she'd been singing had had an amazing power over him, that only managed to make him smile… but what had impressed him the most, was that he'd never known she could sing… let alone she could sing like that. Every piece of lyrics that had come out of her mouth had been filled with so much emotion and so much deepness… he hadn't been able to take his gaze of off her… he'd felt drawn to her… like he hadn't before…_

_This woman always managed to find new ways to surprise him, to give him new reasons to live, new reasons to wake up in the mornings and new reasons for wanting to give himself completely to her. She was his little riddle… a riddle he wanted to solve even if it took a lifetime… and then he'd realized… he'd wanted to solve her mystery for the rest of his life…_

_Not taking it any longer, with his eyes completely lost in her body… he just said, loud enough for her to know that somebody was behind her:_ "Taylor…"

_She'd jumped a little, because she hadn't expected anyone to be there at least for another twenty minutes. As fast as a lightning, she'd removed the headphones from her ears and had turned around, her face completely white from the scare she'd just had. Once she'd seen him, she'd immediately sighed in relief and brought one hand to her chest as she'd said:_ "Oh My God, Ryan… you scared me!"

_He'd stayed there, looking at her amused by the expression on her face, and he'd witnessed how it had turned into a smile. He'd kept staring at her for a lifetime, almost as if he'd wanted to savor that moment, as if he'd wanted to memorize her features, as if he'd wanted to breathe her in._

_She'd started looking at him with a smile in her face, trying to figure out what he'd been thinking… but for the first time in her life she hadn't been able to do it. The thought of that had made her nervous so she'd started rambling:_ "Ok… so you heard me sing. You haven't said anything in a while there so I must be horrible. Honestly you're the first person to hear me sing… as in ever! So… as I figured, I suck... and now I'm totally embarrassed…"

"Marry me",_ he'd said without thinking, but at the same time, thinking about it since the minute he'd fallen in love with her._

_Taylor's eyes had widened and she'd struggled to get words out of her mouth, because she'd opened it and closed it about three times before she'd managed to say something. She'd walked her way to him until she'd only been a few inches away, until she'd been right in front of the man she loved:_ "What did you just say?"_ she'd asked in a really low and obviously touched voice._

"Marry me",_ he'd repeated in the same tone of voice she'd used._ "I want you to marry me"

"Are you sure?",_ she'd asked taking his hands in hers and lifting them shoulder high, before intertwining their fingers. She'd asked that question knowing his answer, and while doing that, she'd given Ryan her answer too._

"You bet I am",_ he'd said in a barely audible whisper while he'd connected his forehead with hers._

_Once she'd heard those words, she'd closed her eyes and had given him a smile, only that smile sent a vibe through his body… a jolt of electricity that'd only grown bigger once he'd felt her leaning up to kiss him… Once again, she'd found a new way to surprise him, because he could've sworn he'd felt she was kissing him differently, differently than any other time their lips had connected… it'd been sweet but fierce at the same time. It'd been calm but desperate at the same time. It'd been predictable, but out of nowhere at the same time. When she'd pulled back, he'd opened his eyes to find her with them still closed, but with a smile on her face. She'd let out the slightest of sighs, barely sensible… a whisper that would've passed unnoticed to any other man, but not for him. He'd smiled to himself because he'd known right there her answer. It hadn't been the kiss… it hadn't been the way she'd held his hands. His answer had been lying there in that slight sigh…_

"That sigh… there… Is that a yes?"_ he'd asked while he'd seen her open her eyes…_

"You bet it is", _she'd smiling, and now launching herself into his lips and onto his neck, knowing that this time… it was gonna last… this time… they were ready for everything._

_------------------------------_

It'd been ten months since that day… ten months he'd actually waited anxiously, and as the date had approached he'd felt even more anxious. It was weird for him, to be this excited about something… but again, that was Taylor for him… the one and only woman that always woke things inside him he never knew he had. The years had gone by, and even though they'd changed… she was in essence the same person… that same perky, tough, fast-talking girl he'd fallen in love with over eight years ago in the past. That same girl who always managed to convince him of doing things he'd never thought he'd do… that same girl that had remained in his mind every single step of the way.

And today, had been no exception.

He was sure he wanted her, the only thought of her brought a smile to his face and the desire of giving her the best of him… which was the only detail that was making him a little scared, not to the freaking out point, but scared nonetheless.

He'd never been a writer; he'd never been that kind of boy that put his thoughts on paper because normally he'd hardly ever known what was on his mind! The only one who seemed to know that was her… and yet, she'd asked him to write his own vows for the ceremony.

Sure, he'd told her that he was gonna have a hard time doing that, and that she already knew everything he was gonna write anyways, if he ever managed to write something good, that is. Of course he didn't want to come up with some other lousy poem, even though Taylor hadn't considered it lousy he did, when she was probably gonna come up with something as romantic as that letter she'd given him when they'd gone their separate ways…

She was a romantic girl familiarized with every piece of literature, both in English and in French and he'd thought he'd never catch up with something like that… and this time, he really wanted to say something good… something that at least expressed a quarter of what was inside of his soul, of what he felt about this amazing girl that managed to take his breath away every single day…

And then, and idea had gotten into his head…

But still, even though he had the whole thing taken care of, and Seth had the little piece of paper around in his pocket… he still felt a little nervous, but not so nervous that he was to lose his cool.

He was there sitting lost in his thoughts about what she meant to him when a familiar voice, perhaps too familiar, took him back to reality:

"_So… I have the Range Rover parked outside, with the tank full of enough of gas to take us to Mexico. This is the closest room to the backyard so we can sneak out without anyone seeing us and get you out of here faster than anyone can say "Stop them"… I'm that smooth, thank you very much. You just have to say the word, man…",_ Seth said while entering the room before crashing himself into one of the chairs.

"_So tell me…",_ Ryan said glaring at him with an amused face. _"In this wonderful plan of yours… how do we manage to sneak out without anyone seeing us when the wedding is taking place in the backyard?"_

"_I guess…",_ Seth said trying to come up with a good excuse or to think fast and give Ryan a good answer.

"_Aha…?"_ Ryan said enjoying watching Seth squirm for like the millionth time during all those years.

"_Sorry man…"_ Seth said moving his head from side to side telling him that he was defeated. _"I got nothing."_

"_That's what I thought",_ Ryan said standing up and taking a look at his watch. _"Besides… It's not like I would've gone with you anyway…"_

"_So you're really not scared… at all?"_ Seth asked looking at him in complete disbelief.

"_Why are you looking at me like that?"_ Ryan said raising his eyebrows and suddenly curious.

"_It's a rule man!"_ Seth said while he rose from the chair too and walked over him to 'fix' his tie. _"You're supposed to be freaked out and getting all cold feet on your wedding day! You know, the best man is supposed to make some sense into the groom and he eventually saves the day."_

"_So, my wedding day is all about you then…",_ Ryan said, pushing Seth aside because he was suffocating him by trying to fix something that was already perfect.

"_Exactly… you gotta give me something to do here!"_ Seth said crashing again in the chair.

"_You're so self absorbed",_ Ryan grunted.

"_My biggest quality…",_ Seth said giving him an actual proud smile.

"_Well… you know me… I'm not a big fan of rules…",_ Ryan said while he looked himself in the mirror and tried to undo the damage Seth had done to his tie, which fortunately wasn't much. _"So, I'm not freaking out… Taylor's doing that for me."_

"_How you know?"_ Seth said with an intrigued expression on his face.

Ryan just looked at the floor. For a minute there he thought about the question _how do you know? _In less than a second his mind started spinning trying to find what it was that was making him so sure about her… what it was that made him feel like he knew her…  
That was the thing with her. She was always so unpredictable… so fast and furious in everything that she set her mind to do. How did he know what she was doing? How did he manage to know so much about her and so little at the same time?

And then he remembered. He remembered it just like it had been the day before. He remembered seeing her there in that red dress that had swept him of his feet with a really disappointed and embarrassed look on her face. He remembered the overwhelming feeling of confusion that had taken over him at that instant while he'd heard her rambling every single thing that he hadn't even known he had inside him. But he also remembered feeling something. This girl had managed to make him feel something, even if it was pure confusion!

He remembered asking her: _"How do you keep doing that?"_ She'd looked at him like he was a freak or something and had asked in a really low voice: _"Doing what?"_ Not controlling his curiosity and fascination he'd said in practically one breath: _"That. You keep telling me what I'm thinking before I feel it."_ He remembered seeing how she moved her head and quickly bit her lip before she said with a touch of desperation in her voice: _"Because I think about you! I-I… I want you to be happy. And I think that if you gave it a chance you might feel something too."_

Now, thinking about it, he'd found that he hadn't just felt something. Now he felt a million things for her! It only took her one night to win his heart and make him feel like he had the world at his reach, and that he could do anything with it. And he'd also found that he'd learned to do the same thing too. He'd learned to know every little thing about her that could be predicted, because he thought about her. He wanted her to be happy. Sure, she was always gonna keep surprising him everyday because that was one of the many fascinating things about her, but this… this he'd known simply because he hadn't stopped thinking about her the whole day.

"_I just know…"_ he said while he took a big breath, finished fixing his tie; went over to Sandy's desk, looked for a pen and wrote something on a piece of paper. _"Which is why you're gonna go over there, you're gonna give her this and you're gonna tell her that I'm going to be at the end of that aisle…",_ he finished while handing Seth the small piece of paper he'd just wrote.

"_What's this?"_ Seth asked, curious as always.

"_It's for her…"_ Ryan said while he smiled to himself. _"Now go over there!"_

As Seth headed out of the door, he took one last look at Ryan… and said: _"You're smiling more than you have on any other day of your life… you are officially on the dark side of the force."_

Seth headed out of there as soon as he saw the death glare coming from Ryan. When he was finally by the door, he knocked a little before turning the door knob and said: _"Hey girls, it's me!"_

"_Come in Seth…",_ Taylor said a little excited to see someone who had been with Ryan just a few minutes ago. She desperately wanted to get news about him… to know anything!

"_Wow!"_ Seth said once he was inside of the room and took a look at Taylor's wonderful appearance.

"_I look that good?"_ Taylor said while she looked at her feet and then at him again.

"_Ryan's gonna die today"_ ,was his only response still looking at Taylor.

"_Aw! Thanks Seth…",_ Taylor said with a touched expression on her face but also wrinkling her face a little once she analyzed what Seth had said. _"I think… I don't really want him death or anything… I just um, um…"_

"_What are you doing here Cohen?"_ Summer said once she noticed that Taylor was about to start rambling again.

"_Wow, Ryan was right, you are freaking out",_ Seth said once he realized Taylor was smiling nervously.

"_Ryan…? Did he say something about me?"_ Taylor wondered as she walked closed to Seth like she was a 4 year old girl asking for candy. _"What was he doing when you came here? What's he thinking? Is he ok?"_

"_Whoa Taylor… slow down",_ he said while he raised his hand and rolled his eyes.

"_You just made the crisis even worse, Cohen!"_ Summer said from the other side of the room.

"_Sorry…",_ he said looking at his wife. _"Anyway, he's ready so we're just waiting for you to be…"_

"_I am…",_ Taylor said with a smile on her face.

"_Then let's get this show started!"_ Summer said jumping from her chair with shiny eyes and talking to Taylor. _"So you know how it works, right? Everybody walks in, and then you just take a big breath and walk yourself… that's it! Come on Seth, let's get this moving!"_ She finished saying by taking Seth from his arm and dragging him outside the room.

But before he exited the room completely he said: _"Taylor… I almost forgot…here. This is for you."_

"_What's this?"_ she said with her eyes carefully studying the paper she now had in her hands.

"_I have no idea. He just wrote it for you."_

And with that, Taylor was left alone in the room. She took a big breath. This was it. Everybody was being ordered by Summer now and she heard the sound of soft music playing in the background.

Just a few minutes from now, she was gonna get her wish. Her biggest dream, everything she'd ever wanted. She was more nervous now… so she walked to the mirror again to check that everything was in place. She was happy… she was nervous, but happy.  
She smiled a little to herself in the mirror and wordlessly, touched the choker style diamond necklace that Kirsten had borrowed her with the tip of her fingers.

At first, she'd been a little hesitant to accept wearing the most expensive and valuable piece of jewelry Kirsten possessed, but her soon to be mother-in-law had insisted, saying that she could consider it as a favor to help her narrow her list of 'something new, something old, something borrowed and something blue' by scratching the something old and something borrowed all at once, since the necklace had belonged to Kirsten's mother once upon a time.

She'd always wished she had a family so warm and loving like the Cohen's…and even though she'd felt she was part of their family for a long time now; this was the real thing… She was marrying Ryan Atwood… the broody bad boy she'd swoon over, the only man that had woken her heart… a heart that had been afraid of feeling something once upon a time. She was marrying her every hope, her every thought… her everything… and she wanted desperately to see him.

So taking a big breath, something she'd done all over again the whole morning, she took the piece of paper once again, carefully unfolded it and once she saw what it said… she sighed again.

There it was, in the unmistakable hand writing of the man she loved the most powerful four words in the whole world. Four magical words that had made her sigh in relief for the first time in the whole day. Four words that only Ryan and her knew the deep meaning they had for one another… especially in that moment:

"_I'm thinking about you"_

She closed her eyes and took the piece of paper to her chest as a way of holding on to him… knowing that this was the last time she was gonna have to hold on to him… because from now on, she was never gonna have to let go.

She headed out of the door as quickly as possible. She realized everyone was already waiting for her and this was the time to make her entrance…

At first, she stared at the floor. She was so nervous and she kept thinking: _"It's ok Taylor, you can do this… one foot in front of the other and that's it."_

For some reason the pep talking wasn't working and just when she felt like she was about to fall on to the floor she raised her head… and there he was.

Exactly like she'd imagined, he gave her one of those smiles… one of those smiles that took her breath away… and she only smiled back… she stopped focusing on everyone else and she kept looking at him. It was impossible to stop now, because she got so caught up on those piercing blue eyes that nothing else existed… nothing and no one else.

The minute he'd seen her making an entrance… he hadn't been able to stop smiling. She'd looked so cute staring at the floor trying to gain her composure and just take one little step. He'd understood she wanted to do this right… she'd wanted to make thing work without making a major fool out of herself… but she just needed to look at him. No, the truth was… he needed to look at her. At this point, it had been a necessity for him to see those eyes… see her in all her glory… see his future wife.

But when she'd actually lifted up her head, he hadn't expected what he'd been about to feel. Everything stopped… even his heart. She was drop dead gorgeous! She was so beautiful… so amazingly beautiful and so breathtaking that he'd felt the sudden urge to go running and to kiss her right then and there…

He only remembered her being just as beautiful once in his life. Yes, she looked beautiful everyday… but this time it wasn't just the looks… it was what her eyes reflected… the only time he'd seen her just as beautiful had been that day, ten months ago, when she'd been dancing and singing wearing one of his t-shirts, a pair of sweat pants and a messed up hair.

He was aware that those two looks were exact opposites, but they had been the most gut wrenching moments when he'd known she was the one… his one…

She kept smiling and smiling and it almost became like torture to see him smiling back and knowing that she couldn't run… but slowly… and elegantly she reached his side and once she gave Summer the bouquet… she looked at him with the corner of her eyes and winked at him.

The ceremony started… and they surely heard the _"Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today…" _but nothing further than that…

They were facing each other now, so lost in each other's eyes, so lost in the realization of their every dream… so lost in seeing how their wish from the whole day, had come true… seeing each other.

They'd seen each other for the last time two nights ago… and it had felt like she'd been in France or something. The minute she'd gone out the door to Seth and Summer's to spend the night, she'd wanted to see him again… but if she would've known how great the anticipation was gonna make this moment… she never would've had second thoughts.

She mimicked an _'I love you' _that almost send him over the edge. He actually started thinking… what he had done to deserve such a prize of a woman. Someone so tender… so forgiving… so loving! Her heart had been big enough to let him in, after all the tragedies, after all the heartbreak… after all the mistakes… she kept loving him… just like he kept loving her.

Seeing into his eyes, and into his smile, she knew how much he loved her too…

They were distracted when Summer started saying something in the middle of the ceremony. Taylor had asked her to read something in the wedding and she'd been really flattered… so she just started saying: _"Some of us wonder what true love is. So I'm just gonna read an anonymous poem I immediately thought of when Taylor asked me to read something today. And it goes like this:_

"_True love is a sacred flame  
That burns eternally,  
And none can dim its special glow  
Or change its destiny…"_

Ryan actually smiled when he heard that. It was true. Love was the thing that he'd felt during all these years. That burning and longing that had never ceased inside him no matter how much or how hard he'd tried to fight it. It'd been times when he'd tried to put the fire out… to give up. But he'd soon known, at least subconsciously, that she was his destiny. It sounded cheesy and a bit of a cliché, but she was. There was no way to fight against it, not even for him… a fighter by nature, someone who always defended what he thought was right. But he'd soon learned that the only thing he'd fight for, was for her, his destiny… his path… because she was what was right for him.

"_True love speaks in tender tones  
And hears with gentle ear…"_

Taylor sighed when she heard that. You would think that what went through her mind where all those times when he'd shouted at her and had hurt her. But she didn't think about that. She hadn't thought about those things in a really long time because… he did what no other person in the world did for her. He always managed to whisper to her heart. His mouth could be saying something… but his heart always spoke the truth and always talked to her in that way… slowly… lovingly… and she loved him for it.

"_True love gives with open heart  
And true love conquers fear"_

Again… Ryan kept smiling, but this time… he focused on her. Yes, love conquered fear… 'cause he'd been afraid of saying what he felt. But her, this unique woman that was in front of him had managed to make him stop being afraid. So much, that he wasn't scared in that moment… he'd hardly been as scared as he'd been during other turning points in his life. And as Seth had said, it was like a rule to get scared on your wedding day… and yet he was there, so calm… lost in her every breath… just like he'd been that night when she'd been in the hospital.

"_True love makes no harsh demands  
It neither rules nor binds.."_

Taylor kept smiling at him and thought about the past for a moment. He'd never demanded anything from her… he'd never asked her to do anything she hadn't felt comfortable doing. He'd always wanted her happiness, even if her happiness was without him. But as she kept being immersed in those eyes, she thought she'd never be able to contemplate a life away from him. For her, being with him equaled happiness… and there was no way around it.

"_True love holds with gentle hands  
the hearts that it entwines…"_

Summer finished reading and after taking in some air said: _"True love is what Ryan and Taylor share… it's what they prove to us exists in this world."_

They'd managed to keep save each other's heart. They'd manage to make things work even if it had taken hard work and effort. Taylor felt a rush of pride hearing that coming from the mouth of her best friend. She felt proud because she'd finally found true love… the only thing she'd believed in spite being agnostic in most things… that true love had been in front of her all along. It'd been in front of Ryan all the way too. He was glad he'd found in Taylor everything that'd been missing in his life. Every bit of happiness, every bit of faith laid there in the heart of the beautiful woman in front of him… in front him laid his future and every plan he'd ever made… in her… his Taylor.

Soon, sooner than he'd expected, it was time to read their vows… he started feeling nervous… but as soon as he heard her say her vows first, he couldn't help but wish to say his too…

She sighed to herself before taking her vows from Summer's hand. But the minute she looked again, at his expectant eyes… she started saying it in the most natural and calmed way she'd ever said something before:

"_Ryan… I'm making this simple because it's all I have to say. For some reason you always manage to leave me speechless. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you without complexities or pride. I love you… because as you know, I can't exist without loving you. I love you because I know no other way. Today and for always… I'll be yours every step of the way"._

Once he heard what she had to say… he broke his eyes apart from hers and looked down to the floor. Hearing her say those words made him blush a little, but what she'd said had given him the courage to say what he wanted to say. Something he knew didn't express everything he had inside him, but was pretty close.

"_Taylor… you know I'm not much of a writer. I've never been a writer and I think I never will be. So since the minute you asked me to write something, I'd thought I'd quote my favorite author of all times:_ '_Some people say love is only a combination of feelings you get when you see someone… and with time, those feelings die slowly and hurtfully. I don't agree with that. Love is a choice you make everyday…"_

He'd seen how her eyes had widened when she'd heard that piece of the letter she'd written to him a long time ago. She smiled a little then she looked at the floor with her cheeks in a deep red shade… and yet, again he'd thought she never looked more beautiful… seeing her reaction gave him a lot more courage… so he continued: _"You were the one who wrote me that a long time ago. And like you did that day I'm choosing you. It's not that I can't live without you Taylor, it's that I don't want to. It's a choice. So I choose you… today and forever."_

He was a man of few words… even if he had his moments of ramblings… well, more like _one_ moment of rambling… he hadn't changed that much… he was still that closed up person, but the only difference was that the only one who could get in was her, only because he wanted her to. She was that same pushy girl who never stopped, but the only difference was that the only one who could stop her was him… because she wanted him to. They were both choosing each other…

That overwhelming feeling they both had in their hearts only grew bigger once they heard each other's 'I do' and felt each other's hands sliding the rings they were gonna wear gladly every day after that… then it was settled. It was a done deal.

"_You may kiss the bride",_ they heard somewhere along the way. At this point of the road… they were savoring each other's timelessness… and for both of them, nothing else was in this world… just each other.

They were sharing glances, glances of pure desire and pure love… and expectation. Suddenly they couldn't hear anything else than the sound of their own hearts beating, one trying to keep the pace of the other until it was only one melody… one sound… one heart.

Ryan leaned in… knowing exactly how it was gonna feel. He'd known it, she'd known it. There was no need for words or for glances anymore. They both closed their eyes and gave in to the feeling of submission… of complete devotion they had inside.

Then they kissed… in a thousand ways. They heard the sound of applauses way back in the distance, but they didn't stop. They kept being there, their lips joint together in a beautiful dance… tasting each other for what felt like forever… and still, didn't feel long enough.

Yes, the ride had been tough. Full of turns and misunderstandings and full of heartbreak and sorrow. Full of distractions and madness and full of so many scattered emotions along the way. But as strange as it may sound, it'd been worth it. Every single piece of pain they'd felt, every single trace of longing… every broken piece of their souls that had been shattered… everything had happened in order for them to become what they were now.

If they would've gotten married before, maybe it wouldn't have tasted like this… maybe it wouldn't have been as appreciated as this moment was…

But enough heartbreak and pain had passed through their lives for them to know they deserved this… that they had won the battle of defending their love… they'd fought for it and they'd earned it…

It was their first kiss as a married couple and there was so much of the journey ahead. So much that wasn't figured out… so many things to deal with… but they'd been together long enough to know that not knowing where destiny is gonna take you… can only be a good thing…  
As they kept holding on to each other knowing that this was their future, to be fused together… to be just one soul… they were thankful… full of happiness and full of love… and they owed it all to one single moment…

The moment when they'd been apart but close at the same time, the moment when they'd been letting go and holding on. The moment when they'd been saying so much saying nothing at all…

The moment when they almost had it all.

**_The End._**


End file.
